What is ‘The Spark’ in Relationships?
Everybody wants it, everyone needs it, but it’s not as easy to find. If you’re just as curious about the spark in a relationship as we are, then keep on reading! Today we’re exploring what the spark actually means, whether a relationship can thrive without it, and how to get your spark back.
What do dating experts say about "the spark"?
Romantic chemistry, also known as the spark, is an instantly electrifying feeling between two people. It’s the special kind of attraction that signifies that the couple matches well.
Many dating experts confirm that having a spark is a good thing and a sign that your relationship will get stronger, however, they don’t claim that it’s a must for a successful romance. Some couples start off with little chemistry but move on to developing a loving connection and their own spark that keeps them close.
Also, it is noted that a strong spark can cause people to overlook potential incompatibility signs and even red flags. When feelings are running high, and you believe that you’ve finally found your perfect match, anything that doesn’t fit into the narrative can get pushed under the rug, creating relationship issues down the line.
The difference between instant chemistry and lasting connection
Both instant chemistry and lasting connection refer to a mutual attraction that people feel when they start dating.
Instant chemistry, as you may guess from its name, is a fast and intense attraction that is typical for the first few weeks of the relationship. It is both physical and emotional, and it contributes to our infatuation with the other person.
Lasting connection, in turn, is something that is usually cultivated over time. You can’t have a lasting connection with someone you’ve just met. Instead, you build it slowly day by day through spending time together, opening up emotionally, and sharing values and goals.
Why relationships without an initial spark can still thrive
Don’t worry if your romance doesn’t seem to have a spark. Because what is that spark in a relationship really? It’s a fleeting moment, a special type of attraction, but it’s not the only one. There are endless ways that we feel and express our emotions to each other.
And strong, healthy relationships require so much more than a spark to flourish. Instant chemistry is a great bonus but it’s not a guarantee that the couple will stay together for a long period of time. Flings and various hookups often come with a spark, but they’re not going anywhere. It is much more critical for the two people to align in their vision and values, the lifestyle they want to live, and the plans they have for their future.
Lastly, it is normal and expected for the spark to pale at least a little as you move on to the later stages of your relationship. You can’t experience the same emotions about a person seven years after you’ve met. In fact, it would be weird if your feelings wouldn’t change at all. Simply because the spark transforms into something new doesn’t mean it’s worse than it used to be.
Signs the spark is missing
If you’re not sure whether you still have a spark in love meaning as a couple, here are a couple of signs that will either confirm or dissuade you from that idea.
- You feel constant emotional distance and disconnection from your partner.
- There is a lack of excitement or anticipation with regard to your love life and your partner.
- Physical intimacy is fading, and whenever you have sex – it’s not as good as it used to be.
- Other areas of life have higher priority now and your relationship gets pushed away.
- Your partner’s imperfections that didn’t bother you before start to become an issue now.
- Fights and conflicts are very common guests in your household.
How to rekindle the spark
If you’ve been dating for a while and the spark is long gone, or you fear that you’ve never had it to begin with – there are ways to rekindle it or manufacture it for your couple. Here is what you can do.
#1 Start with open communication and vulnerability
Yes, it's obvious advice for a lot of relationship issues, but it’s genuinely the best start you can have to rekindle the romantic chemistry. As an online dating site, we spend a good amount of time studying the nuances of relationships, talking to experts, and uncovering people’s personal experiences. The most common denominator to how lovers fixed whatever it was that was bothering them was through having an honest conversation.
Having a deep talk is not always easy, but it’s paramount to fixing things. Lead by sharing how you feel and refrain from blaming each other (easier said than done, right?), brainstorm what you can do to turn things around. For example, maybe you need a change of scenery, and a few days away together will do wonders.
#2 Spend quality time together
Just because you spend a lot of time together, it doesn’t mean that this time is special or high quality.
For instance, couples that live in the same apartment can spend most of their day working, watching shows or YouTube, sharing memes with each other, and discussing surface-level things like dinner choices. It’s not bad per se, but it’s not quality time spent with your romantic partner.
Meaningful time together involves focusing on each other (and not your phones) and talking about real, deep topics (not celebrity gossip).
Here is what quality time together can mean for you as a part of rekindling your spark journey:
- Having a meal together outside the house and spending the entire time talking. It doesn’t have to be strictly dinner, you can bond and connect with someone over breakfast and lunch too. What’s important is that you focus on each other and make it about you as a couple, and not a quick bite while you’re scrolling emails or talking about work.
- Have a set time and date every week for when you get to be together without any interruptions. Think about it as a nice tradition for you as a couple. No matter how busy you are and what time of the year it is, you still commit to this particular time slot that is reserved for your relationship.
- Sharing house chores and running errands. Although it doesn’t sound particularly exciting and romantic, sharing mundane tasks and finding beauty in doing little things together will bring you closer and give you a sense of partnership.
- Take a course together. There’s something about sharing an experience together and learning new skills, languages, or ideas that will inspire you and give you a fresh perspective. Being able to share this with your loved one will add to the quality of your relationship.
- Plan together. It’s easy to go with the flow for years and end up in a situation that’s not exactly where you’d like to be. Planning for the future with your partner will put you in sync and bring you closer.
#3 Introduce new experiences and spontaneity
We’ve already suggested you take a course together but sharing new experiences is a great idea overall. Trying new hobbies, new sports, and atypical recreational activities is good for your soul and for your relationship.
Also, something that many adults struggle with is spontaneity. Remember all those memes about trying to arrange a trip with friends above a certain age? The same applies to couples. We’re just not as spontaneous when we grow up, and the weight of responsibilities pushes us to want to stay in more and stick to familiar activities.
If you want to spark love in your relationship again, try to be more spur-of-the-moment. Buy concert tickets three hours before the show, change your usual walking route, and say Yes to an invite that you’d normally decline. Do it and see how it helps you shake things up.
#4 Give each other time
We’re not robots, so it’s not possible to program yourself to just have the spark and be done with it. Such things take time, so give each other grace, and don’t be discouraged if rekindling the spark takes longer than you’d want. Remember that you can still enjoy the process by doing new things, trying new methods, and getting to know your partner all over again.
When to move on
The decision to leave and break up is only yours to make. If you feel that it doesn't work out, and the spark is gone for good, along with the feelings you had, then it might be a good idea to move on. After all, you want to be happy, and your partner deserves that too.
If you think about giving up and moving on, here are a few tips that we can share to smoothen the process:
- Don’t rush it. Unless you’re in immediate danger or feel completely burnt out from the romance, don’t pull the plug the second you consider this option. Make sure it’s a well-thought-out decision and not an impulse that you might regret later.
- Work out a balance between expectations and the effort that you put in. Plan and discuss with your partner how much work you’re willing to put into bringing the spark back. At some point, it really makes no sense to drag things, but you might be so caught up with it that you miss this milestone. Pre-agree on some sort of deadline, even if you just do a mental note to yourself.
- Analyze how they’ve been making you feel lately. What was the last time you guys genuinely had a good time and a laugh? If you’re shocked by how long ago that was, this can be your cue. Also, if you always feel miserable around them, that is not a good sign either.
Overall, if you’re bored in your partner’s presence, or they make you feel sad or keep on fighting with you a lot, this can mean that the relationship has simply run its course. Don’t give up on your romance right away, but definitely don’t push yourself to stay when it’s clearly time to go.
