How Important Is Sex in a Relationship? An In-depth Overview of Couple’s Sex 

When the relationship just starts, there are usually a lot of spicy activities going on. Couples are actively flirting and sexting in dating chats and hooking up on real-life dates. Then, as the tornado of passion stabilizes, and you move into a more slow dating phase, the amount of sex you’re having tends to go down. 

It’s only natural that you’re not as sexually driven after a long time together as you were when you just met. But what if the sex vanishes into thin air completely? Let’s talk about it. 

Why is sex important in a relationship? 

Whether you’re very active sexually or don’t consider it your top priority, having sex with your partner is important. 

• It brings you closer together, and we’re not talking about being physically close.
• Sex can bring a lot of pleasure and it’s a great way to feel good and to extend this feeling to your lover. 
• Having fun in the bedroom helps decompress and relax after a hard day or week. 
• Sex is an outlet for showing affection to your partner. 
• Lastly, if you two are thinking about having kids and not looking into surrogacy, then sex is paramount in making your dreams come true. 

Benefits of having sex in a relationship 

Sex is great, everyone knows that. But what are the other benefits to having sex in a relationship, besides orgasms? 

• Stronger sense of intimacy. Having fun naked under the sheets brings partners together quite like nothing else. Sex doesn’t replace honest conversations and compatibility, but it adds something unique to your union, that nothing else can substitute. 
• Sex makes you happy. Literally. When you’re having sex, certain hormones are released into your body, and the chemical reaction results in your feeling better and happier. The coolest thing is, that this applies even if you don’t orgasm!
• Stress levels go down. Yes, not only do you feel happier, but you’re also less stressed. Thank your hormones for that too. 
• Your self-esteem gets a boost. Relationship sex makes you more assured in yourself. Something about the other person choosing us to be their partner and being intimate with us helps us get this confirmation that we’re good enough which positively affects our self-esteem. 
• It makes you physically healthier. That’s right, not only does sex take care of your mental health, but it boosts your physical health too. Regular sex with your partner translates into better heart health and a stronger immune system, it reduces many pains that we have, such as back pain or headaches, and it makes us more fit and toned up. 
• You sleep like a baby. Okay, maybe not as carefree as a newborn, but the overall sleep quality goes up. One of the hormones that are released with sex (prolactin) supports healthy and deep sleep that leaves you more refreshed in the morning. 
• You become smarter. Another positive side effect of sex is that it makes your memory better. There have been a number of studies that found a direct correlation between having more sex by humans and them performing better with brain tests. So there you go! Sex up your way straight to Harvard!  

Also, married couples who continue to have regular sex in long-term relationships tend to divorce less. To be fair, we’re not sure what’s the chicken and what’s an egg here. Maybe they divorce less because sex makes them happier with each other’s company. Or maybe they have more sex because they’re more compatible, and that’s also why they won’t divorce when others would. In any case, there’s a correlation there. 

The impact of lack of sex in a relationship

Not having sex at all is not as weird as you may think. If you are dating online and have never seen the person, then, obviously, physical contact is out of the question. Also, some couples choose to wait until marriage and asexual people don’t want to have sex at all. 

Still, there are possible downsides and risks associated with the lack of sex, and it’s important that you know about them. 

• Lack of sex can be the first symptom of other issues in the relationship. 
• Sexually frustrated partners can start instigating fights and conflicts out of nowhere.
• The emotional bond can become weaker with time, especially if couples don’t work on being emotionally intimate. Regular sex can compensate for that at least partially, but once sex is out of the picture, everything else starts to fall apart too. 
• Incompatibility of sexual habits (such as, when one partner is cool with having no sex, but the other wants it) can lead to separation. 
• Communication barrier is often a bonus issue when partners have no sex and struggle to bring it up. 
• Impact on self-esteem. Your partner not having sex with you can lead to insecurities and blaming yourself for being “not attractive enough”. 
• Infidelity. If partners don’t have sex with each other, they can resort to having it with someone on the side. Infidelity is not a final verdict for the relationship, but it’s a crisis not everyone can survive. 

