Cheating in a Relationship: All You Need to Know

Cheating is like life insurance – nobody wants to think about it, but anyone can find themselves in an accident. As you dive into dating online and find your perfect match, the last thing you want to concern yourself with is cheating. 

We hope that cheating won’t be a part of your love equation, but even so, it’s good to understand the subject better, know what cheating entails, and possible strategies for post-disaster relationships.

What is cheating in a romantic relationship? Types and examples 

Cheating comes in different shapes and forms. Here are the main three types of cheating in dating: 

• Emotional cheating where you’re starting to develop feelings for another person. You’re not kissing, hugging, or sleeping with them, but they’re slowly beginning to take up more and more space in your brain and heart. This type of cheating often occurs between friends and colleagues, and the ultimate emotional cheating is when two people fall in love with each other. 
• Physical cheating is rather obvious, although some might argue that kissing and hugging shouldn’t count. We leave this up to you to decide, but the Once team collectively agrees that any form of physical touch is unacceptable. Unless you’re hugging someone because it’s their birthday or something like that. As an adult, there’s no reason you should be in physical proximity to anyone but your partner. 
• Micro-cheating is a rather fascinating type of cheating because everyone’s definition of this term differs. Micro-cheating can be flirting, sending messages to others in the dating chat, and doing things you know will upset your partner, like giving lavish compliments to others, and even following someone online. 

Emotional cheating vs friendship

There’s a fine but firm line between emotional cheating and friendship. 

In a friendship, two people get close, hang out, share similar views and values, so it can look like emotional cheating to an untrained eye. The key here is to see if and how this friendship threatens the romantic relationship. For example, if your husband befriends a female colleague, but their friendship doesn’t undermine your partnership, then there is no cheating. 

What do we mean by undermining? For instance, if he goes to her to vent about your issues and she takes over your role of someone he can trust and share his most intimate thoughts and fears with. In that case, such a friendship is definitely a risk for the partnership. 

It’s important to note that a partner might not even realize they’re cheating on you emotionally because everything happens slowly and smoothly. This doesn’t free them from responsibility though. We are all adults, and we’re definitely capable of tracking those things and removing ourselves from situations where they can threaten our love life with our spouse or long-term partner.  

It is emotional cheating if: 

• There’s secrecy involved – your partner is hiding that they’re hanging out with someone.
• Emotional intimacy – they’re starting to form the type of intimacy where they feel comfortable sharing such things with each other that are typically reserved for a lover.
• The “friend” becomes more important than the actual spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. 
• They’re crossing the relationship boundaries, for example, start hugging or holding hands with the third person. 

If your partner is only friends with someone, they’ll have no issue telling you about them, inviting you to hang out together, and keeping a respectful distance to ensure they don’t do anything that could be misinterpreted as cheating. 

How common is cheating?

If you go on TikTok or specific Reddit threads, you can easily end up with the impression that everyone cheats all the time. It’s not the case though. There have been multiple researches where people were asked if they’ve cheated or whether they’ve been cheated on by their partner. Results varied, as they usually do, but the national average ranges somewhere between 15-25%. 

This number can shock you because we have this narrative in society that cheating is extremely common, especially between wives and husbands. In reality, though, the majority of the population is loyal. Or so they say at least. 

How to know they're cheating? Key signs

First of all, you’ll probably get a gut feeling about the partner which shouldn’t be ignored. If something seems off, it most likely is.

Also, pay attention to the following signs:

1. Newfound secrecy, even with seemingly innocent things 
2. Change in appearance, habits, words they use, and mannerisms
3. Anger or defensiveness if you ask about certain people, situations, or topics
4. They’re spending more money than usual and you don’t know where it’s going 
5. You start having less sex and your intimacy declines overall 

Main reasons for cheating in a relationship

You never know what really goes on in someone’s head, but here are the common reasons for cheating:

• They’re not in love with you anymore. Sadly, some people fall out of love and, instead of breaking up, they choose to cheat. 
• Low self-esteem. Your partner is insecure and they’re using cheating to make them feel better about themselves. Cheating makes them think they’re attractive and successful. 
• They want to insult or hurt you. This reason is somewhat similar to the previous one. Partners also feel insecure, for instance, if their lover is more successful, they use cheating as a way to get revenge. Unlike the previous reason though, here the cheater has malicious intent. 
• They feel neglected by you. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a common reason for people to cheat. They don’t get love and support from their partner for some reason and seek it externally. 
• You’re not compatible sexually, so they want to compensate for that and have their sexual needs met with someone else. 
• Unfinished business with their ex. If your partner is cheating with their ex but not with random strangers, they probably still have feelings for them and some unresolved issues. It’s not a great place to be in, so you might consider leaving the relationship if it’s still casual between you two. 

You've been cheated on, what's next?

If you’ve been cheated on, first of all, we’re sorry to hear that! We hope you’ll feel better soon. 

In this situation, only you can tell what the right step would be – whether you should forgive them and move on together, or break up. Whatever route you choose, please focus on healing over everything. You are your number one priority, and you can and should do everything to get over this betrayal. 

Even if you’re not willing to break up, going no-contact for a while can be a good move because it will give you the space to process what has happened and decide what to do next. 

We’d also encourage you to talk to a licensed therapist. Do it alone or with a partner, but make sure to speak with someone who can guide you and give you correct advice that won’t hurt you or make the situation worse. 

If you decide to stay in the relationship, have multiple deep talks with your partner and:

1. Tell them how their cheating makes you feel 
2. Set new boundaries and agree on the consequences of disrespecting them 
3. Let them speak and share how they will do better moving forward

It’s important to note that you shouldn’t ever feel the pressure to stay in the relationship if you don’t want to. It goes against all principles of mindful dating. If you are married and have kids, then it might be more difficult, but even then your happiness should be your main concern. If you’re unhappy, you won’t be able to take care of yourself, the kids, or anything else. 

Lastly, if you’re not sure what to do, consider slow dating. Take longer breaks between seeing each other, focus on your life, and practice mindful dates where you spend quality time together, such as walks and dinners where you can talk or new activities that you try together.  

What if you've cheated on your partner? 

If you’re the one who’s cheated, then your options will depend on whether or not you got caught cheating. If you didn’t, then you can confess and try to rebuild trust, or you can pretend it never happened and bear this cross on your own. We’re not going to tell you what to do here, the choice is yours. 

However, if you intend on cheating again, and it wasn’t a one-off misstep, then we would actually encourage you to come clean and let the other person go. It’s not fair to let them suffer and struggle while you’re jumping into bed with strangers left and right. 

If your partner knows about your wrongdoing, then let them lead. Apologize, say you’re sorry (if you mean it), and agree to their terms. That is if you want to save this relationship, of course. 

Here is a quick checklist for you if you’ve cheated, the partner knows about it, and you want to save the relationship. 

• Apologize 
• Admit your fault 
• Spend time reflecting on your actions 
• Pledge to not do this again 
• Agree on new boundaries 
• Give your partner space 
• Go to couple’s therapy 
• Go to individual therapy 

It is never your fault if they’re cheating 

Before we sign off, we want to make one thing abundantly clear – it’s never your fault if someone cheated on you. No relationship is perfect, and we do things to each other that can lead to certain emotions and behaviors. Still, when it comes to cheating, you’re not pushing the partner into someone else’s arms, no matter what you do. Any attempt to prove the opposite is the definition of manipulation.