Mastering the Art of Casual Sex
These days, casual sex is also a highly divisive topic. Some say it’s the best thing they’ve experienced through dating online, others claim it to be a huge issue in modern society. So which one is it? Let’s find out together!
What is casual sex? The OG hookup
The meaning of casual sex is pretty simple. It’s sex between two people who are not in a committed relationship, or who are not even dating at all. These days people use the term hookup when talking about casual sex, although hooking up can also mean extensive foreplay and hardcore kissing.
What it means to have casual sex
Having casual sex is not as simple as it seems. A lot goes into a successful casual relationship in the bedroom.
For instance, the reason casual sex fails for so many is that people can’t avoid developing feelings and emotions towards their sex partner. That makes casual sex a constant exercise in distancing your heart from your, you know, genitals.
Casual sex also means having a pretty unique type of relationship that you may struggle to navigate. Not too many people around us (at least to the Once team’s best knowledge) are having casual sex, so it’s hard to know what’s right and how you should act. There are simply not enough examples in front of our eyes. It can be confusing, but it can also be a beautiful thing.
Casual sex vs friends with benefits
You can say friends with benefits and casual sex is the same thing. But it also isn’t. Casual sex is more of an umbrella term, similar to hookups. Casual sex can be a hookup that is just plain sex, a making out session, or a friends-with-benefits arrangement.
Whereas friends with benefits are a long-term casual sex thing between friends. The idea is that you guys love each other platonically but have no desire to become lovers. And because you’re comfortable around each other and hang out anyway, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have sex too. This situation tends to backfire a lot because due to close connections and long history, someone inevitably falls in love.
The benefits of casual sex
Having a casual sexual experience with someone on a regular basis offers more benefits than meets the eye.
- Sex safety.
Safe sex is so important! And when you’re hooking up with a bunch of different people, you’re exposing yourself to all sorts of nasty bacteria and diseases. Then there are crazy people who can be plain dangerous. Instead, by having a casual sex arrangement, you increase your safety and avoid many of the negative consequences of hookups.
- Your sexual needs are met. Sex has a bunch of physical and mental health benefits. It reduces stress and anxiety, stimulates the release of good hormones, improves our sleep, substitutes physical exercising (in a way, please still go to the gym or work out somehow), and puts us in a better mood. If you’re single and aren’t looking for a relationship right now, casual sex is your way to get the release and the pleasure while maintaining your preferred lifestyle.
- You’re having more fun. Adult life can be dull sometimes, and while you’re looking for your perfect match to show up, you might as well have some fun and collect a few spicy stories to share with your friends over brunch or cocktails.
The downsides of casual sex
Casual sex isn’t inherently bad, but it has its downsides, there’s no denying that.
- The stigma. Sadly, many cultures and societies are heavily preoccupied with what other people are doing in their bedrooms. This is especially heavy for women who’ve historically been targets of slut shaming. Even someone initiating a conversation about casual sex in the dating chat can consider you a less-than if you agree to the arrangement. That’s obviously unfair, and things need to change.
- STIs and unwanted pregnancies are still possible. Yes, casual sex with the same person or a small group of people reduces the chances of catching nasty viruses and bacteria or becoming pregnant, but the chance is never zero. That’s why you should always come prepared and use multiple ways of protection. Think condoms, dental dams, wet wipes, and oral contraceptives.
- The sex might suck. No pun intended! Sometimes sex with a stranger is hot and steamy, but often it’s lukewarm at best. Sex is not just a physical exercise but it’s a bond of two (or more, we’re not judging!) people, and your chemistry needs to match too. With casual sex, the chances of scoring someone with perfect sexual compatibility are not very high.
Casual sex rules
Rules aren’t sexy, but they are necessary. If you want a thriving casual sex-ship, you need to establish rules and follow them.
- Discuss boundaries. Establish relationship boundaries. Yes, even for casual sex. Or should we say especially for casual sex. You both need to understand the rules of the game, otherwise, someone will end up getting hurt, confused, or heartbroken.
- Leave the door open for other relationships. So you’ve found a perfect candidate for casual sex. Great! Don’t let this stop you from dating and looking for someone special if that’s your long-term goal.
- Do the mindful dating thing. Mindful dating stands for many things, but here we mostly imply being a decent partner to your casual sex friend. Treat them with utmost respect, just like you would prefer them to treat you. Just because you’re casual doesn’t mean you can ghost them, be abusive, and ignore their needs.
- Discuss sex openly. You’re in it for a good time, right? So talk about sex openly to make sure you have a good one. Discuss your fantasies, preferences, comfortable positions, and favorite locations. Maximize your fun while you’re at it!
Is casual sex for you?
Casual sex can be a good or a bad idea, depending on the point in time in your life. If you’ve recently broken up with someone and are vulnerable, then maybe it’s not the best idea. When we’re struggling through heartache and are healing from a relationship, we tend to latch onto people stronger than we would in a more stable state.
Also, some people can’t be casual about sex, and they end up developing feelings even if they didn’t want to initially. And if you agree to have casual sex with someone who’s not the best fit for you mentally but they’re ripped and good in bed, when you end up falling in love with them, you start dreaming about a person who is not meant for you. And that’s very unfortunate.
Despite us saying so many negative things about casual sex, it can work and it does work for some people. It requires solid relationship boundaries, emotional intelligence, and sometimes luck. If you find a partner that you’re sleeping with casually, and you’re both satisfied with how things are working – more power to you!
Is casual sex bad for your mental health?
Lately, there’s been a lot of talk about the negative effects of casual sex or the so-called hookup culture on our mental health. The argument is that we are blindly diving into all these random sex experiences where we don’t get much value out of it and end up feeling used.
There is some truth to that. It can be mentally and physically draining to go out there and get this very intimate experience with someone who has no intention of being your long-term partner. And it becomes even harder for your soul if you have casual sex with a secret hope of this leading to something more serious. Sometimes you might not even realize it, but wish for it subconsciously. And then you end up burnt out from all the hookups without understanding why it’s happening to you, to begin with.
That’s a very real risk that you should be aware of before jumping into the world of casual sex, and you need to listen to yourself and opt-out as soon as you feel that something isn’t right.
Is casual sex even real?
Casual sex is often only casual for one person, and the second person is treating it more like a slow dating thing, hoping for more in the future. In all honesty, though, sex is never 100% casual. Even if you’re not into a relationship with your sex partner, you still end up feeling some kind of possession over them, or at least you’re curious about what they’re up to when they’re not with you. That’s not to say that casual sex is a myth, but we’d be lying if we assured you that it comes with no complications.
Can casual sex lead to a relationship?
It depends. According to Hollywood, all casual sex and friends-with-benefits arrangements end up with a happily-ever-after. Real life is a bit harsher than this. The best chance of casual sex becoming something serious eventually is if you both don’t mind this in some distant future. Like if it’s a possibility and not a deal breaker for either of you. For instance, if you’re scrolling through online dating apps and you find someone who specifically says that they’re not interested in a relationship in their dating profile bio, then your chances are slim. Yet, if you’re both open to the idea of moving on to more serious stages of a relationship somewhere down the line, then there is a chance it will happen.
The thing with casual sex is that you don’t necessarily need to strive for it to become something bigger. Sex is a wonderful thing, and we can have great sex with someone we’d never want to be in a relationship with. If that’s your situation, then simply enjoy it while it lasts, and don’t stress about it.
