Why You Should Watch Out for Ghostlighting
In pursuit of a perfect match, many of us have to first filter through not-so-perfect candidates, people who don’t align with us in terms of value, and a bunch of weirdos too. One of the newest tricks the latter group has come up with is ghostlighting.
Today we’ll look into this new unfortunate trend, find out its meaning, signs, examples, and tactics to get out of a ghostlighting relationship if you ever face it.
What is ghostlighting?
At that point, you’re probably thinking we are messing with you! We already have ghosting and gaslighting, so what is this new dating development now? We wish we could say it’s a belated April’s Fool joke, but nope.
So what does ghostlighting actually mean? The universally agreed definition of ghostlighting is that it's a manipulation tactic where a person first ghosts you, and then comes back into your life and gaslights you about the whole situation.
For example, they can say that they’ve never ghosted you, to begin with, and come up with their own scenario of what happened, insinuating that you’re crazy if you disagree with them. The ultimate goal is to make you believe that the other person has nothing to be sorry about and that you shouldn’t be upset with them, so your relationship (whatever form it takes) should resume as if nothing happened.
Signs of ghostlighting
We’ll be honest, it’s rather hard to shock the Once team when it comes to abusive and toxic dating trends. Sadly, not everyone is in the game with the best intentions of mindful dating. You need to watch out for potential manipulators and spot their sick ways as soon as possible to minimize damage.
Here are the main signs of ghostlighting that signal you need to block them and go no-contact.
They’re denying they ghosted you
If you raise your concern and talk about how their disappearing upsets you, a ghostlighter will act surprised, shocked, and appalled. They’ll be saying things like:
- What do you mean I ghosted you?
- What are you even talking about, this never happened.
- I think you misunderstood what happened.
- You knew I was busy with XYZ, so I don’t understand why you’re upset all of a sudden.
- You’re acting crazy.
- Everything’s fine, there’s nothing to be upset about.
- I thought we agreed on taking the slow dating route, so why would I call and text you daily? We’re not in a rush or anything.
Ghostlighters are walking examples of audacity! They’ll do anything to prove they’ve not ghosted you, and they’re prepared to lie, mislead, and gaslight until they reach the end result.
They backtrack with things they do or say on a regular basis
An experienced ghostlighter will also try gaslighting you about other things, not just them ghosting you. Those little things where they said something and later claim they didn’t – they all serve as a base for ghostlighting. They need to make you doubtful about yourself, and the more instances of you being confused there are, the easier their game is. So if you spot weird vibes and patterns from your romantic partner, pay close attention and don’t let them trick you.
They’re always the victim
It’s common for ghostlighters to portray themselves as victims. It’s easy to blame everything on others and divert attention from their unacceptable behavior. People really do go through traumatic events, and some of their behavioral patterns can be attributed to what they’ve been through. Still, it’s not an excuse to act like a monster and ghostlight others all the time.
Where is ghostlighting coming from?
You might wonder why anyone would choose ghostlighting. What’s in it for them?
There are few things a ghostlighter can get out of misleading the other person. First of all, by ghostlighting they can trick you into thinking that the relationship is not dead or doomed. This, in turn, can also be done for a set of reasons.
They can simply be narcissistic and want to have as many people falling for them as possible. Or they might want to keep you around in case they get bored and horny. It’s also a way to keep you on the hook while they’re exploring other options. For example, they might not be in love with you or like you very much, but you’re still okay in their eyes. So they keep you waiting in case their primary dating options fall off. Then, they can return to you for the lack of better alternatives. We know it sounds brutal, but it happens more often than we’d like to admit.
It’s also possible that they’re ghostlighting because they’re stacking your social media and seeing you thrive. This makes them jealous and angry, and they feel the urge to destroy your piece.
Another reason someone may ghostlight you has to do with them being poor communicators. They’re not very emotionally intelligent and also struggle with facing conflicts. As a result, they end up ghostlighting you as a way to excuse the crappy behavior they’ve exhibited. Does this excuse them? No, of course not. But it’s not as bad as alternative reasoning.
Best tips to deal with ghostlighting
We don’t want anyone to fall victim to this nonsense, so here are the tips that will help you address the situation with grace and leave this toxic dynamic with minimal emotional damage:
- Block them. Block and delete your dating chats, remove their phone number, and unfollow them on socials. That’s probably the best way to handle them because the ghostlighter is very unlikely to change.
- Confront them. If you’re willing to try just one more time, address the elephant in the room. If you’re dating online, have a call with them, don’t text your concerns. If you’ve been on dates out in the wild, meet them again in a spot where you can have a conversation without being interrupted. Share why you’re upset and suggest the change you want to see. Don’t push them too much or blame them and get angry. You’ll benefit from staying calm because then you’re more likely to see their genuine reaction and not just self-defense. Also, don’t hope too much for an honest answer, they’re a master of manipulation after all!
- Trust your judgment. If something looks like an apple, smells like an apple, and tastes like an apple, then it’s an apple! Remember, the whole point of gaslighting and ghostlighting is to make you feel like you’re wrong, crazy, and/or unworthy. Don’t let them mess with your intuition.
- Reach out to a therapist. If you have someone you can trust, talk to them. A professional will help you navigate your unique situation, and help you prevent spiralling.
Lastly, if you choose to continue the relationship with the ghostlighter, you need to think hard about:
- Your expectations
- Your relationship boundaries
It’s fairly unrealistic that someone who practices ghostlighting will suddenly turn into a great partner whom you can happily move to the next relationship stages with. You'll be better off most of the time if you allocate them to the casual dating category. Have them be someone you can go out with or have sex if there’s a dry season and you’re bored beyond belief. It’s still risky you’ll end up falling for them, but at least you’ll have this mental resolution that will guide you.
Also, establishing and communicating your boundaries is key. If they want to be with you – there’s no more gaslighting, ghosting, benching, or anything in between! They need to hear you say it and agree to comply explicitly.