Are there any risks of having more sex in a relationship? 

At first glance, you’d think that having more sex as a couple doesn’t carry any risks. Surprisingly, even for some of the Once team’s members, there are potential threats to having more sexy time together. 

First of all, not all partners are equally sexually active. Seeing that their lover wants more sex, they might comply, even if that’s not exactly what they want to do all the time. If that happens, then you have a separate issue on your hands because, obviously, any mindful dating should be accompanied by emotional intimacy that permits couples to be open and honest with each other, especially about such touchy subjects. If you are planning to start having significantly more sex with your partner, check in with them, have an open conversation, and make sure you two are on the same page and fully consent to the plan. 

The second not-so-obvious issue with having more sex is that it can sort of reduce your relationship to sexual intercourse. Again, this, ideally, would not happen in a balanced relationship situation, but life is life. Watch out for the signs, such as you two jumping into bed instead of dealing with conflicts. If that starts to happen more often, you need to have a serious conversation about the direction your relationship is taking and your goals as a couple. 

Lastly, and don’t laugh, but having more sex can affect your health. Obviously, the risks of STIs are minimal if you are exclusive, but things like cystitis can still happen, especially if you’re not vigorous with hygiene. For men, some studies have proven that more sex can lead to higher risks of heart attacks, but typically for individuals who don’t do any sports, and sex is their only exercise. This is not to say that you shouldn’t have more sex. You absolutely should if you both want to, just be a bit more cautious and careful. 

How to know if you have enough sex in your relationship 

Some say that the average number of intercourses for adults is once a week. It’s not something you should strive to achieve though, if your relationship dynamic is different, and you and your perfect match are both happy with 1-2 times a month. 

Obviously, the amount of sex you’re having may be insufficient if you or your partner often express frustration about it, or if you start being more irritated with each other about the most random things. If that starts happening, sex is obviously not the only possible reason, but it’s one of the top suspects. If you notice any of those tendencies, or if you simply would love to have more sex with your partner – that’s your sign there’s not enough sex in your romance. 

Tips to having better sex in a relationship

Firstly, if you don’t already, start talking about sex. There’s nothing shameful or weird in discussing what you like, how you like it, and how often. In fact, being open about your sexual life with each other will most likely make the sex better, as long as you don’t turn such conversations into fights. 

Also, it’s important to understand that sexual foreplay doesn’t start when you kiss each other or undress. It starts in the morning when you wake up and consists of all your interactions during the day. Watch how you talk to each other, if you dedicate the time to be alone and talk, cuddle, or share a laugh. All those things create a mood and help you be sexually attracted to each other. 

You’d hardly be immediately turned on by your boyfriend or girlfriend who’s been mistreating you all day, and then decides to have sex with you in the evening. You need to not have the mental negativity about your lover to want to be intimate with them.

Sex is so much more than the physical rubbing of bodies against each other. It’s an emotional and spiritual connection too. Work on those aspects of your romance, and you’ll start having more sex, and it will also be better. 

Can couples survive without sex?

Sex isn’t a necessity, like food or shelter, so yes, couples and individuals absolutely can survive without sex. However, the quality of the relationship can go down if only one of the partners is abstaining from sex and the other one would gladly have more of it. Also, even if both partners theoretically don’t mind going sexless, they can start to slowly drift apart. 

In terms of how long is too long without sex, there’s no formula, we’re afraid. The best thing to do here is to listen to yourself and the words or cues from your partners. The lack of sex can be fine for a month or two for some, others can go even longer. Then, there are individuals who treasure sexual relationships, and even a couple of weeks can be a struggle for them. 

If you’re currently in a relationship but don’t have sex with your partner, step back and think if it’s really a concern for you, or if you’re trying to fit in with societal norms. Some couples have less sex in different stages of the relationship, perhaps this is what you’re living through right now. If you’re worried about not having sex and how it affects your relationship, have an honest conversation with your partner. There’s really nothing better you can do at this point. Well, maybe besides preparing a romantic dinner and seducing them. In any case, the choice of the tactic is yours. Good luck!