Weaponized Incompetence: Everything You (Don’t) Want to Know
In today’s article, we’ll attempt to dissect the term, understand what it constitutes, and help you deal with its consequences.
What is weaponized incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence describes something that we all know very well, but now it has a new fancy name. The basic meaning of weaponized incompetence is that it’s a tactic or a strategy, where a person pretends to be bad at something to avoid responsibility. Surely it’s nothing new.
Signs and examples of weaponized incompetence
Let’s go through the main signs and examples that expose someone as a heavy user of weaponized incompetence.
- Someone is pretending to be bad at a certain task with the goal of avoiding doing it. For example, your boyfriend or girlfriend can pretend they have no idea how to use the washing machine, and when you force them to finally pick up the chore, they mess up the detergent proportions, mix white and colored clothes, or choose the wrong washing mode. By doing that, they’re hoping that they’ll do the task so badly that it will be easier for you to do it yourself next time instead of asking them.
- They’re asking you to explain the chore over and over again, even though it’s not rocket science. For example, a husband asking how to dress kids for school, plus coming up with countless follow-up questions to the point where the wife is ready to explode.
- Another common example is when you ask a person to do something, and they start complimenting you for being so good at this particular thing and asking you to show them how to do it. And when you start showing them – exactly, they can’t care less, they’re just happy they don’t have to do it themselves.
It’s possible to exercise weaponized incompetence for pretty much anything, for example:
- Going to the grocery store with a list but coming back with half the products.
- Putting groceries away, but leaving them in the store bag and fitting it just like that.
- Taking leftovers away but putting them in the fridge right in the pan and without a lid.
- Preparing the kids for school but not giving them lunches.
- Picking up the ice cake for the birthday party, but leaving it on the counter to melt away.
- Vacuuming the rooms but not moving extra objects from the floor and simply vacuuming around them.
- Cooking dinner for your partner but leaving a giant mess in the kitchen.
- Changing the diaper but doing it so that it falls apart while the kid is wearing it.
The list can go on forever, and we at Once are fuming just writing it down, imagining how it all happens in real life!
Here are some of the go-to phrases you can hear an experienced weaponized incompetence user say:
- Gosh, I really don’t know how to do it, can you take over?
- You’re so much better at XYZ than me.
- Honey, that’s your area of expertise.
- Well, I can do it, but it will take forever, and I’ll probably do something wrong.
- How about you do it this time, and I’ll do it next time?
Why do people resort to weaponized incompetence?
There is more than one reason why someone might think weaponizing incompetence is a good idea.
It’s a control thing
This wouldn’t be a problem in a healthy relationship, but if there’s a power imbalance in your couple and someone wants to assert dominance, they can resort to weaponized incompetence as a way to keep their partner “in check” and “where they belong”.
They want attention
Sometimes the person who’s appearing incompetent is doing it to get some extra attention out of their partner. They’ll pretend they’re helpless and lost only to have the romantic partner be closer to them and feel their support.
Avoiding responsibility
We all want to live an easy and happy life. Unfortunately, some individuals have no problem achieving that at the expense of others. The common story you hear is husbands pretending to be absolutely clueless about work around the house or caring for kids to avoid having to do it.
Weaponized vs genuine incompetence
There is also room for unintentional incompetence. You’ll see it a lot if you start dating online and matching with people from different socioeconomic backgrounds or those raised very differently than you. Say, someone comes from the upper class and they’re used to having help around the house 24/7. It’s only natural they’ll be useless when it comes to laundry, vacuuming, and everything like that. Same with dating an ex-spoiled kid. If your perfect match was exempt from all household chores and work by excessively loving parents, it’s no surprise that they’ve grown into barely functional adults.
