Taking a Break in a Relationship: the Hows and the Whys
Some swear by it and claim it saved their long-term relationship, others believe it’s a sign of an inevitable breakup. But what does taking a break in a relationship really mean? And can you survive it?
Let’s find out together.
Relationship break vs slow dating
Some people confuse the concepts of relationship break and slow dating, so let’s clear the air before we dive deeper into the topic.
Relationship break is when you temporarily go no-contact without actually breaking up. Couples resort to this measure to sort something in their relationship and deal with a tough period.
Slow dating is very different. It is an approach to a relationship, usually at the beginning of it, where people make the conscious choice to not rush with dating. For instance, couples can choose to wait to have sex, move in together, or meet the parents. Slow dating is also about leaving more free time to an individual's personal life and goals, as opposed to being consumed by romance which often happens during the honeymoon period and beyond.
Is taking a break in a relationship healthy?
There are benefits to taking a relationship break that you might not be aware of if you’ve never considered it.
- Giving you more me-time. Personal and professional growth and relationships can coexist, but sometimes you really need to focus on yourself, especially if there’s been a traumatic event that’s holding you down.
- Helping you figure out what you want from a relationship. If you’re really close, and even codependent as a couple, you may struggle with understanding what you really want and need from your relationship. Taking a break gives you the breathing room to figure out your goals and needs in romance.
- Chance to cool down. Some couples find themselves arguing and fighting more and more as if they’re suffering from relationship burnout.
The core meaning of taking a break in a relationship is to enable you to be better partners and have a healthy relationship. It is a mindful dating technique that is designed to give couples space and time to process what is happening in their relationship without making harsh decisions that they will later regret.
In the right hands, and with the right mindset, taking a break can be what saves and improves your relationship.
Downsides of taking a break in a relationship
Taking a pause in your romance is not all rainbows and butterflies. There are several downtimes you should be aware of before you make this decision.
#1 You may never get back together
Let’s address the elephant in the room first. Temporary arrangements turn into a permanent state in an instant. You stop seeing this person you’ve been in a relationship with, possibly even move to a new place if you lived together, and all of a sudden you get this whole new life. Everything new is exciting, so you may not want to go back to the old romance.
#2 One of you may fall in love with someone else
Even if you’ve agreed to not see other people, one of you (or both) may start dating online, indulging in steamy dating chats, going on dates, and, eventually hooking up. It’s rather common for couples to not return from a break because they’ve met new people and started relationships with them. In the Once team’s opinion, this does sound like a happy ending if both exes are now in love. However, it is pretty devastating to the person who was really hoping to get back together.
#3 Seeds of doubt will grow
Pausing the relationship is kind of like crisis management. It’s an extreme method to deal with romantic issues in hopes of rekindling the old flame. If you choose to go down that path, there is a very real chance that you’ll be questioning yourselves forever. Should you’ve just broken up back then? And what if the person secretly enjoyed the break a little bit too much, and will suggest a real breakup sometime soon?
Signs you need to take a break from your relationship
Let’s look at some of the signs that might indicate a break is necessary.
Tip: Take these signs with a grain of salt. Just like we can all self-diagnose a horrible illness on the internet when this couldn’t be further from the truth, we can convince ourselves that every sign matches our exact situation when it is simply not the case. So don’t make any decisions based only on this article. Use it as a starting point to understand your possible relationship issues better.
- You’re about to move to the next important relationship milestone (marriage, kids, etc) but aren’t sure that this is what you really want.
- The vibes in your couple have been off for a while – you’re either fighting, arguing, staying mad at each other, or in silent treatment mode. If that’s the case but you still feel love for that person, taking a break can save your relationship.
- Your personal goals and plans never really seem to happen, and you suspect that the relationship is taking all your energy.
- One or both of you are about to move across the country or overseas for a long period of time, and the other person can’t join.
How long should a relationship break last
If you’ve decided that taking a break will heal your relationship and reinforce the deep connection you once had, good. The next question is – how long should that break actually be?
As you may probably guess, we don’t have a mathematical formula to help you calculate the optimal time period. However, many couples and experts say that anywhere between a few weeks to a few months is a good guess.
It doesn’t make sense to take a break that’s too short, like a week or two, because you won’t really be able to do any inner work and self-discovery in such a short period. Similarly, there is no need to have a break that is over a year, for example, because at this point if you don’t want to get back together – you might as well break up for good.
Does taking a break in a relationship work?
The short answer is: Nobody can tell you that.
Every single relationship is different. But not only that, stages of a relationship play a big role too. A couple that wouldn’t survive a break four years ago can easily do it now because they’ve worked on their emotional intimacy and have long-term relationship goals that they want to achieve no matter what.
Relationship breaks can definitely work for some lovers, while others won’t rekindle again after this. That’s why if you consider taking a break, make sure it’s a well-thought-out decision and not something you decide on a whim.
Relationship break rules
A relationship break can make or break (pun intended) your romance.
Follow these few rules to make sure your romantic pause stays healthy and doesn’t ruin your chances of getting back together.
- Choose a deadline. You can’t just go on a break indefinitely and hope for the best. Unless you actually want to break up but don’t have the guts to do it. Agree on a deadline that makes sense for both of you. There’s no ideal time frame for how long that should be, but try not to set it for over a year as you’ll probably grow seriously apart in the meantime if you.
- Decide on the next steps. What happens when that deadline comes? Who contacts who? How do you meet? What’s the protocol? Don’t leave it for the future you to decide.
- Introduce rules. You need to have relationship boundaries even when you’re technically not together. For instance, sex is off limits but a flirtationship isn’t considered cheating. These rules will keep you both in check and help you not do something that will upset your partner and jeopardize your break.
- Make it count. Once your break kicks in, don’t just go on living your life like you’ve never known this person. Spend some time reflecting on your relationship, past conflicts and happy moments, things you miss or don’t want to see again. Also, think of your partner from the future perspective – do you want them in your life in the upcoming years? Now that you don’t have them by your side at all times, it’s easy to imagine what your life would be without them. How does that make you feel?
How to reconnect after a relationship break
Reconnecting after a break is very emotional. You can either come back reassured that you’ve found a perfect match, or realize that they’re not the one.
If the final decision is to break up once and for all, don’t beat around the bush. Communicate your thoughts to your partner. Be gentle but firm, and then move on.
If you want to continue dating and your partner wants the same, here are a couple of tips to set you off to a good (re)start:
- Introduce each other back to your lives gradually to avoid being overwhelmed.
- Talk about your relationship break experiences and share important thoughts, ideas, or plans that you both came up with.
- Make a plan for the next few months. Do you go back to living together? Do you get married? Do you stay together but continue seeing other people?
Rekindling after a pause in dating makes us vulnerable and fragile. Be gentle with each other and avoid confrontations and reverting back to old toxic patterns.
If you feel that it could help, see a couples therapist to help you navigate this tricky part of your relationship.
