How to Spot a Narcissist in Dating
Things get especially tough if potential interest materializes as the perfect match you found while dating online. With hormones and emotions raging, it takes a real detective to spot and identify all red flags and signs that your crush is, in fact, a narcissist.
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder. However, arguably, it is everyone around them who is suffering, and not the person themselves.
A narcissist has an inflated sense of self-importance, may lack empathy and any consideration for people in their life. They only care about what’s important for them, and are a pretty nasty person to have in your life overall.
Types of narcissists
Not to scare you even further, but the self-centered and entitled narcissist comes in multiple shapes and forms.
Overt narcissist
Vulnerable, or overt narcissists are your stereotypical narcissists that you see in movies, in memes on TikTok, and in books. Those people are loud, dominant, extroverted, and arrogant. They overestimate their importance, skills, beauty, knowledge, and pretty much anything about their life. The crazy part is, because they’re so pretentious yet charming, they get away with it more than we’d like to admit.
Overt narcissists require all the attention in the world, and they can easily get aggressive and exploitative to achieve what they want. Debating or arguing with them is a whole different rodeo – they’ll basically reject information that doesn’t fit into their reality.
Covert narcissist
Covert, a.k.a. grandiose and vulnerable narcissists are more introverted and quiet. They often suffer from low self-esteem (shocker, we know!), and they’re not good at regulating their feelings. People with covert narcissism get envious and jealous, and they will demonstrate this through passive aggressiveness, distrust, and defensive behavior. This type is rather dangerous because they suffer from insecurities, yet they’re feeling extremely entitled and superior at the same time. This is a terrible combination as they’ll thrive on putting everyone around them down to their level.
Communal narcissist
Communal narcissists are not what you expect to see when looking up the term's default definition. This type of narcissist thrives on being perceived as caring and helpful. They can be spotted working on improving the community, doing charity work, and making a difference in the world.
You might think – that sounds amazing, what’s not to love here? Well, it’s not as simple. Theoretically, yes, communal narcissists create something good. However, their true motivation is not about improving the lives of people around them. No. What they’re really after is the sense of moral superiority that this type of work gives them. And through appearing altruistic they eventually start to seek control and status, and they’re well prepared to manipulate, gaslight, and cause other issues to those who are getting in their way.
Main signs of narcissists
Now that we know what the most common types of narcissists are, let’s look at some of the narcissistic traits that can signal to you what you’re dealing with.
Please note that if your date demonstrates a couple of signs listed here, it’s not a 100% verdict of their condition. However, if you’re a bit concerned and they seem to resemble a lot of what you read here, you’re probably onto something.
- Self-centeredness
- Lack of empathy
- No emotional intimacy
- Constant attention seeking
- Issues with their identity
- Manipulation
- Gaslighting
- Endless criticism
- Disparaging remarks
- Groundless jealousy
- Insist they’re always right
Am I a narcissist?
If you’re asking yourself that question, there is a good chance that you’re not a narcissist. Because those guys waste no time thinking about themselves in that regard. To them, it’s everyone else who is the problem.
Having said that, there is a chance that you’re one of the few sensible narcissists who are able to self-reflect and are willing to change. Here is a list of potential signs that might indicate you’re a narcissist. Please bear in mind that we can’t possibly diagnose ourselves like that with 100% accuracy, so take this list with a grain of salt. If you look through it and have your doubts, reach out to a medical professional for further help.
- You are a chronic attention-seeker
- You’re giving advice left and right, even if nobody asked you for it
- You are very ambitious about anything in your life
- You can be very charming if that benefits you
- You feel like you deserve all the best and you deserve it right this second
- You’re never at fault in your mind, even if everyone tells you it’s you
- You’re no stranger to manipulation and taking advantage of those around you
- You get angry and start confrontation very easily
- You’re love bombing your partner
- You’re not committed to your relationship, whether it’s casual or serious
- You need to control your partner and everything about your romance
- You are against the concept of relationship boundaries
We’re not gonna lie, going through that list made some of us at the Once team thinking. We all know at least a couple of people who match the description above. If you’re one of them too, talk to a therapist, read more about the topic, and don’t be afraid to start working on yourself.
Can a narcissist change?
If you’re dating a narcissist and wonder if they can change, know that there is a chance but it’s going to be a slow process. You’ll need to sit down and have a serious conversation with yourself about your motivation and resources to work on this romance because it will likely drain you.
How to deal with a narcissist
In order for the narcissist to change, they first need to know and agree that they have a problem. That’s a tricky situation because nobody likes to hear that they’re a raging narcissist and basically have to change their entire personality. So if you want to break the news to your partner, try talking to a therapist first. They’ll give you more tailored advice to your specific situation, and help you minimize the damage.
In terms of general advice, try to be calm and soft-spoken when bringing this up. Avoid blaming lingo and don’t let them derail you from the unpleasant topic.
If you’re really determined to make this romance work, create a support group consisting of friends and relatives. You’ll need them to maintain your sanity and help fight against the gaslighting and guilt-tripping that will inevitably happen. One of the tactics of narcissists is isolating their victims from the influence of their inner circle, making them more vulnerable and easy to manipulate. Don’t let that happen to you.
Also, turn to slow dating to give yourself more breathing room. This means spending more time apart doing your own thing. Narcissists hate independent partners who know their worth, so they’ll likely throw tantrums and try to push you into the old dynamic, but you should stay strong.
Last but not least, don’t be afraid to leave. No matter how much damage they’ve done to your self-acceptance, and what they’re saying, you are a valuable person who deserves a decent, loving partner. A partner who will respect you and will naturally be following the mindful dating principles, meaning being caring and thoughtful, and building the future together with you in a sustainable way.
If you choose to leave, it’s best to go full-on no contact. This means blocking and deleting their number, as well as all dating chats, and unfollowing them on social media. In terms of physical spaces, avoid spots where they hang out, and distance yourself from their friends if you can’t cut them out of your life completely.
