Conflict Styles in Romantic Relationships: What's Healthy and What's Not
The good news is that having conflicts in relationships is absolutely normal, and it’s even welcome in some cases. Fights are not all about destruction, they’re also the source of problem resolution. Of course, not every fight is constructive and sustainable, that’s why it’s important to understand the conflict styles of both partners, to manage and smooth them down, and to lead them to a healthy route rather than toxicity.
How do you do that? We’re glad you asked! The Once team prepared a quick guide on conflict styles in relationships to help you learn about yourself, and your lover, and turn every conflict into a romance enhancer.
Key reasons for conflicts in relationships
Every couple is different, but, surprisingly, many of the reasons why lovers are fighting are pretty universal. They don’t depend on socioeconomic factors, race, or religion. Here they are.
Money
Money makes the world go round, and, apparently, it also has power over romantic relationships. Like it or not, finances are a huge source of trouble, regardless of how much money the couple has. One person might be willing to burn all their cash on trips and experiences, while the other is all about investing and securing their future.
But it’s not just the differences in priorities and lifestyle, but also how the combined income is shared. In more conservative circles, it would be perfectly acceptable for the man in the relationship to cover the living costs and earn money, whereas in other social groups, a woman would be expected to chip in too. So if we have a couple where partners have different upbringings, we have a potential recipe for a disaster on our hands.
Sex life
Another source of many misunderstandings and conflicts is sex. So many couples fight about it instead of sitting down and having a calm talk about sex. And we’re not judging them by any means! It is really hard to open up about this touchy (no pun intended) subject. Unfortunately, if you don’t work it out, you risk being very frustrated, sexually and mentally, and lashing out at your partner left and right.
Intimacy
Besides sex, there are other types of physical and emotional intimacy. Cuddling, hugging, sharing inner thoughts and dreams, and spending quality time together, all that are elements of intimacy. It’s okay for the couple to go through stages where they're closer, and then the stages where they sort of drift apart. It can happen because of busy schedules, stress, health scares, and other things. However, if one partner(s) is constantly feeling like their lover is not opening up to them, that eventually results in a conflict.
Kids
Having kids or not can be an issue on its own. And if you end up having them, then the way you raise them is another endless source of arguments. Naturally how the parental labor is divided is also an important factor, especially in the last decades where more women are willing to focus on other aspects of their lives and want the father of their children to step up and take more of the parenting workload.
The main 5 conflict resolution styles
The renowned Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI) model outlines the five core conflict styles that we will cover today.
According to TKI and other relationship experts, it’s actually good to have a somewhat healthy mix of all five. Leaning heavily towards just one conflict style may be concerning because people fight for different reasons and in different circumstances. That’s why it’s considered normal for partners to have different reactions to something annoying and handle those situations in a unique fashion.
#1 Competing
The first, competing, conflict style is not ideal for many reasons. Largely, the issue lies with partners being pitted against one another, and creating an environment where there seemingly can only be one winner. In reality, of course, romantic fights should not be about winners or losers, but about meeting both partners’ needs and keeping their relationship flourishing. We’re not on the battlefield, after all!
#2 Avoiding
People with an avoiding conflict style like to pretend that the issue is not there. Like kids who are afraid of something, they close their eyes and hope the monster will disappear once they open them again. Sometimes avoiding a conflict can be helpful if one of the partners is simply hangry and looking for an outlet to their anger. In most cases though, it’s detrimental to the romance to avoid conflicts. These things tend to pile up and snowball into massive issues that can sometimes be impossible to resolve and result in a breakup.
#3 Collaborating
The collaborating conflict style is often considered the healthiest and most desirable conflict style. With collaboration, partners aren’t set against each other as much. They are upset, yes, but their anger and frustration are directed towards the issue, and not their lover. You work as a team, even when you experience negative emotions towards your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Collaborative conflict style is a desired one, but it can be hard to maintain. Resolving conflicts like that requires an immense amount of energy and time. It also takes partners a lot of emotional intelligence to navigate the conflict collaboratively without lashing out or losing patience. If you can do it though, you’re set for a successful mindful dating that has more chances to result in a life-long love story.
#4 Accommodating
With an accommodating conflict style, the partner is ready to let go and let the partner have it their way to maintain the peace and avoid issue escalation.
Even though this style of conflict sounds innocent, leaning too much towards accommodation can backfire too. If one of the partners is very accommodating but the other isn't, this can mean that the more flexible person will constantly struggle with their needs being met. You see how that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, right?
#5 Compromising
Lastly, the compromising conflict style is where the partners, well, compromise! It’s a good way of dealing with issues, especially complex ones that involve drastic changes to the lifestyle. For example, if one of the partners wants to have four kids, and the other one draws the line at one or two, going for one child could be a compromise.
It doesn’t work with all problems though. For instance, if the boyfriend wants exclusivity but the girlfriend wants to be polyamorous, they can technically agree that the girl will be allowed to continue dating online and, let’s say, sexting with others in dating chats. She’s not cheating physically that way, but still gets to experience polyamory. But, as you can probably guess, such arrangements often result in resentment, more fights, and separation.
Ideally, with a compromise, both partners get something at the end of the conflict. You can’t call it a win-win really, because they both give up something, but they also get something, so it’s not a lose-lose either. For example, when a couple has a movie night tradition, but their taste in films is very different, they can agree to have turns on who decides what they’re watching each week.
What does your conflict and conflict resolution style say about you?
You are not your conflict style, but it can shed some light on your personality.
Analyzing how you approach conflicts can demonstrate your communication skills, assertiveness, and problem-solving. It’s also useful in terms of understanding how well you’re able to regulate your emotions, and whether or not you like confrontation. Conflicts are situations where many of us lose control, at least a part of it, and we reveal some of our traits that don’t pop up too often, and that we might not be very proud of too. Although it can be painful, going back to your previous fights and dissecting them can help you understand yourself better.
Better conflicts: how to improve your conflict resolution styles
Many believe that how you fight has much more importance for your relationship than why you fight. The longevity of your union, as well as its quality, will depend on the conflict types you exercise and whether you’re ready to improve them or not.
Here are actionable tips that will help you make your relationship conflict resolution better:
- Leave the past in the past and start fresh. If you’ve already been together for a while, you’ve probably had your fair share of fighting. Do your best to leave it all in the past and agree to start fresh with a new mentality.
- Work on your listening skills. Both partners need to try to listen and hear more of what the other person is saying. For starters, don’t interrupt one another. If something is not clear, repeat the summary of what the other person said and ask to clarify.
- Trick your brain into thinking it’s not a fight. Approach conflicts as games, not in a manipulative toxic way, but as a game where you both are playing against the final boss and need to win together by coming up with the best solution to the issue.
- Less judgment, more acceptance. Judging is too easy, but staying open-minded and not dismissing someone is much harder.
The final and, perhaps, the most important tip is to lead with empathy. You’re talking to the person you really like, so there is really no need to be hostile and aggressive towards them. Watch out for how you talk with them and deliver your arguments. You’d probably prefer them to address you with kindness, right? Do the same for them too.
Can people with different conflict styles be a match?
You don’t have to match 100% across all boards to be compatible. Plenty of couples have different conflict styles, and some of them overlap while others don’t. The key is to be open to listening to each other and wanting to resolve the conflict with the best results for both, and not just one of you.
If you have concerns about your compatibility on that front, you can try slow dating to see how you guys deal with real-life fights and draw conclusions from there. It can also be helpful to reach out to a licensed therapist for dating advice. And if you really like this person and they like you, you will probably be fine, as long as you’re willing to do the work.
