Stonewalling in Dating: a Great Way to Get What You Want or a Cruel Tactic?
Every couple fights sometimes. Even if you’ve found your perfect match, and if you’re a proponent of mindful dating, conflicts happen. But while conflicts are inevitable, the conflict styles we utilize are up to us. One of the phenomena of fights in romantic couples that we’d like to talk about today is stonewalling.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is a behavior where one partner creates a distance or builds a wall between them and their lover. With stonewalling, you refuse any form of communication as an emotional response to the other person’s words or behavior. They’re neither starting the conversation, nor responding to words, calls, or messages in the dating chat. The recipient of stonewalling often sees their partner as dismissive and cold.
Stonewalling vs silent treatment
Isn’t stonewalling just the rebranded silent treatment, you may ask? Not exactly!
Silent treatment and stonewalling are both somewhat problematic for the relationship. They can be damaging in the long run because, instead of dealing with the conflict and voicing your concerns, you delay reconciliation and, often, make the problem worse.
The major difference between the two is that stonewalling is not malicious by intent but rather it’s more of a coping mechanism. The person is shutting down because they don’t have other tools or mechanisms to apply to resolve the fight. Or maybe they have them, but they’re far too hurt to think straight.
Silent treatment, in turn, is a deliberate manipulation tactic. Somebody doesn’t say or do what we want, so we ignore them until they cave. It’s also possible that those giving silent treatment are hurt too, and not just plain manipulative, but they know what they’re doing. This way of punishing the other partner is very toxic to the romance, and it’s a common tactic of narcissists.
Types of stonewalling
Now that we’ve established that silent treatment and stonewalling are different concepts, let’s dive back into the stonewalling concept. There are two types of this behavior that you may come across when dating online or offline alike.
Intentional stonewalling
Stonewalling can be used as a weapon that helps one partner establish and maintain control through manipulation. With this type of stonewalling, the person is fully aware of their tactics and implements them intentionally to get what they want.
Unintentional stonewalling
Humans do a lot of things without realizing what they’re doing. If you’ve been suscepted to something for a certain time period, you’ll likely learn to accept and replicate it. For example, if you grew up in a household where stonewalling was something your father used to do all the time, you’ll only see it as normal behavior.
Unintentional stonewalling is not only rooted in childhood though, it’s something you can learn as an adult too by being exposed to other stonewallers or by living through a trauma. If your previous partner was short-tempered and didn’t react well when you spoke back, staying silent could have been the only way to handle the conflict.
What causes stonewalling?
There are many reasons why someone would practice stonewalling. As we’ve just learned, not all of those reasons are ill-intended, but they are all hurtful.
- Thinking the partner doesn’t want to work on the issue
- Sincere thought that there’s no way to resolve the conflict
- Willingness to reduce the tension and avoid further escalation
- Conflict avoidance in general
- Manipulating the partner to get what they want
- Wanting to portray their partner as immature and overly emotional
- Sabotaging the relationship to have it ended as a result of the fight
How to identify stonewalling? Key signs
You’d think that stonewalling is hard to miss, but it comes in subtle forms too. So here are the main signs of stonewalling that you can witness but not realize what it is:
- Ignoring the other person’s words, signs, questions, and overall presence in the space.
- Being passive-aggressive and dismissive when the partner is trying to talk to you or touch you.
- Not making eye contact and leaving the room when the person comes in.
- Resorting to silence mid-fight.
- Denying stonewalling when confronted by the partner.
- Doing your best to avoid the uncomfortable topic, for instance, by changing the subject.
- Talking but only to blame the other person without really discussing the issue.
Is stonewalling toxic?
It’s debatable whether stonewalling is toxic or not. The Once team argues that it can be sometimes, but it’s not its default setting.
With intentional stonewalling, the person might not necessarily hate their lover or think badly of them. However, the fact that they would use stonewalling, especially repeatedly, to get what they want with little to no regard for how it affects their partners’ mental health and life in general is vile.
At the same time, if the stonewaller is doing it unintentionally, because that’s the behavior they learned from past experiences and/or trauma, then it’s still not great, obviously, but we shouldn’t judge such people too harshly. What needs to be done is a round of open and honest conversations and, ideally, a trip to the licensed therapist who’ll be able to help you guys navigate this issue.
How does stonewalling affect the relationship?
If stonewalling is not something you engage in all the time, the impact on your romance will be minimal. Yet, if you notice yourself or your partner resorting to this instrument more and more, this is a reason to be concerned.
Those who are on the receiving end of stonewalling will grow resentful over time and will feel abused and underappreciated. You can’t build a healthy relationship like that! The person who practices stonewalling, in turn, risks becoming less empathetic and more manipulative over time which will make them a terrible partner.
If stonewalling goes on for too long, we’ll end up with a couple where one person questions their self-worth and feels constantly hurt by their partner, whereas the partner will feel like manipulation is the only way to achieve what they want. This is a painful dynamic that cannot bring happiness in the long term.
Additionally, stonewalling might stop giving the desired effect and result in escalations of even the most minor issues. If you’re always facing a silent, non-communicative partner, you end up very frustrated, so every little thing can have you blow up like dynamite. In the end, both partners will feel horrible mentally and physically, and require healing from the relationship.
Stonewalling vs gaslighting
Stonewalling might not be a great thing to do for the relationship, but it’s not the end of the world most of the time. Gaslighting, in turn, is the definition of abuse. Extreme stonewalling can be a form of gaslighting, pushing the partner to blame themselves for the conflict and apologize. However, stonewalling can be accidental and unintentional, whereas gaslighting can’t.
Stonewalling vs grey rock
Stonewalling and grey rock have very different meanings. In fact, grey rock is a strategy that is used to deal with manipulators. So, if someone is stonewalling you, you can become (or pretend to be) uninvested in the fight to make the manipulator lose interest in their game, i.e. doing the grey rock.
How to respond to stonewalling in a relationship
There are several ways you can navigate stonewalling.
The first of them we’ve already briefly touched on – is grey rock. If you’re facing a stonewaller, disengage with them completely. Do they want to ignore you? No problem, let them do it and go on with your life. Grey rock can be used for all manipulative tactics, and it’s a powerful way to protect your peace.
Grey rock will help you manage the situation at hand, but it will not remove the root cause of stonewalling. If your partner is open to it, take them to therapy, together and individually. This behavior comes from somewhere, and you need to find the root cause to move on.
Having vulnerable conversations helps immensely too. It’s hard to remain open and empathetic when you’re always facing a wall of silence, but if you want this romance to work, it’s important that you try.
Also, if you want to protect yourself from the negative effects of stonewalling, you can suggest to your partner to switch to slow dating for the time being. Spend more time apart, don’t rush with relationship stages, and give each other space.
Lastly, discuss your relationship boundaries. Talk about why stonewalling (and other things) is not acceptable and how they make you feel. If your partner cares for you, they’ll take note, and this will be an additional motivation for them to change.