Weaponized incompetence vs learned helplessness
Learned helplessness is different from weaponized incompetence. With learned helplessness, a person is led to believe that they’re incompetent due to experiencing failures in the past or being conditioned to believing that they’re no good by people in their life. For example, if your partner is really terrible at cooking and they’ve burnt endless meals before, they can resort to thinking that they can’t be saved and they’re absolutely unable to produce something edible.
Unlike weaponized incompetence, learned helplessness is unintentional and is often a conditioned response to particular tasks or chores. With the latter, the person genuinely believes they can’t do something, and they’re not faking it to get out of doing it.
Weaponized incompetence vs malicious compliance
These two terms are similar in intention and maliciousness but differ in execution strategies. Malicious compliance is passive-aggressive by nature, and it’s done to expose the flaws in the instructions. For example, if you’re telling your wife to bring you an extra shirt to work because you spilled coffee on yours, she can come with a dirty or unironed shirt that you can’t change into. So, in the end, the task that’s been given to the wife is complete, but the result is unsatisfactory and impractical.
The aftermath of weaponized incompetence in a relationship
If someone is exercising weaponized incompetence for long enough, at some point, it’s going to take a toll on the romance.
One of the many problems with weaponized incompetence is that it creates an imbalance in mental load and emotional labor between the partners. As a result, one person is constantly managing all the tasks, plans, and everything to do with the couple’s lives, while the other person is cruising carelessly.
This usually creates resentment, mistrust, break of the emotional bond, conflicts, and even breakups. It’s really hard to date someone who you can’t trust or rely on. At some point, you are bound to start arguing about seemingly meaningless things just because the responsible partner is so fed up with everything.
In fact, it’s very common for long-term weaponized incompetence to be a trigger for the partner to start falling out of love. Dating can be hard, especially long-term, and even if you’re doing slow dating. Having this constant frustration building up more and more is very dangerous for the couple, no matter how compatible they are in other areas.
How to deal with weaponized incompetence in a relationship
If you’ve noticed that weaponized incompetence is the third wheel in your relationship, there are steps you can take to combat it.
- Acknowledge the problem. Have an honest, deep talk with your partner and try to come to an understanding that it is a problem.
- Talk about it. Don’t fight, but talk. The goal here is to explain to your lover how their behavior makes you feel and why it’s important that the situation changes. Also, make sure to have a list of clear examples from the recent past.
- Listen to what they have to say. We’re all living in our own worlds, so it’s possible that your partner is clueless or has a totally different perspective on the matter. For a balanced conversation, take the time (and patience) to hear their side of the story.
- Establish boundaries. Relationship boundaries are an excellent tool for enforcing new behaviors and making positive changes in a relationship without escalating the issue. With boundaries, you outline the whys, rules, and consequences for disregarding them. Some see it as restrictive and excessive, but they’re really lowering the stress with transparency. Both people know the rules of the game, and nobody is blindsided.
- Check in every so often to track the progress. Just like any project or a big goal, getting rid of a bad habit takes time, and it’s possible that there will be mishaps along the way. Doing regular check-ins to discuss how everything’s going will help you stay on track.
At any point in dealing with this, don’t be shy to reach out to a licensed therapist. Navigating issues as a couple can be a tough task, and having a neutral person leading the conversation can save you both from a lot of negative emotion, the blaming game, and other detouring from the main issue.
Lastly, know when to walk away. Yes, you’ve shared so many good memories together, and they’ve been so sweet when you texted in the dating chat, but if they’re making your everyday life a living hell, and they’re unwilling to change, this might be a good time to wish them goodbye and move on with your life.
Is weaponized incompetence abuse?
It depends on what you qualify as abuse, but we’d say it’s safe to say Yes. Weaponized incompetence may not be as openly toxic and horrible as love bombing or gaslighting, but it’s equally detrimental to the other person’s mental health and the relationship itself.
If you think about it, weaponized incompetence is pure manipulation. You don’t want to do something, and you prefer your partner to do it, so you cosplay incompetence to have it your way. That sounds very abusive, and not at all aligned with mindful dating.
