Is Sexual Compatibility a Deal Breaker?

Romantic relationships are multifaceted and whether or not you build a forever union depends on many things, including sexual compatibility.

What does sexual compatibility mean?

Before we dive deep into the topic, what is sexual compatibility? To put it simply, it’s when two partners are on the same page with their sexual needs. They share preferences and desired frequency of sexual acts, so there is no awkwardness around the topic, and it’s not a reason for fights. 

Why is sexual compatibility important for couples?

Sex is an important element of a romantic relationship, and physical intimacy is heavily interlinked with emotions. Being on the same page sexually contributes to lovers’ connection and satisfaction with the relationship. Also, sexual intimacy is one element of human interaction that you can’t replicate with friends or family. Thus, it creates this unique experience that the two people share and nobody else is involved in, helping deepen the connection. 

How to know you're sexually compatible?

We have a few ideas and points to share with you on how to know if you’re sexually compatible with your lover or not, but please take them with a grain of salt. Sexuality is unique to every human being, so it’s perfectly normal if you don’t fully align with what we have described below. 

So, here are some common signs of sexual compatibility:

• Your definition of sex is similar
• You share sexual fantasies 
• You like similar types of sex (positions, intensity, locations) 
• You often want sex at the same time 
• If any of you suggests something new, the other person is open-minded about it 

Signs you are not sexually compatible

We’ve talked about the factors that demonstrate your sexual compatibility with your partner, but what about the opposite signs? 

You might be incompatible with someone if: 

1. Sex is a problematic topic in your relationship. 
2. You often want sex at different times, for example, you want it in the morning, but the partner is only ever aroused at night.
3. Your libidos are on different levels too – one of you is notably more sexual than the other. 
4. Your emotional connection is weak, there is a lot of frustration and resentment between the two of you. 
5. You or the partner are not interested in sexual activities. 
6. One or both of you feel unfulfilled and unwanted sexually. 
7. You rarely reach orgasm at the same time or during a single intercourse. 

Can you work on your sexual compatibility?

Absolutely yes, you can. Some people are naturally more sexually compatible than others, but it doesn’t mean you can’t improve your personal situation if you really want to. 

With such a touchy subject, communication is your biggest friend:

1. Have deep talks with your partner, and learn more about them in terms of sex and in general. Attraction and sexuality are heavily influenced by how we treat each other in a relationship. Foreplay is not something that starts once you get to flirting, kissing, and undressing each other. It starts in the morning when you wake up, and includes how you treat your lover. A strong emotional bond will be as arousing and hot as the touching.
2. You need to start talking about sex. Sex is a taboo subject for many, whether out of modesty or due to religious and cultural influences. As a result, we have millions of adults who can’t handle a talk about their sexual desires, wishes, and also boundaries. The more free and open you feel with each other when discussing sex, the more likely you are to have better sex and become more compatible in the bedroom. 

If you’re not sure how to approach a sex talk, here are some questions to get you started:

• How often do you like to have sex?
• What is a no-no for you in bed?
• Is there something you’d like to try that we haven’t done yet?
• When do you feel most sexy? 
• What’s the best way to initiate sex in your opinion?
• Where do you enjoy having sex the most?  

Also, don’t forget to do solo work. 

There’s only so much you can do for your sex life if you don’t get down to what turns you on and off. Unless you’re Carrie Bradshaw, you probably don’t dissect your sex life a lot. Probably ever. So what you can do is actually sit down and think how you would answer all those questions above. It is also very helpful to talk to a therapist if you feel like you have some blocks or confusion around the topic. Do it even if you’re really shy. Professionals don’t judge you, and they’ll be able to speed up and improve the quality of the self-awareness and self-acceptance journey that you’re on. 

Also, you’ll probably need to shift your mindset on sex, at least a little bit. Here’s what you can do to boost your sexual compatibility:

1. Learn to compromise. There’s a fine line between compromising and agreeing to something you really don’t want to do for fear of losing the partner. This can be a tricky balance, but an important one. Think of little things that your partner likes or suggests and you don’t do. For example, your lover may want to have longer foreplay where you guys are kissing and touching each other without getting undressed. That can be a fairly easy compromise for you to make if you usually jump right to business. 
2. Try out new things. Have sex in the kitchen instead of the bedroom, try having it before dinner, or change up your tried and tested positions. Also, foster an environment where you both are ready to share new ideas and where they’re not ridiculed or immediately brushed off. You don’t have to agree to everything, but the way you disagree matters. 
3. Know your limits. Here we go back to building boundaries. Intimacy should never feel like a chore or something you don’t wholeheartedly enjoy. Talk to each other to find out what you guys are willing and not willing to do in the bedroom. Also, go through the frequency of sex. For example, one of you is ready all day every day, whereas the second partner is fine with one or two sexy sessions per week. Those things need to be brought up.  

Can you guess sexual compatibility before you have sex?

If you’re dating online and looking for a perfect match across all boards, you’re probably wondering if it’s possible to know how good the two of you will be in bed before jumping there. Yet, if you only have a dating chat and a date or two to base your judgment on, and prefer slow dating where you postpone having sex for some time – this can get tricky. 

Some people take to astrology and horoscopes to make their predictions. We’ve asked around at the Once office, and it’s about a 50/50 between those who think you can predict compatibility based on astrological signs, and those who are skeptical. So it’s your call whether to consider that or not. 

Another way of telling whether you’ll be great lovers in bed, as well as in the relationship in general, is by trying to evaluate your interactions somewhat objectively. It’s hard when you just meet someone and you get all those emotions, but you can do it, trust us! Mindful dating is a powerful thing, and if you pay attention to how they talk, what they say, how they react to your thoughts and ideas, whether they keep their word, if and why they lose their temper, how flirty they are, how touchy (if you’re dating in real life already) – all those details will be able to tell you what to expect. 

Is sexual incompatibility a deal breaker?

Sexual incompatibility is not the end of the world. There are numerous reports online about Millenials and Gen Z having less and less sex, so it looks like there’s a cultural shift about sexuality as a whole going on right now. More adults realize that sex is not their number one priority, and it can, in fact, not even be in the top 3. 

Some people cherish sex more than others, but if partners are kindred spirits or soul mates, they can work it out and continue their relationship. Only you and your partner decide if incompatibility in the bedroom means the end of your romance. So don’t treat sexual incompatibility as the final verdict.  

Sexual compatibility evolves over time, and sex in a relationship is fluid, so the way you do it today will be very different from doing it in a few years.