Situationship: the New Antihero of Modern Dating

What is situationship?

If you’re lucky, you have no idea what situationship are and how it feels to be in one. Because situationship is a weird limbo somewhere between a hookup and a relationship. In a situationship, you don’t really know where you stand, and you likely have some feelings towards the other person, but there’s no understanding of the current state, your future together, or even how they feel about you.  

Situationship has a negative connotation because of the anxiety, stress, and uncertainty that it brings to those in it. Also, there’s usually a power dynamic where one person is more invested in the relationship, and the other one is messing around. It’s like they’re keeping you close just in case, but don’t want to limit their freedom by committing to anything. 

So as you see, the term might be new, but the meaning behind it is very familiar to humankind. 

Signs of situationship

Here is an “I’m in a situationship” checklist that can help you identify if you are, indeed, in one. 

1. Nobody asked or answered the “what are we” question. 
2. One or both of you can still be dating online or offline outside of your couple. 
3. Sex plays a major part in your relationship. 
4. You seem like a real couple to the outside world, but you’re both pretending it’s casual.
5. There’s no deep emotional connection or even mediocre emotional connection between you two.
6. You jump from being all over each other 24/7 to no contact for days.
7. You’ve not met each other’s friends or family, and if you did, it was most likely an accident. 
8. There’s no planning involved in your dynamic, and the person might hit you up and invite you to do things on the same day (think booty calls).
9. Nobody talks about the future of your relationship or your joint future in general.
10. There’s constant stress about ruining what you have by asking uncomfortable questions, it’s almost like you’re walking on eggshells at all times.  
11. Important dates and milestones are not necessarily celebrated together. 
12. One or both of you claim that they’re not interested in a serious romance.

Rules of situationship

Situationship is a game. It’s a chaotic game, but still has some unspoken rules that you can follow to navigate this highly unpredictable romantic environment. 

Situationship is temporary

You can’t stay in this undecided state forever. Situationships are all about uncertainty and not knowing where the relationship is going. Naturally, this arrangement ends at some point. Either it turns into a real relationship, or the couple breaks up and both move on with their lives. 

You don’t expect the normal relationship stuff

Situationships kind of look like real relationships but they’re not. One of the big differences lies in the availability of partners. You can’t just stop by their place, call at random times, or agree to plans on behalf of the other person. Those are all normal when you’re in a real relationship, but with situationship, you don’t know where you stand, where this is going, and how the other person actually feels. Sounds toxic and exhausting, right?

Forget about exclusivity in situationships

Sorry, but there’s no reason why you should think that exclusivity is on the table in situationships. Unlike with mindful dating, where both partners are looking for something specific and choose to be honest and open about those expectations, situations are messy. By the nature of the “arrangement”, you can’t ask for exclusivity, and if you do, you might be ridiculed, brushed off, or lied to in your face. 

Weirdly, you’re still supposed to care for one another in a situationship

Even though situationships resemble a battlefield where you’re always on guard, dodging bullets, and trying to keep peace at all costs, there is room for tenderness and care. In a way, it reminds the slow dating process, where nobody is committed yet, but you’re showing your affection and support to the other person. How it manages to co-exist with a lack of clarity and (un)intentional hurtful action is a topic for another discussion. 

Isn’t situationship just dating?

Dating and situationships can feel similar to an untrained eye. 

When people are dating, there’s usually an intention and expectation that those dates are leading to something. Situationships are different. To the outside world, it may look like you are dating, found a perfect match, and are in a healthy relationship, but in reality, you’re just being confused all the time while doing something together with another person. 

Confidence and openness are two factors that also help understand if you’re dealing with casual dating or a situationship. With dating, asking questions and challenging the status quo can be weird but overall are normal. With situationships, you’re always walking on thin ice. There’s no certainty about anything, and you’re afraid to ask about your romantic status because it may drive the other person away.    

Situationship vs friends-with-benefits

Now this caused some turmoil in the Once office. Some of us thought situationship and friends-with-benefits (FWB) were basically the same, others did not agree at all. What we’ve found after a joint brainstorming and a chat with experts, is that the two terms are very different. 

As FWB, both adults are aware of the deal they’re entering. You agree to only have casual sex and have no intentions to become a couple and join an exclusive and committed relationship. Surely, we’re not robots, and it’s possible that someone still falls in love. However, there is no ill intention from the start. The rules of the game are pretty clear, and nobody was manipulating or using anyone. 

With situationship, it’s completely different. There’s one person who’s playing, and the other one who’s fantasizing about them building a genuine union. It’s sad, unfair, and cruel. 

While some friends-with-benefits arrangements can end ugly too, a lot of them will simply dissolve when one of the “friends” finds someone special and moves on. In situationships, someone is bound to get hurt. It’s pretty much unavoidable. 

Is situationship good or bad?

Situationships suck, no doubt about that. Why would you want to be subjected to a nerve-wracking nightmare where your feelings get hurt on a daily basis? That’s exactly the situationship experience. Suffering and anxiety. To be fair, the first few days or a couple of weeks may seem fine when the feeling is fresh and you’re not expecting anything just yet. But very quickly the positive emotions and thrill become replaced by despair. It’s simply not worth it. 

Can a situationship turn into a relationship?

It’s more likely that a situationship will not go anywhere. They start when one of the partners isn’t ready to commit and build a real relationship. The chances of them changing their mind are slim, but never zero. 

There’s no data and research to fall back on, but the happy endings that we hear about situationships mostly revolve around the couples where the confusion and lack of clarity or commitment was more accidental than intentional. The two people who are living busy lives and can’t communicate openly enough can misunderstand each other. And once they sit down and clear the air – there’s a 50/50 chance of them breaking up or becoming a couple. 

So, to answer the main question – yes, you can turn a situationship into a relationship, but don’t get your hopes too high.  

How to end a situationship

If you’ve come to the conclusion that everything that’s going on in your situationship is the definition of a red flag, and it needs to stop, we’re here to tell you how to end and get over your situationship with minimal damage.

• Look back at your situationship. What was cute and nice, what sucked, how did you feel about all that, and how it aligned with your goals and values. This little psychology exercise will help you move on with more grace and less heartache. Plus, you’ll know what to seek and what to avoid moving forward. 
• Have an honest conversation with the other person. Fight the urge to get out of the situationship by ghosting, it’s not cool or fair. Share why you don’t want to go on like this, and try to do it respectfully and in a private setting. Also, don’t do it via the dating chat in the app or via a messenger. Meet them in person for this conversation. 
• Give the person a chance to say what they want. Don’t cut them off if they choose to share their feelings or ask questions. You might not agree in the moment, but it’ll help you process the entire situation better. 
• Set boundaries. To become a successful situationship survivor, you need boundaries. Otherwise, you might find yourself back in their arms, texting them and asking them to come over, and the vicious cycle continues. 
• Summon your support group. Avoid staying alone when your situationship ends. Spend time with friends and family, try to leave the house more often, and try new things to get your mind off of the unfortunate relationship. 

As time passes, start dating again, or at least sign up on dating apps and dating sites to see what’s out there. Don’t rush to get yourself out there, but don’t keep yourself locked up for too long either. You might have a little anxiety about falling in love with the wrong person again, but don’t let your semi-ex ruin your chances of finding someone perfect for you.