Why Do Men Play Mind Games?
If you’re dating actively, you’ll most likely come across people who are playing mind games and messing with your head.
We are all for mindful dating, and today’s guide should help you identify men who play mind games, understand why they do it, and learn how to handle a man who plays games without going insane.
Understanding Why Men Play Mind Games
Let’s start with the main question – why do guys play head games?
There are many reasons why someone might end up playing with your mind, and sometimes it’s a combination of reasons. Also, some guys play games fully understanding what they’re doing, and the negative consequences they’re creating for everyone they’re doing it to. In other cases, it’s a subconscious pattern that they’re not even realizing.
Here are the main reasons why some men choose the game of minds, and not something more appropriate, such as baseball or soccer.
- Ego boost. Some men can’t help but boost their ego or confidence by messing up with other people’s heads. As simple as that. Such reasoning signals that they’re deeply insecure and fear rejection deep down in their hearts.
- Testing your interest. As messed up as it sounds, some people think that if they play games with you, gaslight, and manipulate you, then they’ll be able to tell whether you’re interested or not. And then if you confront them, they’ll pretend that they’re doing it out of love, but don’t fall for it!
- Asserting control. Mind games help the man assert dominance in the relationship. They exhibit controlling and confusing behavior, forcing their victim to constantly walk on eggshells and wonder what the hell is going on.
- Emotional immaturity. If you’re immature, resorting to mind games feels so much easier than an open and honest conversation. If a man struggles with being vulnerable, he can start playing mind games to feel better about himself.
- Social programming. We are all products of our environment. Many men grow up in borderline toxic environments where they are heavily exposed to scenarios that they later repeat in their own adult lives. For example, a man may grow up surrounded by people who are emotionally unavailable, and try to be mysterious and manipulative, and this is considered attractive. Then once this man grows up, he starts replicating the things he saw, possibly without even realizing that he’s doing that.
- You are their challenge. Some men will see a confident, independent woman and choose to chase her as if it’s a contest. Getting this woman’s love and breaking her is their ultimate prize. Naturally, once the end goal is reached, this man loses any interest whatsoever.
Bottom line is, if a man plays mind games, this is connected to his insecurities one way or the other. At the end of the day, he most likely feels unworthy and wants to change that through manipulation. This doesn’t necessarily excuse him, but it definitely gives you a better context which you can then use to handle him.
Signs He's Playing Mind Games
Sometimes it’s very clear that a man is playing mind games. However, if you’re deeply involved with this guy and have feelings for him, or at least the initial infatuation, then figuring them out may be harder.
Here are the key signs that someone is playing mind games with you.
- Sudden changes in behavior. Just as Katy Perry sang in her hit – he’s Hot and he’s Cold, he’s Yes and he’s No. One day he’s all over you, and the next day he’s not even picking up your calls. He’s very warm and understanding, and then he’s suddenly emotionally unavailable and borderline cruel.
- Unclear intentions. For example, they first signal that they’re ready for a serious relationship, and then suddenly you’re very casual and they’re not even planning a few weeks ahead with you.
- Vague communication. Watch out for them not being clear about their plans, whether it’s planning for the upcoming weekend or for the next few months and years.
- Creating jealousy or insecurity. Trying to trigger your jealousy is a sign of mind games. One-off situations should not frighten you too much, but if that becomes a pattern, then he’s definitely messing with you.
- Ghosting and then coming back to you. If someone is ghosting you repeatedly and always comes back pretending like everything is normal, you know it – that’s mind games right there. Run in the opposite direction.
- They’re always the victim. Endless blaming you for this and that is not normal. You can’t always be in the wrong unless you’re a psychopath. So if they always make you feel guilty and you end up questioning yourself, you’re stuck with a mind gamer.
- Withholding affection. Making the victim feel insecure by withholding compliments and any other form of praise is a clear sign of the mind game. This tactic makes the partner feel insecure and pushes them to earn their lover’s affection, making them dependent on their validation.
