What Is a Polyamorous Relationship?

A polyamorous relationship is one of the less conventional, yet very valid formats of dating. Some call it a philosophy where you love multiple people at once, and everyone is okay with such an arrangement.

Consensual non-monogamous relationships are often misunderstood and stigmatized, so today we’re going to explore the nature of the concept, the key polyamorous relationship rules, and what dating someone in a polyamorous relationship feels like.

What Does a Polyamorous Relationship Mean?

Polyamorous arrangement implies having multiple romantic relationships at a time with the full consent of everyone involved.

Sometimes in a polyamorous relationship, there is a primary and a secondary partner, but not always. Primary partners are the people you live and raise families with, they’re the ones you bring back home to parents for holidays and co-sign a mortgage with. Secondary partners are a big part of your life as well, but you’re not actively building a life with them or, for example, sharing finances.

Types of Polyamorous Relationships

There are variations to polyamorous relationships, as they’re not limited to just two partners.

Polycule is a type of consensual non-monogamous relationships where there is essentially a network of people connected romantically. Everyone is dating everyone, and there are multiple primary-secondary relationships formed across the group.
Triad is a petite polyamorous group, also known as a throuple, where the romantic relationship is spread among three people. Sometimes all of them are cross-dating, and in other cases, someone might date two people, but they won’t date each other.
Quad is a four-person situation. Often, but not always, quads form from two polyamorous couples who meet and fall for each other, forming a group. Just like in triad, in quad, everyone can date everyone, or some people may be only dating one or two individuals.
Solo polyamory is when a person dates multiple people but doesn't consider any of them their primary partner and, in fact, doesn’t share any important milestones with them, such as buying a house or getting married.

Polyamory vs. Open Relationships

Both fall under the consensual non-monogamous relationships umbrella, but there are core differences.

Open relationships usually imply that partners can sleep with whomever they want without talking about it with their primary partner. With an open format, people usually don’t grow attached to their secondary relationships and it’s mostly about sex and lust. A polyamorous relationship, in turn, implies that there is room for emotional bonding and love among the people in a polyamorous group.

Polyamory vs. Monogamy – Key Differences

Polyamory and monogamy are very close in their core principles. Both require trust and open communication, emotional connection and physical intimacy, and commitment by all partners.

The core difference is that with polyamory, you can be committed to, and in love and having sex with several people at once. The key is that every person involved has to be fully aware and consenting to this dynamic.

Monogamous relationships are very strict on that front, and both emotional and physical intimacy with someone else would be considered infidelity and can result in a breakup.

Although monogamy is more widespread and socially acceptable, both relationship types have full rights to exist. As long as everyone is aware of the consensual non-monogamous relationships and agrees with their rules, there is no betrayal or hard feelings.

Polyamorous Relationship Rules & Communication

Simply because polyamorous relationships allow multiple intimate relationships doesn’t mean there are no rules and boundaries. Quite the opposite, rules create a healthy and sustainable environment for all participants, ensuring that everyone feels comfortable in the relationship dynamic and isn’t hurt by someone’s words or actions.

Boundaries in a Polyamorous Relationship

Usually, a few core boundaries are enough to make sure everyone is on the same page. The most common ones include:

Privacy – how, when, and with whom your polyamorous relationship can be discussed.
Communication rules, such as outlining principles of open and transparent communication, as opposed to secrecy and conflict avoidance.
Time division and hierarchy between partners, and who gets holidays and weekends.
Things that aren’t okay and should not happen.
Safety practices that everyone follows for mental and physical health.
Ground rules for handling conflicts and issues.

Managing Jealousy & Emotional Challenges

Unlike in open relationships, polyamorous groups are fully aware of who everyone is dating, sleeping with, and falling for. This doesn’t mean that there is no jealousy though.

After all, we’re not robots, and it’s one thing to know and theoretically agree to something and a whole different story to live through something. A healthy polyamorous relationship is not one where people don’t get jealous, but rather a relationship where jealousy is managed and dealt with in a mature and empathetic way.

How to Talk About Polyamory with a Partner

Bringing up different types of open relationships and polyamory has got to be one of the toughest topics with your partner.

