Can You Be Celibate and in a Relationship?
Modern dating is tough. People only get busier and busier, and finding a deep connection with someone is becoming that much harder. Casual hookups, situationships, textationships, and all the other “ships” are no longer cutting it, so some people choose to opt out of dating completely. Others continue to date but by their own rules, such as by going celibate.
And no matter what some may say (yes, Bumble, we’re talking about you), you can go celibate and continue to date, just as you can go celibate and not date anyone if you don’t want to. This is a choice that everyone has a right to make. Today, we are going to talk more about celibacy – what it implies, why some people do it, the pros and cons, and, of course, we’ll touch on whether you can date and be celibate (spoiler alert: yes, you totally can).
What is celibacy, and why do people go celibate?
Celibacy is a vow to not have sexual relationships for a long time or for the entire life.
Celibacy has strong ties to religion, as many people choose to not have sex until they’re married, and nuns and priests vow to go celibate as they dedicate their lives to serving God.
Religion is not the only reason to refrain from sex though. These days we hear a lot of people trying it out of curiosity, to see how their life would change and if it would change at all without the sexual experiences in them.
For others, it’s a way to protect themselves from all the bad things that sex can result in, such as unwanted pregnancies, and STIs, but also stress, and anxiety that come from sleeping with people you don’t really know or don’t commit to 100%. In fact, there is a big conversation going around about mindful dating and practicing celibacy until you meet your perfect match whom you’re really ready to build a long-term healthy relationship with.
Celibate vs abstinence
Celibacy and abstinence are similar, but there are differences between the meanings of those two concepts. While celibacy is often associated with religious reasoning and long-term avoidance of sex, abstinence is more about the short-term exclusion of sex from your life. People also use the term abstinence when talking about non-sexual things, such as fast food, drugs, or gambling. Abstinence can also be situational, for example, when a person relocates to a Muslim country where alcohol is prohibited and hard to find, they can stop drinking for the entire duration of their stay in the said country. Once they’re back in their homeland, they can resume alcohol intake.
Voluntary vs involuntary celibate
Celibacy is not always a choice. With voluntary celibate, a person makes a conscious decision to not have sex. The definition of involuntary celibate, in turn, is wanting sex but not being able to find a partner to have it with.
Unlike its voluntary counterpart, involuntary celibate often leads to frustration, low self-esteem, and, sadly, a lot of built-up anger. If you are currently experiencing involuntary celibate and feel its negative effects on yourself, please talk to a therapist or someone you can trust. Even talking about the issue is often helpful, plus you’ll get tips and most likely a new perspective on your situation.
Benefits of celibacy
Is celibacy even a good idea? At Once, we say Yes, it definitely can work for some and be a good solution or strategy for slow dating.
Here are the key benefits:
- Your physical health is in check. No sex = no STIs. Also, no pregnancies.
- You avoid disappointment. It pains us to say it, but not all sex is good sex. Sometimes it’s better to just stay at home, read a book, and go to bed early than to experience the embarrassment of lukewarm sex with a stranger.
- This can be a good exercise to practice your willpower and restraint. People quit smoking, eating sugar, and many other things to test their abilities. Going celibate is one of the ways to do it.
- It helps you align with your God. For example, if you want to abide by your religion that prohibits sex until marriage, or plan to start a career in the church.
- You avoid dangerous situations. Both sexes can be victims of assault, but women are disproportionately affected by crime that results in dating and going to strangers’ homes. Instead of putting your life in danger, you can go celibate and keep your piece of mind.
Drawbacks of celibacy
Are there any downsides to practicing celibacy? Yes, just like anything in life, it has its pros and cons.
Here are some of the drawbacks:
- Sexual frustration. Although sex is not a basic need, like food and shelter, it can be very annoying and tiring to not have any sexual relationships. This will often result in mood swings, irritation, and other emotions that you’d not necessarily be proud of.
- You can start feeling like you’re lesser than. We’re not in the 90s or 00s when sex was everywhere and everything was overly sexualised, but you can still get FOMO if everyone around you can and/or have sex, and you don’t. Even if it’s your choice, it can start affecting the way you perceive yourself in a negative way.
Can you be celibate while in a relationship?
Romantic relationships are so much more than sex. Emotional intimacy is equally, if not more important than sexual intimacy. It is absolutely possible to be celibate in a relationship and build a happy and long-term partnership.
Lots of couples choose to wait for sex until they are married, and people can also go celibate even if they were sexually active before. Any scenario can work if the couple is on the same page. The crucial part here is to talk about sex in a relationship, especially if you’re not planning to have it.
In case you or your partner are considering celibacy, have a long and honest conversation about it. Talk about the timeframes of this decision, and your relationship boundaries, and also make sure to agree on what you consider sex. Some say sex is penetrative, others would count seemingly innocent foreplay as sexual activity too. Make sure you’re on the same page about the topic, and your celibate romance will go much smoother.
Tip: You’re not obliged to share your celibacy plans with everyone you meet while dating online or in real life, but we’d recommend dropping the hint to them at some point, whether in a dating chat or in a face-to-face conversation. Not everyone will be on board with not having sex, and that’s okay.
Can you masturbate while celibate?
This is a touchy (pun intended!) topic. Whether you can or cannot masturbate during celibacy is completely up to you. Technically, celibacy is abstaining from sexual relationships with another person, so you should be good as long as you’re doing the solo sessions. Some consider masturbation cheating, but again, it’s all up for interpretation.
Empowerment through celibacy
For the longest time in the history of humankind, and still to this day in many countries, sex was a tool and a way to control and suppress. Women weren’t supposed to have sex until marriage and outside of marriage, and they were shamed and even killed if they disobeyed. In some cultures, similar repercussions applied to men too. Nowadays, practicing voluntary celibate is a way to gain back control over your body, and not let society tell you what to do.
If you’re curious about going celibate, try it for a defined period of time, and don’t be afraid to change your mind if you find that it’s not for you after all.
