What is Compatibility in a Relationship

What is relationship compatibility? 

Compatibility in a relationship is essentially a sense of connection that two people share and experience. It’s a state where the couple is in sync in terms of values, beliefs, interests, and plans for the future, but also lifestyles, conflict styles, and general outlook on life. 

How important is compatibility in a relationship?

Compatibility is the foundation of your entire romantic partnership. 

People who are compatible with their romantic partners have a strong physical and emotional bond, and they’re more likely to withstand any storms that come their way. Even healthy relationships can struggle over the years, so the more on the same page you are, the better your chances of staying together no matter what. 

If you are compatible with your partner, you both can expect support and empathy with new beginnings and projects in life. When your lover is your biggest cheerleader, your daily life feels better and more exciting. You’re more relaxed and less stressed, you’re happier, and you have less anxiety about whatever it is that you’re doing or going through right now. 

Having someone you’re compatible with in your life on a daily basis is the best. You’re more likely to achieve your personal goals and dreams with a partner like that, and your entire relationship is happier, more stable, and definitely more thriving. 

Types of compatibility in a relationship

Yes, there are different types of relationship compatibility. Ideally, you’d score all of them for a perfect romance, but having even some out of all options is already a good start. 

Emotional compatibility 

If you have emotional intimacy, can share how you feel, discuss even the trickiest and most vulnerable emotions you have, and do it effectively, it means you’re compatible emotionally. One of the biggest issues in a relationship is not feeling comfortable around your partner to tell them something or share a relationship boundary out of fear that they won’t understand. If you don’t know what it’s like with your lover – congratulations, you’re already way ahead of so many couples.

Intellectual compatibility

One of the dating pet peeves that we all share at Once is how downplayed intellectual compatibility is in pop culture. Countless movies, TV shows, songs, and books try to persuade us that people who have nothing in common can magically fall in love and make it as a couple who stays together until the day they die. 

And yes, it can happen, statistically speaking, but it’s fairly unrealistic. Intellectual compatibility is so, so important! Your values, worldviews, and interests determine how you live every day. If you don’t share them with your significant other, that’s a breeding ground for conflict. 

Also, watch out for curiosity and attitude towards life. If you are super into learning new things and exploring the world, but your partner isn’t, this can become a problem too. One of you will be growing and developing as a person, while the other will stay exactly where they are, creating a huge gap between the two of you. 

Sexual compatibility

Justice for sex, ladies and gentlemen. The whole obsession with sex has been dying down ever since the 90s ended. Younger generations are reportedly having less sex, and it’s lower on their priority list too. We’ll not debate whether it’s good or bad, but it’s undeniable that even if you’re not super sexual and sensual, being sexually compatible with your partner matters. 

The naked time you spend together is very vulnerable, so it’s critical that you feel comfortable, have fun, and are able to satisfy each other. Your sex doesn’t have to be great all the time, but it needs to be good on average for the relationship to work. 

Financial compatibility

Financial compatibility doesn’t only mean your socioeconomic background, but it also applies to your lifestyle. 

Some might take offense to the view that how much money you have (or are projected to have) plays a big role in compatibility, but we’re here for the harsh truth, right? The financial situation can often mean little, but it can equally be a huge obstacle. First of all, if one partner makes a bank, and the other one works in a significantly less lucrative field and has no family money, this can create a power imbalance. For some men, if their girlfriend is richer and earns more, this is a subconscious issue as well. 

Thirdly, if partners are on different financial levels and can’t agree on their financial goals, they’ll resent each other for the way they spend money. For example, a woman may want to open a shared investment account to support their child's future, while the husband hardly has any disposable income left after paying all bills, so he’ll either be against the plan or will feel negative emotions towards his spouse. In another example, one partner choosing to get designer clothes every time they get paid over contributing to 401K or similar important financial goals can be a problem if the other person is more frugal and down-to-earth with their spending. 

Signs of relationship compatibility 

There are many little signs that will tell you whether you and your partner are a perfect match in terms of compatibility or not.

• Similar communication style
• Tolerance towards one another’s character flaws 
• Shared interests and hobbies that you explore together 
• Whenever you fight, you do it sustainably and do not hurt each other 
• You respect each other’s decisions even when you don’t agree with them
• You’re empathetic towards each other’s feelings
• Trust is a big part of your union, which makes you feel secure and confident in the relationship        
• You feel sexual attraction to each other 
• Compromising is something you’re both ready to do 
• You accept each other’s differences
• You often share a laugh

You DON’t have to be the same to be compatible

One of the common misconceptions about relationships is that you can only be compatible with someone you’re pretty much identical with. This is not right though. Surely, it helps when your values align, but it’s much more important that you complement each other, and that when you don’t align in some aspects, you manage to make it work and not have it be your breaking point. 

Can you improve compatibility in a relationship?

The only answer we can give you is a Yes and No. For instance, you can definitely work on your communication style to understand each other better, deal with conflicts in a non-toxic way, and just be on the same page more. However, if you’re drastically different people, and especially if you have your own traumas that feed into each other, your efforts won’t necessarily work. 

Same with sexual compatibility. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t try and have better sex, explore each other’s fantasies, and try new things. Yet, some people are simply not compatible in that area. 

The bottom line is, that if you really care for each other and want to make your relationship work, you should fight for your romance. At the same time, know when to stop and either accept things as they are or break up. 

How to improve compatibility in a relationship

If you feel like there are some incompatibility issues in your couple, here is what you can do:

1. Start with a conversation. A proper deep talk can do wonders sometimes. Your partner may be clueless about your unhappiness with a specific area of the relationship. It’s a good starting point to be on the same page about it. 
2. Be prepared to make changes and compromise. Those things are easier said than done, so work on your mindset and expect that you’ll need to adapt and switch things up, even if you think you’re doing everything right. 
3. Reach out to a therapist. This is a tip that we share in many articles, but that’s only because it is really great! A licensed professional will help you navigate this tricky period in your relationship and help you reach the best results without hitting too many dead ends. 
4. Be prepared to wait. Compatibility is not something you can magically improve over a couple of days. It can take weeks and months, so take things slow, and don’t rush the process. 

What is more important in a relationship, chemistry or compatibility?

Ideally, you’d have both chemistry and compatibility in your relationship. Chemistry is what keeps you excited about your partner, it sparks all sorts of emotions and desires and keeps the flame going. However, without compatibility, chemistry can die down quickly, or worse – turn toxic. So many people have those unhealthy romances where they’re clearly not a good match with their partner, yet they jump up every time a text comes through in the dating chat, and they keep running towards them, even though it hurts them. 

If you’re just dating online for a casual relationship, then chemistry can be more important for you. Yet, if you’re in it for the long run and prefer slow dating and life-long commitments, then compatibility can’t be overlooked.