7 Secrets to Setting Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

It turns out the topic of setting boundaries in relationships provokes heated debate among our Once community. But whether you love boundaries or loathe them, they certainly seem important.

What Are Relationship Boundaries and How Do They Affect Us?

Boundaries? We’ve all got them, right? Whether it’s the unspoken agreement against flatmates stealing your almond milk, the golden rule of ‘Do Not Disturb’ after 9 pm, or a no sharing policy on your Netflix password, personal boundaries are everywhere. They’re like a secret social currency shaping our daily interactions and making the world go round, controlling the ebb and flow of our friendships, family life and relationships. They’re like the rules of engagement for dating and hanging out with your crush or even your BFF.

These boundaries take on an even more important role when we start dating. Boundaries in relationships are all about drawing those lines in the sand to define what’s cool and what’s not cool when it comes to how others treat you. And trust us, having healthy relationship boundaries is key to keeping your dating life drama-free and full of respect without any toxic behavior.

Boundaries determine the success and failure of finding your best matches and starting a new relationship. They influence whether a connection fizzles out or sparks bright. Everything is at stake in this negotiation – what we seek, what’s off-limits, our time available, goals in life, what we desire most, and the right kind of vibes. We are all defined by the boundaries we have. In other words, it boils down to answering the common question ‘What are you looking for here?’.

Negotiating your boundaries can take on many forms. The negotiations can be silent and subtle, done in an almost magical way, or loud and brash and obvious. Everyone is different so that’s ok. And once a couple strikes it lucky, these boundaries can get even more serious moving forward into a new relationship.

And it looks like the subject of how to set relationship boundaries opened a real can of worms with you all, didn’t it? The Once community had plenty to say on this thorny issue and we got an emotional response with plenty of humor, surprise, anguish and love. We loved hearing great examples, plenty of problems and lots of questions from you all.

That’s why we wanted to share this list of 7 secrets to setting boundaries in a relationship. But before we jump in, it’s important to remind ourselves about the goal of setting relationship boundaries. It’s all about helping to find your perfect match. That’s always our aim on Once so we hope you’ll enjoy this little talk.

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Face-Off: Healthy vs Unhealthy Boundaries

Boundaries can feel a bit daunting especially when you’re head over heels about someone. But here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t about being difficult or uptight. They are aimed at being helpful without being controlling. They’re about showing yourself some major self-love and making sure you’re treated with the respect you deserve. And guess what? When you set boundaries, you’re actually setting the stage for a stronger and more fulfilling connection with your partner. Win-win!

Well, almost win-win! Because this is where the tricky bit comes in. There are those boundaries that can be healthy and those that are regarded as unhealthy. So how to spot the difference? That’s got to be the key, hasn’t it? The devil is in the details.

Healthy Boundaries: Respect, Not Control

1. Room to breathe: It’s important to give each other the right amount of space. It’s like when your partner hangs out with a college ‘friend’ of the opposite sex – you’re cool with it because you trust them, but you also know when it’s time to speak up if things start feeling weird. And hey, they respect your space too, because they know you need to recharge at your astral solo dance parties.
2. Telling it like it is: Healthy boundaries thrive on honesty and openness. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, whether it’s about your feelings, your needs, or that questionable tattoo your new partner got while in their previous relationship. Be like a pair of truth-tellers, saying what really matters in life without getting your wires crossed.
3. Bigging each other: Instead of trying to control each other, healthy boundaries focus on lifting each other up. You support your partner’s dreams and goals, even if it means spending a Saturday night apart while they chase their passions. You’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders, celebrating victories and failures together because that’s what real love is all about.
4. R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Honoring each other’s values and beliefs is a massive issue. You may have different opinions on certain topics, but you listen to each other without judgment. For example, you may come from different religious backgrounds, but you respect each other’s views and find ways to celebrate both traditions.
5. Freedom of thought: Individuality is the essence of any relationship. You both have your own hobbies, interests, and social circles, and you encourage each other to pursue them. You understand that being in a relationship doesn’t mean losing your identity but rather enhancing it with the support of your partner.
6. No need to argue: Addressing conflicts calmly and respectfully is a must. You communicate your concerns without resorting to blame or manipulation. Instead, you work together to find solutions that benefit both of you and strengthen your bond.

