Is Friend Zone the Final Verdict And Should You Challenge it?

There is a lot of discussion about the friend zone and what someone should or should not attempt to do if they find themselves in one. We thought we’d join in on the conversation and offer our perspective. 

What is a friend zone? 

The friend zone is this mythical place where love comes to die. Just kidding! The basic meaning behind the friend zone concept is that you are being allocated to the non-romantic category in someone else’s mind. 

For example, you download a dating app, start an active dating chat with someone, and fall for them. The person on the other side, however, might enjoy chatting with you but not develop any romantic feelings. If this person decides (sometimes subconsciously) that they will never want to mess around romantically with you, such as going on dates, flirting, sexting, having sex, and starting a relationship, they put you in the friend zone. 

Friend zoning is very common among friends and colleagues who’ve known each other for years. It’s hard to tell why exactly someone starts to develop romantic feelings towards the other person all of a sudden though. If we’re talking about a childhood friendship, then those things happen a lot once kids start to hit puberty. They might confuse general sexual desire for affection, or actually fall in love with their friend. In adult relationships, things are a bit more complex. There’s a tendency for feelings to grow when one of the friends breaks up with an ex-partner, and starts to look at the friend in a different light. 

Signs you are in a friend zone 

Relationships are complex and confusing, and it’s not always easy to tell if you’re in a friend zone or not. We’ve prepared a list of signs that can help you cross-check your situation and find out. 

They’re trying to match you with one of their friends 

If that’s not a sign you’re in a friend zone, we don’t know what is! If they were considering you as a potential lover, they would never risk losing you by setting you up with someone they know. 

They introduce you as a friend 

That’s the second solid sign that you are now a valid candidate for their future relationship. Of course, if you both like each other, but haven’t done anything about it yet, there’s no other way to refer to you. Still, you can probably tell when they do it somewhat awkwardly and when they’re confidently calling you a friend with no remorse. 

They’re way too comfortable in front of you

Thankfully, the outdated notions of what one can or cannot do in front of a loved one are mostly in the past now, but we still try to show our best sides when in the presence of someone we consider our perfect match. If a boy or a girl you like is not trying with their appearance, shares the most awkward and embarrassing events or thoughts with you, and does things like burping and farting, this signals they don’t see you as a romantic target. 

They’re not trying to do the things you like 

We’re not talking about extreme people-pleasing situations, but rather more casual events when you decide where to go or what to do. When we like someone, we usually are ready and willing to compromise to make our crush happy. 

If you look back at your relationship dynamic and come to the conclusion that they rarely accommodate your wants and needs, even innocent ones like checking out this new coffee shop you’re curious about, then they’re probably not that into you. Or they’re simply too self-absorbed and narcissistic which is arguably even worse. 

They tell you about their crushes, dates, sex experiences, etc 

Would you be talking about your intimate encounters with someone you want to be in a relationship with? Probably not. We’re all for talking about sex, but we’d hardly ever want to go into details with someone we’d like to repeat this experience with. 

There is a possibility that they’re simply trying to make you jealous, which is not cool, although it’s been a known tactic and popular dating advice for decades. If that’s the case though, then they’ll probably resort to talking about someone sending them texts or asking them out, and not the sexy details of their hookups. 

Tip: If you end up together, and it turns out that they were, in fact, trying to make you jealous, have a conversation about it. You can’t really achieve sincere emotional intimacy through manipulative tricks, so if you’re looking for intentional and mindful dating, it’s best to ensure this kind of behavior is not going to spread to other areas of your romance. 

You’re the shoulder they keep crying on 

Emotional support is a vital part of a healthy relationship, but someone borderline abusing your patience and supportive resources is likely seeing you as a person they can vent to, and not a love interest. Naturally, they might see you as a soulmate or a kindred spirit, so they feel they can tell you anything. It’s more likely, however, that they just know you’re empathetic and can be trusted with a secret. 

Signs you are not in a friend zone 

Sometimes we get in our own heads and think we’re in a friend zone, when, in reality, it’s not the case. Here are a few signs that hope is not lost yet.

• They compliment you left and right 
• They’re eager to touch you, for example, your hand as you’re telling them a story, or they’re hugging you a second too long
• They make sure you know they find you funny, amusing, and very interesting
• They clear other plans to spend time with you 
• They’re openly flirting with you 
• They get jealous if you go out on dates or talk about past relationships 
• You are a part of their future plans 

Lastly, if you are getting mixed signals from them, this can also indicate that they like you romantically, but might not have made up their mind yet. If that’s happening, you can either confront them or wait for them to decide and take action. The choice is yours. 

Is it bad to be in a friend zone?

Well, it depends. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being in a friend zone per se. It’s not a negative thing, like situationships or when they’re ghosting you. Still, it can be pretty painful if you develop strong romantic feelings that remain unrequited. Many people will struggle with maintaining a platonic friendship without hurting their own feelings or suffering from one-sided affection. Some, however, will be able to manage their expectations and move on. In any case, if that happens to you, don’t dwell on it too much. 

Have an honest conversation with yourself, and try to understand your reaction and how you’ll be able to handle it. Next, speak with your crush and discuss what the next steps for you two would be. Perhaps you’ll be able to stay close friends, or you’ll need some time away from each other, maybe even with a no-contact rule established temporarily to help you move on.  

How to get out of a friend zone

Getting out of a friend zone will probably not be easy, and the chances of failure are quite high too. Still, you can try! Here’s what you can do. 

Take a pause to think this through

Are you really interested in pursuing this person, despite them showing no romantic feelings towards you? It’s crucial for you to understand if your intentions are serious. The last thing you want is to do all this work, and change someone’s mind, only to realize you didn’t really want them in the first place. 

Talk to them openly and respectfully

Find the right time and place (quiet, with plenty of time for you to talk uninterrupted) to break the news and allow them to share their opinion on the situation. 

Do not try to persuade or guilt trip them into saying Yes

They might cave if you corner them, but they’ll ditch you later or worse – they’ll stay with you but will slowly develop resentment and hatred. 

Respect their answer, whatever it is

They might agree or disagree with giving your love story a chance. They might do it politely or be somewhat rude or emotional. Whatever their reaction is, avoid lashing out at them. They didn’t expect this to happen, and they might say something wrong. It’s unfortunate, but it happens. Take it with grace and move on. 

Be open to their ideas and suggestions 

It’s possible that they’ll agree to give you guys a try, but want to keep their options open and keep on dating other people for a while. They might also want to hold things off for now or do the slow dating thing for a while until they’re confident about your compatibility. Try to be open-minded and explore different options with them. This might not be what you pictured in your dreams, but it’s still an opportunity to get what you want. 

So you’ve been friend-zoned. Should you try to change their mind? 

Friend zones are weird because theoretically you can turn things around and make your crush want you romantically, but this doesn’t happen very often. And if your attempt fails, there’s usually a lot of embarrassment and low self-esteem involved. 

In the Once team’s personal experience and opinion, fighting the friend zone status is only really worth it if you are in love with a person. Fancying someone or having a crush is not a strong enough reason to challenge someone’s relationship boundaries. Naturally, only you know what’s best in your personal situation, and if you really want to try again, then you’re free to do so. 

Perhaps you’re not in a forever friend zone but are merely pushed away along with everyone else because the person is not ready to date yet. In that case, not giving it another go will mean missing your chance of happiness. 

The final tip we can give you is if you attempt to escape the friend zone and fail, take it with grace and don’t push them further. You can’t make someone want you, and there are so many options for dating online these days that it’s much better to explore your options and find a perfect match who will not hesitate for a second about wanting to be with you.