How to Spot and Deal with Gaslighting in Dating
Have you ever heard that phrase before? Or maybe someone told you “You’re too sensitive” after blatantly disrespecting you? If the answer is yes, then congratulations – you’ve been gaslit!
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is manipulation that happens in all kinds of relationships – friendships, romantic partnerships, and even work relationships with colleagues and bosses.
With gaslighting, the victim is being led to believe that their reality is not actually real. The gaslighter creates this false alternative universe and makes it their job to convince the victim that they’re the problem. For instance, an emotionally unavailable boyfriend can gaslight the girlfriend into thinking that she’s making it all up when confronted.
Signs and examples of gaslighting in a relationship
Gaslighting has a severe effect on the person, but it’s not always clear that it’s gaslighting causing the disturbance. Here are some of the signs of gaslighting that are common in romantic relationships.
- You start to question and second-guess your judgment more often than you used to.
- It seems like you're losing your mind and sanity at times.
- The majority, if not all, of conversations with the person, leaves you feeling like you’ve done something wrong, forcing you to apologize.
Someone who’s no stranger to gaslighting will often do the following:
- Lie to you about anything and everything. Many gaslighters can’t help but lie about different things, many of which are not even worth lying about. It’s common for them to be pathological liars, as well as raging narcissists.
- Spread false narratives about you. Alienating the victim is highly important for gaslighters, and they’re ready for everything it takes. On one end, they’ll do what it takes for you to create an impression that you can’t trust anyone in your life, besides your romantic partner. On the other side, they’ll gossip and tell crazy lies about you to your friends, family, and colleagues to single you out. And if your inner circle won’t buy their lies, they can still tell you that your friends actually confined them about not liking you.
- Redirect the conversation every time you try to have a deep talk with them, establish boundaries, or just call them out. The last thing they need is for you to figure them out, so they’ll do anything in their power to prevent you from understanding what they’re doing. To avoid responsibility, they’ll either switch the conversation to a different topic or will ask you random questions.
- Pretend to be angry and upset with you for not trusting them. Shifting the blame from themselves to others is a common gaslighting technique. They’re very creative in coming up with ways to turn things around the way it would seem you’re doing or saying something wrong.
- Act like you’re constantly overreacting. Should you express a mild concern, show your emotions, or share your thoughts, their instant response is something like “Wow, calm down” or “Why are you so sensitive?”. The goal is to make you feel silly for any sort of emotion or thought, to make you believe that you’re always overreacting for no good reason.
- Deny, deny, deny. If you analyze a bunch of conversations and fights with a gaslighter, it is to see how often they agree that they’ve been wrong. Usually, with gaslighters, the average of them admitting the wrongdoing is zero. Yes, they’re really not into saying “I was wrong”.
- Changing history. For example, you could have discussed having kids in the dating chat when you’ve only started going out, but now they’re claiming that never happened and that you misunderstood them back then, and they’re not interested in kids at all.
You can come across and experience other signs of gaslighting, but the ones we’ve discussed above are the most common ones. So watch out for these, but also keep in mind that your personal gaslighting experience (hopefully never happens!) can look different.
Effects of gaslighting
Gaslighting is not a quick occurrence. Most gaslighting happens over a long period of time. It’s gradual, slow-paced, and very calculated. Because it’s done carefully and patiently, the victim often fails to notice that something’s wrong until they’re trapped and fully doubt their reality.
Gaslighters pretend that the way the victim sees a situation is crazy, and that everything happened in a totally different way. If the person who’s being gaslit is impressionable or very vulnerable for some reason, they’re at high risk of:
- Losing confidence in themselves
- Feeling confused all the time
- Questioning their mental state
- Wondering if their memory is failing them
- Growing highly dependent on the abuser
- Experiencing anxiety and depression
- Feeling like you’re alone in this world
- You’re unhappy and disappointed in yourself
That’s quite an eerie list, isn’t it? The main effect of gaslighting is that the person ends up feeling worse than they did before. They feel worse about themselves, their achievements, relationships, outlook for the future, physical appearance, and basically anything else.
If someone is exposed to gaslighting for too long, it can take years for them to heal from the relationship, restore their mental health, and go back to the self-love and self-acceptance they once had.
Is gaslighting abuse?
Gaslighting is abusive by definition. It’s a highly manipulative behavior pattern, and the gaslighter intends to make the victim suffer from a lack of confidence, feel isolated, and submit to the gaslighter’s wishes and demands. Nothing about this screams healthy relationships or mindful dating.
How to respond to gaslighting: actionable tips
Nobody should suffer from gaslighting! At Once, we realize that it’s often easier said than done. Not everyone has the intuition and the inner strength to spot gaslighting early on and cut the person out. Equally, not everyone is blessed with solid relationships and a strong enough inner circle that will be able to spot the gaslighter and shed light on who they truly are.
So, here are a few tips that you can try if faced with a nasty gaslighter:
#1 Take things slow
If you’re seeing this person and something about them seems off, move on to slow dating. Don’t see them every day, maintain a strong connection to friends, hang out with colleagues, and don’t ditch your hobbies to go see them. If someone really is a gaslighter, they’ll likely push you to spend the majority of your time with them. And if you refuse – they’ll be pissed and show their true colors, or they’ll ghost you and go look for a new victim.
#2 Go no-contact
Honestly, this is the best thing you can do to a gaslighter. Cut them out completely, before you grow too attached to them, and won’t be able to dump them if they continue being toxic. Going no-contact can seem rude, but remember – you don’t owe anything to anyone, especially not the people who don’t have your best interests in mind.
#3 Talk to someone you trust
Sharing your thoughts and worries with a family member, a friend, or a therapist can be incredibly insightful and helpful for your recovery from gaslighting. It will give you clarity and reassurance that you’re not, in fact, going crazy.
#4 Set boundaries
If you’re not ready to call it quits yet, try setting relationship boundaries. Define what is out of the question, such as silent treatment or faking the narrative, and outline the punishment for breaking the boundary. For example, if they continue to spread gossip about you or claim that something didn’t happen when it 100% did, you’ll break up. Setting boundaries will give you an excellent opportunity to test them and see if they’re ready to be a committed partner or not.
Can you gaslight yourself?
Yes, self-gaslighting is weirdly possible. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
While typically it takes two to tango, some individuals manage to achieve the same results just by themselves. For example, they engage in denial of their own feelings and experiences, or doubt and criticise themselves constantly. It’s also possible to hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time while gaslighting yourself. For example, a woman may think that her boyfriend is a perfect match for her while simultaneously knowing that they’re cheating them left and right which is obviously wrong.
Do gaslighters know they are gaslighting?
That depends. Some gaslighters are real villains who know what they’re doing and are happy to continue with that. Some gaslight unconsciously because it is a learned behavior they witness from caregivers or past lovers, or they use it as the only defensive mechanism they know and understand.
All gaslighting is bad, but we’d say it’s the intentionally manipulative ones that you should absolutely stay clear of. It’s not your job or duty to fix them, so don’t waste your life and mental health on those people. If you meet them while dating online – block them, if you meet them in real life – turn around and go the other way.
How to stop gaslighting someone
If you feel that you might be prone to gaslighting, and you’re ready to do something about it – congratulations! Purely acknowledging this tendency and wanting to work on it is a big step. The best way forward for you would be to reach out to a licensed therapist. There are many reasons why someone can resort to gaslighting, and until you understand the root cause, it will be hard to fully work it out and move on.
If you really want to change, be prepared to do a lot of tough inner work. It is also likely that you’ll need some time before you can adjust, but it’s so worth it. You got this!