Unhealthy Boundaries: Red Flag Alerts

1. Too much dissing: It’s a bad sign when someone disrespects your feelings or personal space. Like when your ex keeps texting you late at night, even though you’ve made it clear you need space. Not cool, ex, not cool! And if your partner constantly dismisses your opinions or makes you feel small, it’s time to wave goodbye and find someone who values you for who you are.
2. Pushy too much: This is when someone ignores your limits and tries to control your actions. Maybe your partner insists on going through your phone or dictating who you can hang out with. Uh-uh, not okay! Your phone is your fortress of privacy, and your friends are your ride-or-dies – no one gets to mess with that.
3. Gaslighting galore: Gaslighting is a major sign of unhealthy boundaries. It’s when someone tries to manipulate you into questioning your own feelings or reality. Like when a new match tries to convince you that you’re overreacting for wanting to set boundaries. Nope, trust your gut! Your feelings are valid, and anyone who tries to make you doubt yourself ain’t worth your time.
4. Oh, the suffocation: It’s way too much when one partner invades the other’s personal space or disregards their need for alone time. Like, they may insist on spending every waking moment together or become upset when you want time alone or with friends.<
5. Nasty manipulators: Unhealthy boundaries often include emotional manipulation tactics, such as guilt-tripping or using affection as a tool for control. Your partner may use phrases like “If you loved me, you would...” or threaten to withhold affection if you don’t comply with their wishes.
6. No means no: Klaxons should sound loudly in your head if someone ignores or disregards consent, whether it’s in everyday interactions but especially intimate situations. This behavior can start small and build up so watch out. Your partner may pressure you into activities you’re not comfortable with or dismiss your boundaries when it comes to physical affection.

7 Secrets Shared: Examples of Healthy Boundaries

Right, it’s what you’ve been waiting for. Those who ask “what are boundaries?” can now hear advice from other Once users. It’s time to get real and dive into your juicy examples of healthy boundaries in action. We’ve rounded up some insightful comments from real people in the Once community who are totally rocking the boundary-setting game. Let’s hear what you have to say!

“It’s about u too” – Sarah from Los Angeles, CA

“I personally think that setting boundaries ain’t just about ur relationship. It’s about u too. I’ve been single for way to long and I’ve learned to prioritize self-care so I make sure I avoid situations I’m not comfy with. And I always have plenty of me time and focus on my mental health. I want to meet someone who cares about these things much as me.”

“Caring matters most” – Alex from London, UK

“What I think to boundaries isn’t simple. You don’t always know how someone is feeling online. So I think it’s good to be caring and ask stuff before you set any limits or boundaries. I try to ask how they are and communicate how I’m feeling so there’s a connection. I’m looking for someone who puts feelings before boundaries. Cheers, Alex”

“Rules after a breakup” – Mia from Chicago, IL

“This is what I think because you ask. I recently ended a relationship and found out that even after a breakup, boundaries can help you move forward in a healthy way. I had to establish boundaries around communication and social media to give myself space to heal. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary for me to move on and find closure.”

“My ex was obsessed with money” – Jake from New York City, NY

“Well, u know money is a real touchy subject specially in relationships. I had a lot in common with my ex but she was a control freak obsessed about money. Like literally it was like you felt the need to keep reciepts and stuff. It got way too much. I’m looking for someone who respects my financial independence while also finding a balance that works for both of us.”

“I put limits on tech” – Maya from Toronto, Canada

"Maybe it’s only like a small boundary but tech is an issue even when you’re single. I make it a point to put my phone away during dinner and quality time with friends or potential partners. And when I chat online I try not to do it for too long. It’s good to mention it to who you’re chatting with. To show you have a life outside dating apps.”

“Time is a biggie for me” – Rachel from Miami, FL

“Time is a big thing for me. Online dating can be time consuming as finding the best match can take a while. I like Once because it gives me good matches and doesn’t waste to much time. But a lot of guys want to eat up my time even though we might not be good for each other. I suppose I’m quite strict with boundaries like that.”

“You shouldn’t worry about setting boundaries” – Alex from Vancouver, Canada

“What I think is you shouldn’t beat yourself up too much about saying what you want. Setting boundaries is important. But it’s about how you say it. You need to be clear and not mess someone round. I say what my boundaries are early on if things look promising.”

Discover Types of Boundaries in Relationships

How many kinds of relationship boundaries can you think of? No cheating because we might test you at the end of this article! Whether it’s emotional, physical, financial, or social, setting boundaries is essential for creating a healthy and successful relationship. So, grab your boundary-setting checklist and get ready to shape the relationship of your dreams.

Now we’ll give you the definition of the most popular boundaries.

1. Emotional Boundaries: Protecting Your Feels

Safeguarding your feelings and maintaining your emotional well-being is the first rule. Everyone wants to avoid getting hurt so put your mental health first in a relationship. It’s essential to express your needs, set limits on how much emotional baggage you’re willing to carry. You should also know when to take a step back for some self-care.

