How to Get Back with Your Ex and Should You? The Real Talk
If you did, or if you’re currently in the midst of contemplating doing that, then our article is just what you need! Find out when is a good and a bad time to get back with your ex, what motivates people to do it in the first place, and the best tips for a successful reunion.
When is a good time to get back with your former lover?
Not all breakups are permanent, and you might want to give your romance another chance. This is a highly divisive topic in our society, as many believe what’s in the past should stay there. But if your breakup wasn’t caused by the abusive or toxic relationship dynamic, then we at Once don’t see any reasons why you shouldn’t go for it.
Still, timing is key, so here are a few situations when getting back with your ex would be a good idea:
- You two are single.
- All negativity or ambiguity that you had towards each other is resolved.
- Your boyfriend/girlfriend and you both have done the inner work and managed to become better people.
- There is still room for trust, and neither one of you has ruined it with previous infidelity or betrayal.
When is getting back together with your ex a bad idea?
Not all relationships can (and should be) given another try. Here are situations when you should stay broken up:
- There’s been mental or physical abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting.
- The partner is a chronic cheater and/or flirt.
- You didn’t feel safe in the relationship, and your emotional needs weren’t met when you dated.
- There’s unfinished business between you two, and you’re hoping that by getting together you can have the closure you deserve. Trust us, that’s not a good reason to hook up again!
- You’re afraid of being alone and lonely. But what’s worse – being lonely on your own or being lonely while in a relationship?
- You’ve invested so much time and effort into this relationship already that you’re upset about all of it going to waste.
- Friends or family members pressure you to get back together for some reason, whether because they really like your partner, or feel like you won’t be able to find someone better, or they want you to have kids sooner, or there’s a kid in the mix already, so they’d care more about this child having both parents that your happiness. None of these options are good!
There are also somewhat neutral reasons to want to get back with your ex-partner, such as a sense of familiarity and having a lot of history together. It’s not necessarily a wrong reason to restart the relationship, but it’s not positive either. After all, you did break up with them, right? So while it can seem scary to put yourself out there, start dating online, meet creeps and weirdos in dating chats, and go through all relationship stages again, it’s ultimately better for you to find your true perfect match, even if it takes a while than compromising and settling for someone just because they’re there.
Why would you want to get back with your ex?
Sometimes people break up for the wrong reasons, and the time apart shows them that they’re actually still in love and fit each other much better than they thought.
Some couples separate during health or career crises, others just get on each others’ nerves at home a lot and call it quits in the heat of the moment. It’s also possible for people to disagree on certain values or stances, and think their relationship won’t work because of it. Then once they’re away from each other, they realize how truly little this actually means, and they’d much rather be in each other’s arms.
Here is a list of the main reasons why people reconcile after breaking up with their exes:
- They’re still in love or have strong affection for their partner.
- Nostalgia takes over and we want to be with someone who’s familiar.
- One or both partners promised to change, and there are high hopes for building a healthy relationship.
The benefits of getting back with your ex
Some people choose to get back with their ex in anticipation of the following benefits:
- Building a deeper connection with your partner this time around, since you two already know each other very well, and you’ve spent some time apart growing mentally which will enrich your new 2.0 romance.
- Getting back together with their true love. Sometimes it takes a breakup to realize just how perfect you are for each other.
- The comfort of being with someone you know for a very long time.
The risks of getting back with your ex
Should you get back with your ex? Only you know the answer to that question. What we know, however, is all the risks that come along with it. Not to be a Negative Nancy, but you should know both the pros and cons of this step before you take it. So, without further ado, here are the potential risks of restarting your love story with an ex:
- The same issues will ruin your union once again if you’ve not done the work and haven’t grown.
- You won’t be able to let go of the emotional baggage of previous fights and the breakup.
- You won’t be able to fully rebuild the trust that was lost which will eventually poison your romance.
- Both of you can miss out on dating and falling in love with someone amazing who fits you better and can make you much happier.
The tips to get back with your ex
So you’ve decided to get back together with your ex? Let’s make sure you make the most of it and boost your chances of building a strong and healthy partnership on the second try!
The tips below will not make you bulletproof against another breakup, but they’ll definitely keep you both in check and help avoid unnecessary issues and conflicts.
Sit back and wait for a while
Sometimes we get lonely and nostalgic, and long for this comfy feeling that we’ve had when we were together with our ex. It’s possible that our body just tricks us into thinking that we want to get back together, but it’s just loneliness or boredom.
Reach out and offer to talk
When you do that, start with a casual conversation to test the waters. The response that you’ll get from your ex will already tell you something, but it’s good to fish for their mood and potential take on getting back with you. Once they’re warmed up with a conversation, strike with the main question.
Take their answer, whatever it is
If your ex says No to trying again, don’t attempt to change their mind. You can potentially guilt-trip them into trying but who wants that? It’s also possible that they’ll get angry and annoyed about your suggestion. If they do, don’t be irritated with them. God knows what kind of feelings your idea has brought back to life for them. Take it with grace and walk away calmly.
Consider having a trial period
If you both are enthusiastic about the idea of dating again, give yourself a trial period. Make it at least a few weeks and perhaps up to a year. There needs to be enough time for you both to show your true selves to the partner, and demonstrate if and how you’ve changed. Mindful dating in the form of a trial period will also prove to you two that the decision to get back together is well thought-out and is not something you did on a whim.
Keep the past in the past
Either you’ll be tempted to bring up some past fights or misunderstandings, or they’ll be coming up naturally in conversations. Unless you’re intentionally trying to work out a particular issue, try to not bring up past conflicts too much. They can easily turn into a new fight and spoil what you two have. So if you’ve already lived through this problem and worked it out before, better leave it be.
Final thoughts: is it okay to get back with your ex?
The truth of the matter is, that only the two of you know exactly what went down and whether or not it makes sense for you to get back together. Naturally, we’re not talking about abusive and manipulative relationships. That’s a 100% No for us. As for all other cases, including infidelity too, nobody can tell you what to do or not do.
So if both you and your ex have the urge to start over, think this through, analyze why exactly you broke up, establish new boundaries to make sure those break up reasons stay in the past and give it a go. Worst case – you’ll break up again, and this time for good. Otherwise, you’ll be left wondering “what if” forever.
And if you’re toying with the idea but are not completely sold on getting back together, give yourself more time. Maybe your worries will go away in a few weeks, or you’ll confirm that this is indeed not for you.
The final piece of advice that we’d like to share is to take things slow with your new old partner. Slow dating will make this situation more relaxed and casual, and you’ll be able to see if you both changed and really want to do this.
