Orbiting in Dating: the What’s and the Why’s

What is orbiting in dating?

Let’s say you had a lover and you’ve broken up. If this lover is still following you on social media, liking your posts, and leaving occasional reactions or comments – they’re orbiting you. Just like the Moon revolves around Earth, some exes choose to stay close to their former lovers and can’t help but peek into their new lives. 

Signs of orbiting in dating 

Here are the signs someone’s orbiting you:

• They keep following you and checking your stories even though you’re no longer dating.
• You never talk or chat properly, or meet in real life. 
• They’re inconsistent with interactions – sometimes they react to every story, and then they disappear from the face of the Earth for weeks. 
• There is no clarity or transparency regarding their intentions towards you. 

Why is he/she orbiting me? 

If you’re an independent queen (or king) who doesn’t understand why anyone would want to keep up with their exes, here are some of the reasons people do it: 

• They still have feelings. Sometimes people break up and one of the partners is still in love. They struggle with letting go and keep spying on what you’re doing to have at least some presence in your life. This is, of course, toxic because the longer they do it, the more time they’ll need to move on and find happiness. But hey, the heart wants what it wants. And many of the Once team members are guilty of orbiting someone in the past. 
• They’re just nosey. It’s possible that the person wants to know what’s going on with all of their former lovers. This has nothing to do with them still having feelings or anything. They’re simply curious. 
• They’re hoping to get back together one day. In dating, some like to keep their options open, so if you didn’t have some terrible breakup, then the person can consider you as a possible fallback option. 

Can orbiting be dangerous? 

Most of the time, orbiting remains innocent and the orbiter eventually loses interest and moves on. In some cases though, it turns into full-on stalking if the ex-lover becomes obsessed and simply seeing your posts and stories becomes not enough for them. If you suspect that someone is starting to cross the line, don’t hesitate to talk to your friends and family, and reach out to law enforcement too. Better to be safe than sorry. 

Stalking is the biggest danger of orbiting, but it’s not the only one. The person who’s being orbited can get stuck emotionally because they’ll keep getting all those likes and random comments, and keep the orbiter on their mind all the time. This can result in manufactured attachment and prevent them from finding closure. You’ll think that the orbiter cares about you and, if you’re vulnerable, start creating those fake scenarios in your head, thinking it might still work out between the two of you, tempting you to start the conversation in your old dating chat. That’s why it’s dangerous when someone is determined to move on. 

How to respond to orbiting in a relationship

There are multiple tactics you can employ to deal with orbiting. 

If the orbiter is your perfect match that you secretly want to reconnect with – reach out to them and test the waters. If they don’t show any interest in talking or meeting, that’s fine, you tried. But what if they also look back at the time you had together and want to do it again? That could be an ultimate win-win! 

If you’re not into this person and their following your socials doesn’t bother you, there’s nothing you need to do then. Allow them to keep liking your posts and ignore any emojis or other reactions they send you. 

However, if their attention to your life is bothersome, feel free to block them and reinforce the no-contact rule. You’re not a villain for doing that, so don’t feel bad. You could also ask them to unfollow you, but there’s a risk they’ll still spy on your public accounts or create a fake account to follow you. 

Bottom line

Orbiting is not the worst thing that someone can do or have happen to them, but it’s not ideal either. The more you’re dating online, the more potential orbiters you’ll come across. Make sure to think about your relationship boundaries and boundaries for when you break up with someone too. Boundaries are a big part of mindful dating, and it’s not for nothing. If you know what’s acceptable for you and what’s not, you can share it upfront, so there are no hard feelings should things go south. 

And if you’re the one who’s orbiting your ex, take a step back and think why you feel the need to still be involved in their life. Try to busy yourself with other things, explore new hobbies, and try slowly dating others. Whether you’re orbiting out of curiosity or not, it can turn toxic pretty quickly, so it’s best to avoid this behavior altogether.