2. Physical Boundaries: Hands Off!

Everyone needs to define their comfort level with physical touch and intimacy. Whether it’s holding hands, kissing, or getting intimate, it’s important to communicate your boundaries early on and respect your partner’s limits. Maybe a handshake is better than a hug to start with, or perhaps eye contact is difficult for your partner.

3. Sexual Boundaries:

Setting clear sexual boundaries is crucial for a healthy relationship. Respect your partner’s comfort levels and communicate openly about desires and limits. Consent is non-negotiable; always prioritize it. If you’re unsure, just ask. Remember, just because you’re in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean your body is fair game 24/7. There is no room at all for violations of this rule. Consent is key!

4. Social Boundaries: BFFs, Frenemies, and Foes

Social boundaries involve how you interact with each other’s friends, family, and social circles. It’s like having a guest list for your relationship – not everyone gets a VIP pass. Whether it’s setting boundaries with toxic friends, respecting each other’s alone time with family, or agreeing on how often to hang out with mutual friends, social boundaries can prevent mix-ups.

5. Time Boundaries: Quality Time vs Me Time

Time is precious, so it’s important to create boundaries around how you spend it together and apart. Whether it’s scheduling regular date nights online, giving out time for self-care, or respecting each other’s need for alone time, these time boundaries ensure you both feel valued and prioritized in the relationship. Because let’s face it – Netflix and chill is great, but a lack of time is more important.

6. Intellectual Boundaries: A Smarter Approach

Intellectual boundaries involve respecting each other’s opinions, beliefs, and intellectual pursuits. It’s so good being able to explore ideas and have stimulating conversations without fear of judgment or ridicule. Whether you’re debating the meaning of life or geeking out over your favorite TV show, intellectual boundaries ensure that you both feel respected and heard in the relationship.

7. Digital Boundaries: Swipe Left on Snooping

Establishing boundaries around technology and social media is a conversation you need to be having. Whether it’s respecting each other’s privacy online, setting boundaries around sharing passwords, or agreeing on how much time to spend on your devices, digital boundaries can prevent misunderstandings. And let’s face it – snooping through your partner’s phone is never good.

How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship

If you’ve made it this far into the article then well done. It’s gonna help your long-term relationship goals. Setting boundaries might sound like a buzzkill, but trust us – it’s the secret sauce to a healthy and fulfilling relationship. So, let’s dive into a quick fire round of top 5 advice.

1. Self-Reflection: Understand yourself before setting boundaries! That means reflecting on your values, needs, and deal-breakers. 2.
2. No Guessing Games: When it comes to setting boundaries, vague ain’t gonna cut it. Be specific about what you’re happy with and what’s off-limits. 3.
3. Be Kind: Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being rude or bossy. Show kindness and empathy, and be open to hearing your partner’s perspective too. 4.
4. Stick to Your Guns: Once you’ve set your boundaries, don’t budge an inch. Don’t waver or bend the rules just to avoid conflict. Consistency is key. 5.
5. Keep Checking In: Relationships evolve, and so do your boundaries. Make it a habit to check in with each other regularly and talk things over.

How to Respond to Someone’s Boundaries

So maybe you can dish it out – but can you take it? The true sign of an open-minded person is if they can take on board the boundaries of others. Setting boundaries is also about respecting and responding to your partner’s boundaries like the rockstar partner you are.

Let’s take a look at how you should do it based on our 5 golden rules:

1. Listen Up, Buttercup: When your partner lays down the boundary law, the first step is to listen up. Let them express themselves and feel heard. Pay close attention to what they’re saying. 2.
2. Validate, Validate, Validate: Once your partner has opened up about their boundaries, it’s time to validate their feelings. Be supportive and show interest. A little empathy goes a long way! 3.
3. Ask Questions (Nicely, Please): Don’t be afraid to ask for more info – but do it nicely! Approach the conversation with curiosity and an open mind. Remember, you’re in this together! 4.
4. Respect, Respect, Respect: It’s your job to honor and respect their boundaries like a boss. That means no sneaky boundary-crossing or trying to push their buttons – just love and respect. 5.
5. Communicate Your Own Boundaries: Last but not least, don’t forget to communicate your own boundaries too! Setting boundaries is a two-way street, so be sure to respond.

Remember, boundaries are essential for healthy and fulfilling relationships. Showing love and respect to your partner means honoring their boundaries. If you’re ready to meet new people and explore your own boundaries, consider using the slow dating app Once to connect with a great group of singles. You’re only one step away from the kind of boundaries you’ve been dreaming of…

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