If you decide to give it a try and are not sure how your lover feels about it, bring it up in a chill and relaxed way. Don’t give them ultimatums or pressure them into anything, but rather try to have a what-if conversation. Share your thoughts and feelings about this romantic format, and ask if they see themselves ever trying it.

If your partner is absolutely against it, don’t push them, leave this topic, and maybe revisit it in a few months. If they’re open to a discussion, explore the topic further, learn more about a polyamorous relationship, and see if you can find someone with real-life experience to share the pros and cons with you.

Regardless of the direction the conversation takes, make sure you empathize that you respect and trust your partner, and that their comfort is a priority.

Dating in a Polyamorous Relationship

Being a part of a polyamorous relationship can seem like a lot. There are many people involved, everyone has their own feelings, and it can feel tricky to navigate.

At the same time, this can definitely be a beautiful and loving experience, especially if you’re looking for partners on a mindful dating site where people share your dating intentions and take polyamory seriously, and not just as another form of open relationships.

Dating Someone in a Polyamorous Relationship – What to Expect

Relationships are complex when there are only two people involved. The more, the merrier principle only works if romantic groups are emotionally mature and ready to be open, honest, and empathetic.

As you join a polyamorous relationship, expect to have a bit more difficulty with jealousy and insecurities at first. This is true, especially for those who’ve never been in this type of relationship. You’ll struggle if you’re not very open-minded, but with a bit of empathy and trust, you’ll be able to enjoy all the benefits and fulfillment that polyamory has to offer.

How to Find a Polyamorous Relationship

Your best bet is to look for a polyamorous relationship on dating apps, such as Once, that champion equality and open-mindedness. You can also look for niche community groups and forums, or head over to local spots where you know people of all sexualities and preferences like to hang out.

Also, before you jump into polyamory, it makes sense to research the topic a little bit more. See what it entails, read about other people’s experiences, and attend a few poly-friendly events to help you get a feeling of what your future romance may look like.

Common Challenges & Solutions in Polyamorous Relationships

Polyamorous relationships have some unique challenges and issues that you may come across. Most of them can be managed and resolved though, so don’t panic if you think some of them are present in your relationship.

Social stigma. Unfortunately, anything that doesn’t fit the so-called norm is stigmatized and looked down on. Same with polyamorous relationships. The key to solving this issue is in the combination of keeping things to yourself and not sharing too much with outsiders and with gentle educating of your inner circle to help them understand.
Jealousy. Naturally, this challenge comes up a lot, especially if many of the people you’re dating are new to polyamory. To avoid or minimize that, foster open communication and encourage everyone to be more self-aware of their feelings, and speak up anytime something bothers them before it turns into a disaster.
Fair time allocation. It sounds easy in theory, but actually spending enough time with all of your lovers and maintaining the balance can be hard. It may not sound romantic, but picking up a couple of time management skills and managing your schedule more efficiently will help make everyone feel valued and cared for.
Rules and boundaries. If you’re part of a group of people and everyone has romantic feelings, figuring out and then following the rules and boundaries becomes a challenge. Everyone’s comfort levels and preferences are different, and it’s easy to get somewhat lost and accidentally overstep the boundary. Taking the time to discuss such incidents with respect and allowing room for renegotiation will help.
Breakups. Breaking up is always possible in a polyamorous group because feelings change. If that ever happens to you, not sugarcoat it or hide news from the rest. Instead, have a group meeting and talk everything over. Discuss the feelings among the rest of the group and how the change will affect the future of your union.

Answering Common Questions About Polyamory

Can polyamorous relationships be long-term?

A polyamorous relationship and all forms of open relationships can be short and long-term. It all depends on how people feel about each other and whether or not their values and goals align. With polyamory, some people go into it without really understanding what they’re signing up for. In that case, they quickly exit this dynamic and swear to never come back. But if everyone is on the same page and happy with the arrangement, then it can last for a very long time.

Is polyamory just an excuse to cheat?

It can be misused for sure, and someone might twist what polyamory is to get what they want, i.e., cheat and keep their partner. However, the core principle of polyamory is consent and a complete understanding of what’s going on. Partners are fully aware of each other and even cross-date, so it’s not cheating.

Can a polyamorous person date a monogamous person?

If someone prefers monogamous relationships, the only way for a polyamorous person to date them is by switching to monogamy as well. That’s the only ethical way to do it.