Intentional Dating: How to Build Real, Lasting Connections
Dating with intention helps you navigate hundreds and thousands of options on the dating site and focus on people who have the potential to be your perfect match. But what does dating intentionally actually entail?
Today we’ll discover the meaning of intentional dating, the benefits it provides, its principles, and, finally, how to date with intention like a pro.
What is intentional dating?
Dating with intention is something that everyone is talking about, and, at times, it feels like a meaningless buzzword that people say to appear more sophisticated than they really are.
It is a very important and powerful take on dating though. It implies that you are choosing quality over quantity, and are ready to say No and walk away if the relationship dynamic isn’t serving you or establishing relationship boundaries that have to be respected for you to stay.
It also means taking ownership of and being responsible for your own happiness. People who are dating with intention are proactive about building the romance that they want. This includes being strategic about places you go to to meet someone or your approach to liking profiles on dating apps.
For example, if you want to get married and have kids soon, you might skip on a hot mess partner who you always have great sex with, but deep down you know you’re not compatible with them in terms of your core values. Another example is looking for people with similar lifestyles. For instance, if you only see yourself living in a small town close to nature, you need to find someone with similar views and skip on the hotties who can’t handle being outside of downtown for longer than a day.
Also, intentionally dating implies that you are not turning a blind eye to someone’s pink flags, and pointing them out before getting closer with the person.
Long story short, intentional dating is all about investing your energy into partners that you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
Why intentional dating is important for relationship success
Technically, you can skip intentional dating and simply throw yourself out there and build a successful long-term relationship.
But unless you’re in a Hollywood movie, such an approach to dating is more likely to land you with a less-than-perfect candidate who is not your best match. This can be totally fine if you’re dating casually. Yet, if you’re looking for a strong relationship that will last for years and decades, all those incompatibilities and downsides you ignored at the beginning will eventually snowball into a disaster.
The best person for us is not always the one who’s easiest to hang out with. That’s why we need intentional dating to keep us in check and help us keep our eyes on the prize, a.k.a. our perfect long-term match.
Benefits of intentional dating
Dating with intention can feel like a lot of work, especially compared with mindless dating where you’re going with the flow and hoping for the best.
There are, however, several critical benefits to dating with intention:
- Clarity in personal values and relationship goals. You know what you’re looking for, and you’re in sync with the partner too, as all your goals and plans were talked through.
- Reduced stress in the dating process. You’re staying clear of people who are draining you and causing your misery.
- Higher likelihood of finding a compatible partner. Just like with anything in life – you have better chances of getting to the point B of your dreams if you make an effort along the way.
- Lower chance of having your heart broken. You have enough time to get to know the partner before committing, which means you keep your distance and do not fall in love until you’re confident in that person. Sidenote: obviously, life gets in the way sometimes, but there really is less headache when you’re being strategic about dating.
- Avoid dating FOMO. If you live in big cities, such as London or New York, then you’ve probably witnessed the dating culture where people go out with new partners left and right, solely for the sake of doing it. And if you tell them you’re not dating anyone and you’re not planning to, you get weird looks. That’s not the only example of dating peer pressure, but that’s the most prevalent one. When you’re being mindful and choosing dating with intention, you’re less likely to feel bad because you’re staying at home on a Friday night or dating someone who’s not conventionally attractive or ‘ticking all the boxes.’
Downsides of intentional dating
You rarely hear about the negative sides of dating with intention, but it’s worth mentioning them so that you have the full picture.
- You’ll be dating less and have fewer partners.
- Saying No to fun sometimes, as it won’t lead anywhere meaningful.
- You’ll potentially be rejecting a lot of people which can be mentally hard.
- It will take you more effort and energy to pick a partner.
How to practice intentional dating
Dating with intention is great for you, but how do you do it?
Our list of tried and tested tips will help you navigate this dating format:
- Set clear dating goals. Know what you’re after and don’t be afraid to say it. You’re looking not just for anyone, but for a partner who will be your perfect match.
- Be authentic and honest. Dating with intention and messing around don’t mix. Don’t be afraid to show your true self.
- Prioritize self-awareness and emotional availability. Partners who aren’t self-aware or emotionally available are so draining. They suck all the energy out of you, and the worst part – they leave you doubting your self-worth.
- Stay open-minded. Just because someone doesn’t look or sound like a good fit, doesn’t mean they’re not. Don’t be too stuck to your ways, and try to meet new people who don’t look like your typical social circle.
- Focus on communication. This is a cliche for a reason. Being able to have raw and vulnerable conversations with your partner is the shortcut to a happy relationship and a key principle of mindful dating.
- Follow your intuition. Our gut feelings are powerful indicators of whether or not a relationship has potential. Don’t be afraid to listen to what your intuition is telling you.
- Avoid casual dating. You may think that it’s alright and you’ll just date this guy for a couple of weeks while there’s nobody better on the horizon. Next thing you know, you’re in a 2-year relationship with this casual bf, and you have no idea how you’ve ended up here or how to get out.
Pro tip: Don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes you decide to switch to dating with intention and the right person materializes right away. However, it’s very common to spend months and even years looking for the one. If the latter is the case with you, don’t take it to heart.
It takes time to figure out what you want and find someone who shares your views and goals. Don’t put extra pressure on yourself to meet someone within a particular deadline, take it one day at a time.
And if you get stuck with dating, don’t be afraid to take a pause and not date anyone at all. It’s perfectly normal. Spend the newly freed time seeing friends, reading books, traveling, trying new hobbies, or even focusing on your career.
Common mistakes to avoid in intentional dating
Here are the three common mistakes that people make when dating intentionally:
- Rushing into relationships without taking the time to get to know the person.
- Ignoring red flags or finding excuses for them.
- Sacrificing personal needs or boundaries in order to keep up with the partner or avoid fights in the relationship.
- Pretending to be someone you’re not to appear cooler and more interesting.
Intentional dating vs hardballing
When talking about dating with intention, many call it hardballing these days. And while yes, the terms are somewhat similar, they’re not identical.
Hardballing means laying out all your relationship plans and goals before you even meet the other person in real life.
You can hardball all kinds of aspects of dating:
- How much time you’re willing to spend with your partner
- Your sexual preferences and taboos
- Your show-stoppers in a relationship
- Eng goal with dating, such as getting married
- Your take on crucial relationship milestones, such as having kids
Hardballing is a little intense, and it won’t be the right fit for absolutely everyone, but there is beauty in this approach for sure. Dating is often complex and awkward and sometimes reminds one of a political game where two people hide their intentions, manipulate one another, and get what they want out of the person without giving something back in return.
Many people, especially those on the younger side, are tired of disingenuity. Even more people simply have no time for mind games. Between multiple side hustles and existential dread, the last thing Millennials and Gen-Z need is investing their time and energy into situationships and people they don’t match with.
