Why Silent Treatment Is a Horrible Idea
Whether you’re on the giving or the receiving end of silent treatments, it’s important to understand that it’s not a healthy practice, and it has no place on your mindful dating bingo card.
What is silent treatment?
Silent treatment is when you withhold communication. It’s not exclusive to romantic relationships, and can also happen with family members, friends, and even in the work setting. While some argue that silent treatment is a coping mechanism, it is widely accepted as intentional manipulation.
Silent treatment is very powerful because humans feel threatened by silence on an instinct level. Back in the day, rejection could lead to starvation and death, so we are naturally wired to freak out when someone refuses to engage with us. If you’ve ever experienced silent treatment by someone, you can probably vouch how unfortunate it feels.
Signs your partner is giving you silent treatment
You’ll probably guess when someone is giving you the silent treatment, but here are the main signs that are associated with this act:
- You’re being ignored by your partner and there’s no doubt about them doing it intentionally. They don’t talk first, and don’t respond if you do.
- Since they’re not talking, you have no idea about their plans or whereabouts.
- They can go on for days and weeks without talking to you.
- They act as if nothing is wrong, and it’s business as usual for them to stay silent.
- They’ll talk to anyone just fine, except you. Even when you’re right there too, for example, if you’re sharing an apartment with someone.
- You feel punished and even bullied.
- Your self-esteem and confidence drop as a response to the silence.
Effects of the silent treatment
If you’re on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you most likely feel terrible. Not only is it hard when your partner won’t talk to you, so you can’t resolve the conflict (if there is one), but you start to doubt yourself too.
Silent treatment is often called out as emotional abuse these days, and there’s a lot of truth to that. Most of the time, people do it to make the other person feel bad and/or to make them do what they want. This tactic can seriously mess up one’s mental state, and make them doubt their own judgment and sanity.
Side note: As someone who’s been on both ends of the silent treatment, we at the Once team know that it’s not always done maliciously. For example, if you are stuck in a conflict and the partner is either willingly ignorant or engages in weaponized incompetence, at some point, you feel like nothing will help, not words or action, and you’ll keep fighting about it forever. That’s when you feel so much despair that you shut down as a last resort. It’s either that or breaking up.
Having said all that, for the most part, the silent treatment is abusive and something a narcissist loves to do. Whenever something isn’t going their way, or the person is asking them to respect their boundaries, they pull out the silence card and pressure the person until they cave and give in. This is the definition of abuse.
Ghosting vs silent treatment
Ghosting is a type of behavior and a state of mind.
Silent treatment is something you do to your partner in the midst of a fight or just as a manipulation when you want them to do something (very toxic, please do not try at home).
Ghosting is when you’re staying silent too, but you’re erasing yourself from the partner’s life completely. Ghosting happens when someone is no longer willing to continue the romance, so they stop replying to messages in the dating chat, don’t pick up their phone, and stay silent on social media. It is essentially a way to break up with someone without having to face them.
Ghosting isn’t cute, but it’s not always malicious, although it’s definitely hurtful. A ghoster can do it because they’re too anxious to have “the talk”, and they’d rather disappear completely than have to engage with their soon-to-be ex-partner.
Stonewalling vs silent treatment
Stonewalling and silent treatment are two behavioral strategies that seem very similar but differ in a critical aspect. With either of them, you refrain from all communication with your partner as a response to something they say or do, or lack of action on their end. As the partner attempts to start a dialogue or resume regular communication, you ignore them and don’t engage.
The core difference between stonewalling and silent treatment is the intent. Someone who’s exercising silent treatment does it to make their lover suffer. They’re trying to punish them for whatever they feel deserves this treatment. Stonewalling, in turn, is something you do almost subconsciously. The person is genuinely hurt, and they do this automatically, without planning or thinking it through. That’s something they learned to do and it’s the only response mechanism they know.
No-contact vs silent treatment
Silent treatment is temporary, and no-contact is a long-term to permanent strategy. No-contact is something most people do after they break up with someone, as a part of their healing from the relationship journey. Silent treatment can result in an eventual breakup, but 99.9% of the time it’s a short period after which the couple makes up and continues dating as usual.
Love bombing then silent treatment
Love bombing is another toxic relationship tactic. Seriously, how many of them are out there?
With love bombing, a partner alternates between slamming you with gifts and affection, and pretending you do not exist. For example, one week your husband or wife can make extravagant gifts, take you on romantic dates, and proclaim their love with the most poetic words. Then next week, they’re not engaging in conversations, stay distant, and are unwilling to do things with you. If you’re dating online, love bombing may look like them leaving you on read all the time.
As you see, it is quite different from the silent treatment. It is arguably worse because with silent treatment there’s still hope the actions are not malicious. Love bombing doesn’t leave any room for doubt.
How long does the silent treatment last?
Silent treatment won’t go away on its own. Realistically, there is very little chance of the person changing their ways unless confronted and required to do so. Whether the silent treatment is a manipulative tactic or an internal defense mechanism, it’s rarely a one-off thing. This means that if you’re together for eight years, they can give you silent treatment for the entirety of that period. Your patience is the ultimate deadline here.
How to win the silent treatment
If you’re looking for ways to break the silent treatment, we got you.
Here is how to deal with this type of abuse:
- Confront them. This is the ultimate first step you want to take. If your partner or a spouse is ignoring you, or worse, gaslighting you pretending there is nothing wrong happening, you need to give them a reality check. The way they handle this talk will determine your next steps.
- Set boundaries. Boundaries are an absolute must. Nobody should be punished with silent treatment, and it’s important that both of you agree on that and do your best to not resort to it in the future.
- Slow dating. If your partner is weird like that, maybe taking things slowly will help you both put things into perspective and give you enough space to live and think through this relationship. The last thing you need is to fall for someone who is manipulative. It’s best to slow down before you work this issue out.
- Reach out to a therapist. See them on your own or come in with a partner, depending on your situation, but definitely try talking to a professional if you struggle to deal with silent treatment on your own. And even if you feel like you’re doing fine, talking to a specialist can open up a new perspective for you that will either expedite the process or make it less traumatic.
- Break up. It’s a bit tough to suggest breaking up with someone but hear us out. If your partner is vicious and you see no remorse, change, or even admission of wrongdoing, then you need to decide whether or not you’re willing to be with a person like that. Silent treatment is not the absolute worst that can happen in a romance, but it can be a stepping stone to something worse.
Does silent treatment work in a relationship?
Continuous and intentional silent treatment doesn’t work in the long term, and it never works if your key goal is a healthy relationship. In the short term, you might make your partner agree with you and do what you want, so there will be an illusion of a happy couple. However, the person who gets the silent treatment will eventually crack, and they will be affected by this passive-aggressive way of communication.
Silent treatment isn’t healthy, no matter how you spin it. You won’t keep your perfect match close to you with it, and you both will hurt as a result. The person who is being abusive or gaslighting is experiencing the negative consequences of their actions as well, just in a different way. The more you engage in destructive patterns, even if they’re directed towards someone else, the more you’re messing yourself up as well. That’s why if there is a silent treatment issue in your romance, no matter who is causing it, you both would benefit greatly from talking to a licensed therapist and revisioning the terms of your romantic relationship.
