How to Give and Reply to Compliments
How to give the best compliments
Whether you’re dating casually, looking for a wife, rushing things, or doing slow dating, compliments will enrich your romantic relationship. Here’s how you can ace the compliments game:
- Look for things to compliment beyond the looks. Think about their personality, skills, the way they do something, accomplishments, their way of thinking. This will show that you appreciate them as a person, and not just a hot body.
- Highlight the things they do well, even if they’re unaware of it. For example, if someone is great at chatting with random people or handling difficult situations.
- Compliment them as a person, not just a part of who they are. Say things like “You are wonderful” or “I appreciate you”. This means that you don’t just like them for something specific, but you’re crazy about them in general.
- When complimenting someone, don’t expect a compliment back. If you do, the person will think that you’re not sincere but are simply looking to praise yourself.
Examples of compliments
We are strong believers that compliments should be unique and dependent on the situation and every individual. However, there are many good compliments that we can get inspired by or plain borrow. Here are some of them.
For a girl, typical good compliments are:
- You have the most beautiful eyes.
- Your presence makes everything better.
- You’re my reason to smile.
- Your elegance inspires me.
For guys:
- You’re very strong.
- You’re very thoughtful.
- I love your confidence.
How to accept compliments
Yes, there is a right and wrong way to take compliments too! But don’t worry, the rules for correctly accepting compliments are pretty simple:
- Hear the person out
- Say thank you
- (Optional) Give them a compliment too
Here’s what not to do:
- Argue about the compliment
- Say that it’s not true
- Try and prove that you don’t deserve the compliment
So, basically accept the compliment with grace, and don’t resort to negative self-talk about the person who’s just highlighted something good about you. It’s unnecessary, it can feel weird for the person who’s just complimented you. Lastly, it’s just rude. Just like you don’t spit in public because it’s unacceptable behavior, you shouldn’t persuade people that you’re not worthy of their kind words.
How to handle backhanded compliments
Backhanded compliments are an entirely different story from normal compliments.
By the way, if your seemingly perfect match is sending you backhanded compliments in the dating chat or, God forbid, has the audacity to tell them in person, they’re not perfect, and not a good match after all.
Here are the Once team’s recommendations for how to handle backhanded compliments sassy but with grace.
Initial reaction:
- Accept that anything they say is a testament to who they are as a person and has nothing to do with you.
- Stay calm and collected. Yep, it can be hard to stay composed, especially if you get such a compliment from someone you found while dating online, and you really like them. Still, make sure you keep your cool. Take a deep breath and pause before responding.
Comeback options:
- Ask them to clarify what they mean by saying that. Ideally, do it with an innocent smile and loud enough for other people to hear you if you’re not alone. If they try to play it down or dodge the question, rephrase it with something like “Are you saying this to help me get better?” or “Do you think you’re being helpful with that comment?”. There’s nothing quite like watching their face sink as they realize you won’t let it go, especially when you’re calm, so they can’t call you crazy or angry and walk away.
- Respond with humor. Either give a funny, light-hearted response or play along and continue their “story”. The idea here is to let the person subtly know that they can’t hurt your feelings.
- Call them out directly, no sugarcoating. Backhanded compliments are rude. Nobody should be getting away with such behavior, so let them know they’re being impolite and hurtful, and that this shouldn’t ever repeat.
- Change the subject if you’re not into confronting them. Let’s say it’s your first date. The guy or a girl says something random and mean. If you’re into mindful dating and want to find someone you can build a healthy relationship with, it’s perfectly fine to ignore the rude person’s words and simply end the date right there or finish it, but go no-contact and not indulge their toxic ways.
Homework:
Once you’re out of the offender’s reach, you can do a little mental exercise to fully process this little incident. Not every backhanded compliment needs to be thoroughly investigated, but you can have a look at the following:
- What was the intent? Is the person insulting you insecure or ignorant? What is most likely causing them to behave like that?
- Evaluate your reaction. Did their words hurt you? Is it something you come back to in your mind? Do the words hurt or is it painful to hear that from this particular person?
Lastly, insults that sound like compliments are very common these days. We hear them at our workplaces, and in friendships, and our love interests are doing it too. It’s ultimately up to you to decide how and if to react to backhanded compliments. Whatever you choose though, don’t let it get to your head.
Why you're fishing for compliments
If you find yourself constantly hinting to others that they need to compliment you, or just feel the need to get this validation from others, it’s probably deeper than basic vanity.
Compliments are a great sense of joy for men and for women. They also help us get a sense of our worth. If someone is saying we’re good or funny, then we really are, right? As much as compliments are good, relying on them too much means that you’re struggling with self-acceptance. It’s flattering to hear good words about yourself, but you shouldn’t have someone tell you you’re amazing for you to believe that.
If you’re stepping into the dating scene, it’s best to be self-assured and confident, otherwise, you risk falling for the wrong people and miss the pink flags that will turn red down the line. That’s why, for the sake of conscious dating and your well-being, we encourage you to address why you’re dependent on compliments, and do it with a licensed professional who’ll help you deal with this tendency in the best possible way.
