How to Deal with a Codependent Relationship

How to Deal with a Codependent Relationship

Sadly, there is such a thing as being too close as a couple. It’s called a codependent relationship. 

What makes a codependent relationship so bad? And can you turn things around? Let’s talk about all that and more in today’s article. 

What is a codependent relationship? 

Many people think that codependency is simply being around each other all the time, kind of like how we did during Covid when our lovers were essentially the only people we saw during the day with minor exceptions. 

In reality, codependent relationships are much darker. It is a behavior pattern where you effectively rely on the other person to be your island of stability and security. It’s the obsessive need to be close to the other person that puts your autonomy in jeopardy. 

Codependent partners strongly depend on each other:

• Emotionally
• Physically 
• Spiritually 
• Mentally 

Codependent relationships are often additionally burdened by substance abuse by one of the partners, but it’s not a given. 

Signs of a codependent relationship

How do you understand if you’re in a codependent relationship? Well, there will be signs. 

• Feeling less than if you’re not needed by the other person.
• Not being able to find the time for yourself to be alone and do your own thing.
• Fear of potential conflicts, and even resorting to people-pleasing or suppressing your own negative feelings and emotions out of fear of triggering your lover. 
• Non-stop checking in, sending messages in the dating chat and calling, and spying on social media. 
• Prioritizing the person and the relationship over everything else, including friends, career, hobbies, and health.  
• Being overly submissive (especially if that’s not your standard behavior).
• Ignoring all the red flags and believing that this person is perfect, despite all the contrary evidence. 
• Losing a sense of self and merging with the other person in terms of habits, behavioral patterns, and preferences.  
• Not having relationship boundaries or having them ignored or disrespected by either of you. 
• The other partner needs to approve your every move or you need to do this for them. 
• Trying to be more independent and put your needs first is labeled as selfish and egotistical. 
• Plans with other people are often canceled at the last minute out of guilt or subconscious fear of disapproval from your partner. 
• There’s a feeling of being trapped in the relationship. 

What causes a codependent relationship

Codependency in a relationship usually results from a combination of different factors, but here is the core set of reasons that cause it:

1. Being too empathetic. Yes, some people have too much empathy for their own good. 
2. Previous life experiences cause them to behave that way now. Unreliable adults when they were growing up, toxic relationships, any kind of trauma – all that can trigger codependency. 
3. People with opposite attachment styles meet and get locked into the patterns that are reinforced by them both.

Why is a codependent relationship bad?

Too much dependence on anyone is unhealthy. The meaning of the term itself hints that it’s not a good dynamic to find yourself in. Hanging on to the other person too much can cause you loss of self, put you behind in your life goals, and also put you at mental and physical risk. When someone is codependent on their partner, they’re willing to turn a blind eye to abuse, gaslighting, and other potentially dangerous situations.

Codependent vs healthy relationship

You can distinguish a healthy couple from a codependent one pretty easily. In a healthy relationship, people would depend on each other, naturally, but they’d be able to spend time apart, have different opinions on the same topic without creating a conflict, and both have a life outside of the relationship. Also, their partnership is balanced – they’re both giving and receiving love, affection, support, and everything else.

Can a codependent relationship be saved?

The short answer is Yes, it can. So don’t panic if you’re in this situation. There are definitely things you two can do and changes you can implement to turn things around and build a healthy relationship. 

Important: Both partners need to be on board with the plan to break the codependency cycle. If only one of you is willing to change, the chance of making it happen is very slim. So before you attempt anything, make sure to have a raw, honest, and deep talk about your dynamic and the way you see your future together. 

How to overcome a codependent relationship

If you’re wondering how to fix a codependent relationship, you’re on the right track already. Wanting to do it is half of the success. 

Here’s what you can do to put this in the past.

• Self-awareness is your everything. Start noticing what you’re thinking, saying, and doing. Any bad patterns need to be stopped as soon as you realize you’re doing them.
• Strive for open communication. With codependent relationships, communication is usually a tricky topic, as the giver tends to walk on eggshells around the taker, and the taker can be manipulative and send mixed messages. Fixing that will help greatly with solving this codependency puzzle.  
• Fall in love with yourself. Whether you’re a giver or a taker in a codependent relationship, there is not enough genuine self-love in you. Learn to appreciate yourself, block any negative self-talk, and think of yourself in a positive light, even if you have to force yourself at first. 
• Don’t tolerate anyone’s BS. This is technically part of falling in love with yourself. You need to talk back to those who disrespect you and never allow someone to be passive-aggressive or mean to you. You don’t have to be rude back, but simply voicing your protest and putting them in the spotlight will be enough half of the time. 
• Cut the umbilical cord. If you guys are only seeing each other all the time, take small steps in the opposite direction. Schedule coffee dates with friends, commit to volunteering work where your partner can’t join you, go to a men’s or women’s-only gym. 
• Focus on your own goals and dreams. We all have things we want to accomplish, right? Now is the time to remember what those things are and make them a reality. 
• Embrace saying No. Whatever it is that you’re not particularly excited about – just say No. Naturally, sometimes you’ll need to agree to help your friends and family, and you can’t say No to your boss most of the time, but you know what we mean. If you really don’t want to go out tonight – just don’t, it’s not the end of the world. 
• Reach out to professional therapists. It’s hard to break free from a toxic cycle on your own. Your inner circle is a good helper, but they’re not licensed to give you advice and can be less effective than a talk with a therapist. Give it a try. 
• Try slow dating or even dating online. Taking things slow and limiting how much you see each other can be very helpful for both of you. This will be a painful change in your routine, but a necessary one. 
• Establish strict boundaries. And make sure they’re respected! Have a talk with your lover about what’s acceptable and what’s not. Ask them about their boundaries too. Talk about why it’s important for you both to treat those boundaries seriously and set the ‘punishment’ for breaking them. 

Bonus tip: Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to change the situation, and it will take time. That’s alright, don’t expect an overnight success. 

How to end a codependent relationship

If you’ve been trying to change the situation for a while, and you see little to no progress, this might be your sign to move on from this relationship. The Once team can’t really recommend to anyone what to do in their love life, but many of us stayed in unhealthy relationships way too long, and we’d be glad if someone told us that breaking up was an option. We’re all about mindful dating, and torturing yourself by being a part of a bad romance is not it. 

Here are a few tips to help you get out of a codependent relationship:

1. Consider going no-contact. If you’re confident in your decision to stop dating this person, going fully no-contact will help you stay away from them and avoid jumping right back into their arms in the moment of weakness. 
2. Do your research. Read about codependency online and talk to a therapist to understand the problem better. When you have THE talk with your soon-to-be-ex partner, they might use tricks and techniques that will keep you by their side. If you know those tricks, you’ll be less likely to succumb to them. 
3. Start detaching from your partner while you’re building up the courage to have the talk. It’s not always easy to break things off, so if you need some extra time before you do it, start focusing on yourself. Practice putting yourself first, do the things that make you happy, and spend more time with others. 

You got it! Remember – eliminating toxicity from your life can be hard, but staying in a bad relationship is ten times worse.