A Talk About Sex: the Whys, the Hows, and the What Abouts

We need to stop running away from this topic and be able to discuss sex-related matters as adults. It’s easier said than done though, especially if you’ve never been open about such intimate parts of your life. But worry not! The Once team is here for your rescue.  

Why talk about sex  

First things first, are we sure we need to talk about sex? Yes! Absolutely. Here’s why: 

To destigmatize sex 

Stigmatizing such a natural and essential part of relationships means feeding into ungrounded taboos and misconceptions. By having open and honest conversations about sex, sexuality, and everything that comes with it, we can get rid of discrimination and shame that cripples so many adults in the US. 

For higher sexual satisfaction 

The more we talk about our sexual preferences, fantasies, desires, and icks, the more satisfied we can become in the bedroom. Our partners will know what we want, and they’ll be glad to please us the right way. 

To promote healthy sex practices 

If we don’t talk about sex, we also don’t talk about STIs, unwanted pregnancies, traumas, and consent. Sex can be beautiful and fulfilling, and passionate, but it can also be dangerous to your physical and mental health. That’s why we need those conversations – to share experiences and know what to lean to and what to stay away from.

As an empowerment tool 

Sex is a means of pleasure but, in the wrong hands, it also becomes a way to control and shame others. If you refuse to conform and voice your experiences and wishes loud and proud, it becomes harder to oppress you. 

To improve sex education

Let’s be honest, the state of sex education in our country is highly unfortunate. Sex is a big part of an adult’s life, and the more they know about the topic, the higher the quality of their life will be. Many women grow up not knowing that they put the tampon in a different place than where they pee. There’s always a need for a talk about our bodies, sex, and everything in between. 

To resolve conflicts in relationships

They say money is the number one reason for divorce, but the second one could easily be rooted in sexual dissatisfaction. When we’re not happy in bed, we start to project and lash out at our partners about random things. And it’s the same with casual hookups too. People argue about something else instead of dealing with the root cause out of shame or shyness. Let’s change that!

To boost intimacy

If you’re into mindful dating, then physical and emotional intimacies probably play a big role in your romantic life. One way to improve them is to have honest conversations about life plans, values, and, you guessed it, sex. Being able to discuss everything makes you closer to another person. Next time you start dating online and meet your perfect match, try talking about sex with them. Start with a dating chat if you’re shy about discussing it in person. You’ll see how that changes the vibe of your relationship. 

When to talk about sex 

You might have important sex-related topics to cover, but there’s a time and a place to do it. 

For instance, if your partner is grieving or overwhelmed with an important work project, you might want to hold off for some time. Also, we’d not recommend shouting the “Let’s talk about sex” line if you’re not alone or in public spaces. That’s not a good place to be vulnerable and honest about your sex experiences and preferences. 

Apart from the examples above, it’s pretty much up to you when and how to open up the conversation. Here are a few options for you:

1. Early in a relationship. You can choose to talk about sex upfront, even if you’re into slow dating and not planning to have a sexy time soon. You’ll be able to learn more about your crush, communicate mutual relationship boundaries that also include sex, and make sure you’re on the same page.
2. Before having sex. You don’t have to be boyfriend and girlfriend (or any other combination) to have sex. It can be spontaneous and even happen on the first date. If that’s the case, talk about each other’s sexual health, make sure you agree on protection methods, and get full consent before you get naked. 
3. When milestones happen. Any time there’s something important going on in your relationship, like becoming exclusive, moving in together, trying for a kid, etc, you can talk about sex at this time too. It’s good to revisit your agreements, plans and desires every once in a while to secure a healthy relationship on all fronts. 
4. Whenever there is an issue. Don’t wait and hope the problem will go away, deal with it as soon as it arises. If we dismiss, ignore, or snub sexual issues, 9 out of 10 times they lead to something worse. 

What to discuss during your talk about sex  

If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few topics you can cover with your partner: 

1. Your sexual fantasies
2. Something you wanted to try but wasn’t sure 
3. Use of sex toys and accessories 
4. Masturbation habits and doing it alone or with the partner 
5. Protection methods 

Tips for talking about sex 

Before we sign off, here are a few tips on how to talk about sex to make it productive and not awkward. 

1. Talk about sex regularly and don’t be shy to be proactive about it. Basically, the more we talk, and the better job we do at that, the more intimate and close we are with our lovers.  
2. Be kind and gentle when talking about sex. Obviously, aggression and accusation don’t help. But your snarky remarks about certain sex practices or problems might accidentally push your partner away if they’re dealing with something similar right now. 
3. Use “I’ statements rather than “You”. This will help the other person feel secure and it won’t seem like you are attacking them. 
4. Listen more than you talk. Try to be an active listener. Showing a little empathy and making an effort to really understand what the other person is saying goes a long way.
5. Stay open to new ideas but don’t forget about your boundaries. Don’t let the partner’s enthusiasm carry you away, and make you agree to something you’re not really into.