What Is Love Bombing In Dating?��
If you’ve never dealt with love bombing when dating online or offline – consider yourself lucky!
What is love bombing?
Love bombing is a very manipulative and dangerous tactic designed to control and manipulate the individual. It consists of two alternating phases where the partner first showers you with love and affection, and then switches to completely ignoring you and your needs. This creates a vicious cycle that is very hard for the victim to get out of.
The ultimate goal of love bombing
The final goal of anyone who practices love bombing is to have their partner tied to them emotionally and fully dependent on the love bomber. The person wants to assume full control over someone else and they do it through:
- Grooming their partner excessively
- Isolating them from friends, family, and even colleagues
- Making the impression that they’re the only one who knows and understands the victim
If love bombing turns out successful, the victim becomes sort of lost without their partner who is viewed by them as the perfect match who can solve all of their problems and make them happy. Once that is achieved, the manipulator can do pretty much anything, and the victim will abide.
Examples and signs of love bombing
Everything we’ve just described sounds pretty terrifying, but what does love bombing look like in real life? Here are a few examples that can signal you there’s some love bombing going on right now.
- They give you an insane amount of gifts, way more than what you would typically expect and see other people give.
- The gifts themselves are often on the more extravagant side. And if it’s something traditional, like a flower bouquet, then it will be a huge one with an inadequate number of flowers.
- You are expected to praise the person for their gifts, and there’s often something you’re expected to give or do in return.
- Not only are they giving gifts, but they’re also complimenting you like there’s no tomorrow.
- If it’s not a compliment, then it’s a grand statement where they claim they will simply die without you in their life, and that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them.
- Gift-giving and complimenting tend to happen in front of someone or with an assumption that you’ll share the gesture with friends, colleagues, and family.
- They’re telling you what you want to hear. Insecure about your weight? They’ll make sure to repeat how tiny and light you are. Share some values and opinions of yours? Imagine that – they have the exact same views! Like slow dating? They’re not in a rush and will make sure you never forget about that.
- They’re all in too soon. Hearing that they love you, that you’re their soulmate, and also being too affectionate early on (such as wanting to kiss and hug you on the first date) are all signs of a love bomber. It’s too early for all of this! Definitely a red flag.
- They take up a disproportionate amount of your time. Love bombers will try to fill in all the space by calling and texting you when they’re not around, and by insisting on spending all your free time together.
- They’re jealous of anyone and everyone and don’t want you to hang out with your friends and family too much. Some will go as far as insisting on you deleting all other dating chats and blocking people on social media.
Love bombing vs honeymoon phase
Without looking up the definition first, you’d be tempted to assume that love bombing and the honeymoon phase are synonymous. This couldn’t be further from the truth though.
The honeymoon phase is the period at the start of the romance where a couple is infatuated with one another, everything seems perfect, and love is in the air 24/7. That’s the period of hot dates and long kisses, gifts, flirting and sexting, and fantasizing about a life together.
Love bombing also tends to happen at the start of the romance, because that’s when it’s easiest to influence someone and take them under your control. The huge difference with the honeymoon phase though is that love bombing is intentional and harmful. The honeymoon phase happens naturally, while love bombing is orchestrated with an end goal in mind.
Once the honeymoon phase is over, the couple moves on to the next stage of the relationship in a healthy and natural manner. With love bombing, the abuser can use the tactic to force the other person to agree to the next stage. Just like they force them to do anything they please through manipulation.
Love bombing vs genuine interest
The meaning of a genuine romantic interest is authentic curiosity and care for someone. With love bombing – it’s manipulation and control. Those who express genuine interest respect the other person and have no ulterior motives. They really want to build a relationship, without the mind games.
How to tell if you are love bombing someone
Basically, if you’re reading this article and start to doubt yourself – there’s probably something to it. Watch out for how you treat your partner and what dynamics are typical to your relationship. If some of the patterns coincide with what we’ve talked about in this article, reach out to a therapist. They’ll be able to identify if you are, indeed, love bombing your partner. Plus, they’ll be able to help you deal with this unfortunate behavioral tactic.
And remember, it’s not good that you’re doing it, but it’s in your power to change the way you treat your lover.
Is love bombing real love?
While there is some element of love in love bombing, ultimately it’s not real love. When you love someone, you want to build a trusting and caring union. You want your partner to feel safe with you and have them open up to you. When two people are in love, they treat each other as equals, and they’re comfortable enough to voice their honest opinions, even if they don’t match with the ones of their partner. Lastly, with real love, both people are fully autonomous. They choose to be together, they’re not manipulated into doing it.
Why is love bombing bad?
There’s nothing good about love bombing as a concept. It is a form of manipulation and abuse that leads to one person’s full submission to the other. Love bombing is very common among narcissists who want to ensure their lover’s life revolves solely around them. It’s as far from mindful dating as it gets, and the consequences for the victim can be devastating.
Without even considering the traumatic romance itself, the intense healing from this relationship that they’ll require can take years. The constant alternation between gifts and attention and then complete radio silence makes the person seriously doubt their self-worth and ruins their mental health.
And it’s not just bad for the victims of love bombing, although they take the larger part of the burden. The more the person uses love bombing as a tool to secure their romantic partners, the farther they themselves are from building a genuine emotional bond with someone and a healthy relationship as a result. And while we all struggle to empathize with the abuser, the Once team included, we can’t deny that hurt people hurt people. So the sooner a love bomber leaves their cruel ways in the past, the safer online dating arena will be for all of us.
How to respond to love bombing
If you realize that the partner is love bombing you, first of all, try to talk to them and watch how they react. If you share that you’re feeling smothered, and their first instinct is to laugh it off or gaslight you, this will confirm your fears.
Normally we’re not supporters of ghosting, but in this case, you might be better off implementing an immediate no-contact rule. Love bombers rarely change, so it’s best to evacuate yourself from this situation and forget it.
If you are hopeful about your relationship though, here is what you can do:
- Listen to yourself. Your gut and intuition are usually right, so why would they be wrong this time? If you have this weird feeling that something’s off, it most likely is. So as you continue to work on your relationship, know when to stop.
- Talk to friends and family. If you’ve been love-bombed hard, it’s possible that you’ve been distanced from your circle, and there is a lot for you to catch up about. Your loved ones will most likely feel if something is off, and they’ll be happy to share their thoughts on your romantic situation.
- Talk to a professional. Friends and family are good, but if you have access to a licensed therapist – that’s even better. They’re more qualified to comment on your situation, and they’ll be able to give you actionable tips for your individual situation.
- Have a deep talk with your partner. They need to know that you see what they’re doing and you don’t appreciate it. Try discussing your boundaries with them calmly and tell them what kind of repercussions they can expect if they don’t respect them.
The key is to agree on next steps and what’s a no-no for both of you. Love bombing is bad, but you can move away from it if both of you try really hard. At the same time, please always prioritize yourself, and don’t be afraid to break up if you see no change or progress.
