Discover 5 Love Languages and Crack the Code of Modern Romance
It really sucks when a relationship doesn’t work out. You have all the hopes and expectations, and yet, somehow, they just keep failing. But why?
We’re not perfect. You, dear reader, are pretty great and you come close, but of course, we all have things we could work on. Whether it’s being able to listen more attentively or outwardly express empathy, we could all make some adjustments for healthier relationships. Having and maintaining a healthy and successful relationship isn’t a walk in the park. It takes openness, understanding, and patience (just to name a few) to create a safe space for you and your partner. Cue: The Love Languages!
Everyone has different ways of expressing and receiving love. Different types of love and affection are often represented by words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Understanding your partner’s love language can enhance emotional intimacy and connection between you two, and the Once app is here to help make that happen!
What Are the Love Languages?
So, what exactly is the meaning of a ‘love language’? The concept was first presented in the non-fiction book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman, you could say he’s somewhat of an expert.
When he worked as a marriage counselor, he noticed that many couples felt constantly unhappy and misunderstood, which of course, led to couples breaking up. It was pretty obvious that needs were not being met (I’m sure you’ve experienced this at some point in your dating life). He created this concept to help us understand our emotional needs and communication styles by labeling them as words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
In the words of Taylor Swift, “maybe we get lost in translation”, which is absolutely true, especially if you have different love languages. I once had a boyfriend who completely forgot my birthday, and as someone who really values when important things are planned (at the very least, remembered!) this did not sit well with me. I felt unappreciated and even when he tried to make up for it, he put in minimal effort. You could say, acts of service definitely resonates with me.
Most people have a primary love language that resonates with them more than others, but they are fluid and may change throughout your life. Get to know yourself and your partner a little better by understanding how to give and receive love. Let’s dive into each of the five love languages:
Words of Affirmation
If you appreciate verbal praise, acknowledgment, and encouragement above all else, words of affirmation is your love language. Verbal expressions or written displays of affection make your day and are genuinely appreciated. FaceTime at the end of the day or expressing excitement (written or via phone call) for you about an accomplishment can go a long way.
Examples: Saying things like, "You look so beautiful today," "You did an amazing job," and "I'm grateful to have you in my life."
Acts of Service
If you feel highly valued and cared for when tasks are completed to your benefit, acts of service is your primary love language. Any action done for you to "lighten the load" or reduce stress makes a significant impact on your life. This love language is the ultimate definition of the phrase, “Your actions speak louder than your words”.
Examples: Your partner orders food to be delivered after a long day, sends a gift certificate for a spa day, or provides emotional support through video calls.
Receiving Gifts
Having a physical representation of love and affection is essential for you. Gift-giving is often associated with thoughtfulness since your partner has to reflect on your values and be mindful of what you consider important. Monetary value is irrelevant; after all, it is the thought that counts.
Examples: a beautiful necklace on Valentine’s Day, a new pair of shoes, or a small trinket from a souvenir shop. Bonus points if it's something unique that the receiving partner previously mentioned.
Quality Time
You feel most cared for and loved when your partner actively spends time with you and gives you undivided attention when you are together. Having someone who listens attentively without distractions is very important to you. If you or your partner have this as a primary love language, make sure to set aside time in your day to be fully present and communicate with one another.
Examples: After a bad day, your partner attentively listens, and potentially offers help or you discuss future plans together in detail.
Physical Touch
Physical touch is your primary love language if you feel most cared for and loved when physically interacting with your significant other. Physically connecting makes you feel safe and secure.
Examples: kissing, hand-holding, massages, hand on the back or around the shoulders while walking, or sex. An ideal night together may be watching a movie while cuddling or holding hands while in town for the night.
How Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language Can Enhance Connection in Your Relationship
We want to show that we truly care about our partner and their well-being, so we may have to adapt our way of thinking and put ourselves in each other's shoes often. Minimize miscommunication and enhance your connection by nurturing your partner's love language.
Here are some things you can do to nurture your partner's love language:
Stay curious and ask questions: asking your partner about their likes and dislikes and about things they appreciate shows that you're putting in the effort to understand them.
Empathy enhances emotional connection: get curious! You’ll gain a better understanding of your partner’s needs. Understanding develops empathy and empathy drives emotional connection. It’s like a domino effect.
Express gratitude when feeling fulfilled: Speak it to existence! Verbal recognition of something you’ve enjoyed and appreciated can go a looooooong way. It’s always pleasant and comforting to hear even a simple “Thank you”.
Other examples can be more specific like: “Thank you so much for helping me with (insert thing they did)”, or “I really appreciated when you (insert nice action)”.
For neurodivergent people, love languages look a little different. A few examples of a love language include info-dumping, parallel play, and “penguin pebbling”.
- Info-dumping: when someone is fixated on a topic and can’t stop talking about it on one go.
- Parallel play: someone that does a task or plays while around others but not directly interacting with them. They prefer to keep to themselves instead of playing with others; It’s “I want to be a part of the fun stuff, just not directly” mindset.
- Penguin pebbling: when someone brings you a small token to show they were thinking of you. This name was inspired by the behavior of Antarctic penguins when they add rocks one by one to their nests as they await for their babies to hatch (how cute!).
We all want to be truly seen and heard in our relationships. You can create a safe space by speaking your partner's love language regularly and being authentically yourself! And if they’re not okay with you being your authentic self, well…. time to reevaluate. Whichever love language lights a fire in you, you’re sure to authentically connect with a great someone on Once.
How to Find Your Love Language
It’s important to know that love languages are not necessarily permanent. They can modify or change completely depending on the stage of life or past experiences. We're all different when it comes to expressing and receiving love, and your partner's language may differ from yours.
Take Danielle’s experience with her husband: “My husband claimed I didn’t support him and his dream career… I thought to myself for the past 10+ years of our relationship all I do is support him… I just couldn’t believe it. After quoting the laundry list of things I’ve done to support him, his answer was:
“Yeah, but you never SAY supportive things”
If I had known that words meant more to him than actions, I would’ve done things differently. To me, words don’t mean anything, but to HIM, they were everything. I realized I had been giving out my love language, leaving him feeling unappreciated. That “A-HA” conversation was long overdue and my husband communicated his feelings to me in his way. Knowing his love language has made me better for our relationship.”
By learning your and your partner's love language, you can strengthen your relationship as a couple, create empathy toward one another, foster intimacy, improve communication skills, and avoid misunderstandings. Discover which love language best suits each other and implement understanding to create a safe and comfortable space.
When do you feel the most loved in your relationship? When your partner tells you “I love you”? When they set time aside in their day to talk to you? When they send you a surprise gift?These are just a few questions that you can answer to figure out your love language. You can also make a personalized list if you particularly value specific things.
If you’re ready to foster an authentic relationship and meet the love of your life, download Once app today.
