Stashing in Dating, and What You Need to Know About It

Stashing in Dating, and What You Need to Know About It

Please welcome today’s hero – romantic stashing. This new trend is upsetting and often toxic, but it’s not 100% evil. Let us elaborate.

What is stashing in dating?

Stashing, also known as pocketing, is a behavioral pattern where one of the partners keeps the other one away from their friends, family, and coworkers. The stashed partner is not necessarily a secret, as the couple can roam around town and go to public places together, yet they’re not allowed into their lover’s inner circle. 

Signs of stashing

Here are the cues that you’re being stashed in your relationship. 

1. You guys are acting like a girlfriend and boyfriend for a while but you’ve not seen any of their friends or family.
2. Any time the topic of meeting their inner circle comes up, they change the subject.
3. They are still dating online, or at least you have the reasons to suspect it. 
4. Your partner acts all-in when you’re alone together in the safety of your home, but once you’re about and about – you’d think they are single if you didn’t know any better. No holding hands or hugging, no affection at all. You could be mistaken for a brother and a sister who are not that close. 
5. They’re not posting you on social media, and remove the tags if you post them.
6. You have only a vague idea of what they’re doing when they’re not with you. 
7. They hesitate to call you their girlfriend or boyfriend or put any label on your relationship. 
8. Future planning together is not something you do, and they’re not actively considering your interests when planning their next steps. 
9. You’re excluded from celebrations of their important events or milestones. 

The main sign of being stashed, however, is if you feel like a secret. Our intuition is very powerful, and when there’s smoke, there’s usually a fire. 

Stashing vs ghosting

Some people confuse the two terms, and they’re not entirely wrong. Stashing is when you’re actively hiding your partner from the rest of your social circle. Ghosting is when you abruptly stop responding to calls and texts and completely vanish from the person’s life.  

Both seem very different but can feel equally hurtful. Those tactics are usually the opposite of mindful dating, and if a person does it to you, they’re not your perfect match nine times out of ten. 

Why is someone stashing you? 

That’s a question that only the stasher will know a truthful answer to, but if the Once team had to guess, we’d say it’s probably one of the following reasons. 

1. They’re not sure about you. Maybe they like you, or maybe they enjoy sexting and fooling around more than they appreciate you as a person. In that case, they don’t want to commit by introducing you to their friends and family. 
2. They’re embarrassed of you. It sucks, but it happens. Remember Charlotte from Sex and the City? Her husband was first used as a booty call, someone she only saw in the bedroom and wouldn’t be caught dead going out in public. In the TV series, it all ended with a marriage and kids, but the reality is often more gruesome. 
3. They’re embarrassed of their friends and family. Not all of us are blessed with loving families and close friend groups that we’re proud to be a part of. Perhaps they’re unsure how you’ll react when you see who this person hangs out with. It’s not always a pink flag, but can still be bad. 
4. They’re dating someone else secretly. Unless you’ve agreed to be exclusive, there is a fair chance that your partner is dating others while they’re also with you. In that case, not introducing you to friends and avoiding posting you on socials makes perfect sense. 
5. They prefer slow dating. Everyone dates differently. To you, it may seem like they’re keeping you away from friends on purpose, and to them, it’s just not the time yet. Slow dating can be tricky if only one of the partners prefers it, but it’s actually quite healthy to not rush things. Of course, if you’ve been steady for six months and you’ve still not seen anyone, something isn’t right. 
6. They’re very private and reserved. Who knows, maybe your lover has just one or two friends and no immediate family, and they only ever see them on major holidays. In that case, it’s perfectly normal that you don’t get to see their friends because your lover doesn’t see them either. 

Is stashing good or bad?

The meaning and the implications of stashing depend a lot on the situation, and whether you are a stasher or a stashee. In general, stashing relationships is cruel only if the other person is looking for something serious. If you both are following around and not ready to commit to anything whatsoever, then stashing is just fine. After all, we’re not going to introduce our friends to every hookup, right? 

However, if you feel that your partner wants to be with you or at least is ready to explore the serious relationship route, then stashing them is hurtful. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to introduce them to your circle yet, it’s not entirely fair to blame you either. 

As you see, one shouldn’t declare that stashing is horrible or that it’s absolutely normal. There’s nuance. Most of the time, if you or your partner don’t feel good about the stashing arrangement, that’s your telling sign to stop. Other than that, you can use this dating trend as a temporary solution but don’t rely on it too heavily. 

What to do if you're being stashed?

If you suspect that you’re being stashed, and you care enough about the person to deal with it, then start by asking them directly. A simple “Hey, we’ve been going out for a while, I don’t think I’ve met any of your friends yet, should we arrange a dinner together?” goes a long way. 

See how they react, ask follow-up questions if they show reluctance:

1. Why don’t you want me to meet your friends or family?
2. Do you think I’ll get to meet them any time soon?
3. What is stopping you from introducing me?
4. What kind of relationship do you envision for us? 

Tip: Ask those questions in person, and not in your dating chat. You’ll have a much more honest and vulnerable conversation face-to-face. 

The key here is to not be accusing because the situation may have nothing to do with you. If you attack them right away, your partner can close off and not share the honest reason. Keep in mind that they may be embarrassed or sad about the reasons, so keep it gentle, demure, and mindful.

Give them the courtesy of the doubt, at least at the start. If you later realize that they’re being messy and dishonest, feel free to go wild!