People-Pleasing Is Terrible For Your Relationship! Here’s Why
Dating is complex. Building successful short-term hookups and long-term partnerships alike requires both partners to be mentally healthy and mature. One of the things that we at Once have noticed, is that so many people suffer from the burden of people-pleasing that prevents them from creating healthy relationships.
People-pleasing is a sneaky enemy that’s often masqueraded as something good and noble, and it can even be encouraged by our communities and societies. Yet, it can bring a lot of misery, and it needs to be thrown out of everyone’s lives.
What is people-pleasing?
We’ve painted a pretty dark picture, but what does people-pleasing actually mean? Basically, it’s a behavior pattern where a person is chronically putting the needs of others first.
To others, they usually appear as very kind and generous, someone who is ready to help a friend in need and can always empathize with what someone else is feeling. It is true, in a sense, but all those good things are put to the extreme and are achieved at the expense of the people-pleasers mental state.
The people-pleaser is so concerned with the happiness and comfort of others, that they go to any lengths to ensure everyone around them is happy and approves of them.
Signs you are a people pleaser
Being a people-pleaser is not pretty. It can and will have detrimental effects on your well-being if you get stuck in this pattern. That’s why the sooner you identify the signs and start acting, the better. For your own good.
Here are the signs that many people-pleasers exhibit:
- Saying No to someone is not an option for you. You’d rather severely inconvenience yourself than decline a favor.
- If you somehow must say No, it makes you spiral. You think they’ll hate you and never want to see you again, and they’ll think you’re a horrible person.
- Your free time is pretty much non-existent because you’re running around doing things for someone or meeting with people you’re not really interested in seeing but couldn’t decline their offer to catch up.
- You say “Sorry” a lot. Way too much in fact.
- Other people’s opinions are always on the top of your mind. You’re thinking about what your partner might think about this and that, instead of focusing on your own life and goals.
- Being liked and appreciated by others is your ultimate goal, no matter what expense it comes at.
- There are many situations where you agree to do something when you don’t feel like it. In dating, this can be having sex with your partner when you’re really tired, sexting when you feel silly and awkward doing it, seeing that superhero movie that you absolutely hate, or traveling to a destination you couldn’t care less for as your only vacation for the year.
- Your self-esteem and self-acceptance are pretty low. You constantly feel like you’re not good enough, miss this trait or that skill, and are afraid that people will find out how truly “bad” you are.
- You think it’s normal to take the blame even if it’s not your fault. You think it’s easier and the other person will appreciate you doing it for them.
- Your life seems to always be on pause because you barely have any progress with your dreams, hopes, and goals. All because you’re chasing other people’s approvals and validations by giving them favors and being agreeable.
- It’s common for you to agree with someone, even if you disagree deep inside.
Why does people-pleasing exist?
People-pleasing doesn’t just happen randomly. You don’t wake up one day with a sudden urge to make everyone around you happy while neglecting yourself. People-pleasers are not born, they’re created.
Here are some of the most common causes for becoming a people-pleaser.
Insecurities
Insecurity is the root of so many issues! When you’re not self-confident, you spend a lot of time overthinking every encounter, conversation, and action. You think that catering to what others want you to say or do will make them love you, and they’ll actually care about you. Because your self-esteem is low, you need external validation to feel good about yourself. With time, this way of getting approval becomes addictive, forcing people-pleasers to compromise more and more, ignoring their own needs to make someone else happy.
Previous experiences and trauma response
People-pleasing is a response to the situations and relationships we had in the past. If your caretakers or ex-lovers were abusive, manipulative, or simply didn’t appreciate and love you, getting validation from them was probably associated with doing things that are toxic for you, such as all the standard things from the people-pleasing book.
For example, if an ex-boyfriend would start a fight and get abusive when things weren’t going their way, a girlfriend could start going above and beyond to keep him happy, so there would be no shouting and aggression.
It’s very sad, but it’s the reality for so many adults in romantic relationships. That’s why we are strong advocates of mindful dating where both partners know and respect each other’s relationship boundaries, and are not afraid to walk away if the partnership is not serving them.
Perfectionism
There are still people who think perfectionism is good when it really is the root of so many troubles. When out of control, perfectionism takes over the person’s relationship. Everything they do, every date has to be a perfect match, and every message in the dating chat needs to be exquisite, otherwise they’ve failed. It’s very tiring and detrimental to one’s mental health.
The aftermath of people pleasing
We’re not trying to demonize people-pleasing. In fact, some people-pleasing, when it’s gentle and controlled, is not that bad. Caring about what your partner wants and how they feel is good, right? Once people-pleasing becomes your key activity and focus in life, that’s when it turns problematic.
People-pleasing will have different effects on one’s life, but there are common effects that, unfortunately, happen to so many.
- Chronic anxiety. You can’t possibly prioritize everyone else but you for months and years, and not have a negative effect on yourself. Managing everyone’s happiness is too much for anyone to handle, so people-pleasers are often left with extreme anxiety and stress.
- Codependency. People pleasers have a hard time focusing on themselves and being able to make their own decisions without external guidance or input. Their life becomes inseparable from their lover, and if the latter is unhappy with them or decides to break up, the people pleaser can suffer from a meltdown and lose a sense of purpose.
- Resentment. That’s right, you can actually start resenting your partner. That can also be somewhat unfair because the other person might not even realize that you’re doing so much mental gymnastics and trying to cater to them 24/7. Alternatively, you’ll see romances where the partner is just knowingly taking and taking, without giving back. Regardless of the details, you will be resentful if you don’t stop people-pleasing, and it can ruin your love story for good.
- Lack of identity. If you’re always doing what other people want to do and adapting to their ways of thinking, values, etc, you lose yourself at some point. People-pleasers are very vulnerable to losing their identity, and they suffer from not living their lives authentically. As a result, they often feel lost and depressed because they don’t really know who they are.
How to stop people pleasing
Now that we’ve covered all aspects of people-pleasing and realized how bad it is, let’s look at some ways of overcoming this behavioral pattern.
Start with establishing clear boundaries
Set your personal limits and be prepared to communicate them in a delicate but unappealable fashion. For example, you want to be exclusive, and if they continue dating online and hooking up with other people, you guys will break up. The way your lover reacts to your boundaries will be a good indicator of how compatible you are, and what kind of partnership you can expect with them.
Start small
Recovering from anything and changing your habits is not so easy, and it will not be a linear process either. So instead of attempting a grand and sudden change, start with small steps. Say No here, prioritize your plans there, and soon you’ll find yourself making amazing progress.
Say you’ll think about it
When your date asks for a favor or suggests you two do something, don’t say Yes or No right away. Instead, take a pause to think whether or not it fits in with your goals and personal preferences. Giving yourself extra time to decide, however small this period is, will help you make the decision that’s authentic to you.
Set goals and plans
Speaking of aligning what others suggest with your goals, make those goals! You don’t have to be a CEO of a corporation to value your time and create plans for how you want to spend it. It’s much easier to fall into the people-pleasing trap when you have nothing going on for you. So plan the hack out of your time, and you’ll have so many more reasons to put yourself first and devote time to yourself.
Take it slow
Slow dating is not for everyone, but people-pleasers benefit a lot from not rushing things between them and their partner. Taking the time before making important milestones and falling deeper into love will help pathological people pleasers get to know their crush better before they fall in love. This means that if their partner is abusive or likes to take advantage of people pleasers, it will be easier to end the relationship with them. Plus, as people-pleasers have a lot going on in their minds, taking the slow approach will give the couple more time to work out their dating styles, love languages, and everything else to build a strong romantic union.