- Derogatory comments on your looks. Sometimes they’re masqueraded as helpful advice, and other times it is blatant insults. All those backhanded compliments, such as “You would look great if you just lost one or two pounds” or “Why don’t you try this hairstyle instead of what you have right now” are never said with good intentions.
- Ridiculous rules you have to follow. If he’s making up silly and weird rules, this can be a sign of a mind game. For example, he prohibits you from kissing him during sex or holding his hands in public. There is no good reason why you should be following these instructions, and it is blatant control and mind games.
- Treating you badly in public and like a Goddess in private. Men can demonstrate their dominance by being essentially a monster with you when you’re out and about, but then doing 180 when you’re alone at home or in the car.
- Flirting with others in front of you. Unless you’ve explicitly consented to not care if both of you flirt with someone else, his doing that is a sign of mind games. This man is trying to test you and see how far he can push you.
- They want something a woman has. If a woman is in a position of power, possesses rare resources, or has access to anything else the man wants – he can start manipulating her and playing mind games because it’s his nature to be twisted like that, or he believes that he won’t get what he wants if he simply asks.
Is he playing mind games if he exhibits multiple signs that we’ve listed above? Super rare exceptions are possible, but most likely that’s it. If something looks like a duck and swims like a duck..
Common Mind Games Men Play
There are a number of games men play with people’s minds. Let’s look at the most common ones.
- Sending mixed signals
- Playing hot and cold
- Emotional withdrawal
- Silent treatment
- Gaslighting
- Breadcrumbing
- Triggering jealousy
- Love-bombing
- Playing the victim
- Boundaries pushing
- Blame-game
These are the main mind games men play, but you may come across something less common that will be harder to identify. If you suspect that something isn’t right but can’t find proof online or in conversations with your friend, reach out to a therapist. They’re trained to spot these types of behaviors, and they’ll be able to help.
Also, remember that your intuition is a powerful thing. If something feels off, it most probably is.
How to Handle a Man Who Plays Games
Before you start working out a plan on how to deal with a man who plays games, ask yourself: Do I need that in my life?
Ideally, you’d say No and walk away. You’re not this man’s mother or a therapist, and it’s not your job to make them see their wrongs and persuade them to get better.
However, if you really like this guy and want to keep them in your life, here are a number of strategies you can employ.
- Recognize the patterns early. Try to be objective even in the first weeks when infatuation is at its maximum and it’s hard to think straight.
- Set clear boundaries and don’t let him push them. Repeat the rules multiple times if necessary, and implement the punishments that you’re pre-agreed with that will happen if he doesn’t respect the boundaries you’ve set.
- Maintain self-respect and confidence. You are good and you are worthy. And you are definitely deserving of respectful treatment.
- Don’t panic. Their shady actions might result in you panicking, but try to breathe deep, control your reaction, and refrain from chasing them and doubling down on trying to please them.
- Confront him. Call out his behavior and demand him to clarify anything that’s bothering you. Men might try shifting focus to a different topic, but don’t fall for that!
- Seek support. Friends, family, and therapists are your allies. Get multiple opinions on the situation and make sure to genuinely listen to people’s advice. They love you and want the best for you. It can be hard to see that when you’re deep into a relationship and you hear something you don’t want to acknowledge, but it’s important that you try and listen to them.
Do Guys Play Games When They Like You?
In a very weird and twisted way, men can absolutely treat you badly and play mind games when they actually like you. This is a big issue and they need help from a therapist and a strong will to better themselves to be able to overcome it.
However, more often than not a man will play mind games because his interest is not genuine. His affection with you is more about wanting to control and manipulate you, and they won’t stop until you’re 100% submissive.
Bottom line, whether he really likes you or not, if he is playing mind games, he doesn’t deserve you. It can feel exciting at times to be stuck in this drama with explosive emotions and lots of conflicting feelings every day, but it will drain you and leave you less confident and much less happy.
It’s not worth being with someone who is playing mind games, no matter how attractive and good on the paper they are.