Here's Why Consent Is Important in Dating
At Once, we’re all about mindful dating. And consent is a big part of the equation here. So, let’s dive into the topic of consent, learn what it means, what it looks like, why it’s important, and how to ask for consent.
What is consent in dating?
Consent is not limited to romantic relationships, but in dating specifically, its definition stands for agreeing to engage in any form of physical closeness, whether it’s a simple hug, a kiss, or sex. For example, your partner can ask you if it’s okay for them to kiss you or go down on you.
What types of consent are out there?
There are 5 main types of consent:
- Verbal
- Nonverbal
- Written
- Implied
- Informed
Informed consent is mainly used in formal settings, such as when you’re visiting a healthcare professional, but it can apply to romantic life too. For instance, if someone has sexually transmitted diseases they need to mention it in the dating chat before they suggest hooking up. Written consent can look like Pete Davidson signing an NDA before starting to date Kim to ensure their secrets are safe, plus God knows what else.
The concept of verbal consent is easy to grasp. It’s when the person has verbally expressed their agreement to something, such as a physical touch, seeing other people, slow dating, etc.
Non-verbal consent is a bit more complex because it relies on things like body language and facial expressions. There’s a lot of risk for misinterpretation here, so it’s best to insist on verbal consent if you’re discussing something really important.
Similarly, implied consent can be debatable too. For example, you’ve been dating online for a while and your perfect match finally invites you to their place. If they do it late at night and flirt aggressively throughout the entire chat, it would be implied that you agree to at least do minor intimacy if you come over. In non-romantic settings, implied consent can be you agreeing to a hairdresser touching your head when you come to them for a haircut.
The main aspects of consent
Consent is a complex thing, and there are several key factors that go into it:
- Clear communication. There should be no ambiguity among the partners about their desires or boundaries.
- It has to be voluntary. You can’t really pressure or bully someone into consenting. Well, technically you can, but it won’t be real consent then.
- Enthusiasm. Again, if someone is not really excited or actively agreeing to something, you might not have their full consent.
- Revocability. There’s no such thing as a forever consent. Anyone has the right to change their mind at any point. Yes, even if you have been dating someone for months, and even if you’ve already undressed each other and even started having sex.
What do FRIES and CRISP consent mean?
If you’ve ever researched the topic of consent you’ve possibly come across the acronyms FRIES and CRISP. Their meaning is pretty simple – each letter stands for a specific element of consent, helping us remember what it entails as a whole.
FRIES stands for:
- Freely given
- Reversible
- Informed
- Enthusiastic
- Specific
Whereas CRISP stands for:
- Consent
- Respect
- Integrity
- Safety
- Pleasure
Silence is consent? No!
It’s very dangerous to confuse silence with consent. There are a million reasons why someone may keep their mouth shut while being exposed to something they don’t want or like. They can be shy, caught off-guard, or simply struggle with expressing their emotions due to natural shyness or past traumas.
Consent is always an active thing, not passive. If you don’t have active and explicit consent, your advances can be viewed as sexual assault and harassment.
What is consensual non-consent?
There are some types of environments and situations when two lovers can choose to indulge in a fantasy that would be considered an assault or rape in the real world. With such fantasies, consent is deliberately suspended in advance. Both partners discussed it before and agreed on the terms, so everything happens in a completely safe and controlled environment. It’s a common practice in BDSM but also in general sex activities.
If you decide to engage in consensual non-consent (CNC), remember the key ingredients of success:
- Discuss and negotiate what’s okay and what’s not before you start.
- Talk about mutual desires and preferred scenarios.
- Make sure you both trust each other and have open and honest communication.
- Catch up afterward to confirm you’re both feeling fine and there are no discomfort or negative emotions about what just happened.
Things that are not consent, even though you might think they are
Consent is a multi-layered concept, so there is definitely room for confusion. Here is what CANNOT be considered consent:
- Your partner’s silence
- Pressuring someone into agreeing
- Someone saying Yes while intoxicated
- When you’re hiding part of the information
- Assuming someone agreed
- Thinking that consent from five years ago is still valid
Don't forget to ask for consent! Yes, even if you're already dating
Just because you’re with someone doesn’t automatically mean that they’re going to agree to everything that you’re willing to do or say. Especially, if you’ve never done something before, for example, had anal sex.
Why is ongoing consent important for couples?
People change their minds and how they feel about something all the time. For instance, when you’ve just started dating, your partner might have been cool with you going on dates with other people because you were casual. With time, you move to the next stage of the relationship, and they no longer want you to go out with random strangers. So if you don’t get updated consent from them first, there’s going to be trouble.
How to ask for consent
Now, it can feel a bit weird and awkward to ask for consent in certain situations, but it’s still important. Here are a few tips to help you master the art of asking for consent:
- Seek enthusiastic consent to be extra sure
- Don’t leave out crucial elements of what you’re asking about, be specific
- Be friendly and not pushy or aggressive
- Watch out for power imbalance and make sure it doesn’t influence the consent
You may feel silly asking for consent, but trust us – your partner will appreciate you doing it. Consent makes everyone feel more comfortable, and that’s the basis for building a healthy relationship and strong emotional intimacy.
