What Does Breadcrumbing Actually Mean? And How to Deal with It
What is breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing someone in dating means leading them on with a digital breadcrumbs path. This path consists of reactions to their content (such as likes, stories reactions, comments) and texts.
It’s a form of manipulation where a person wants to keep someone else interested in them, while they’re not sure about liking this person at all. Not to confuse it with slow dating, breadcrumbing is all about random communication patterns and not being interested in building a solid and loving partnership.
Breadcrumbing is a relatively new dating term, so its meaning fluctuates a bit, for example, it’s mostly used when talking about online dating, however, some say breadcrumbing can happen in real life too.
Signs and examples of breadcrumbing
There are several signs that can indicate you’re dealing with a breadcrumber. You might not experience them all at once, but each of these signs is very common.
You get literal breadcrumbs of attention
You get small and irregular tidbits of attention and affection from the other person. They might like your Instagram photo every once in a while and maybe send you a complimenting DM every other week or month (yes, some maniacs play the long breadcrumbing game).
They care, or do they?
Sometimes you think the person has a soft spot for you, but then at other times, you wonder if they care about you at all. It’s a vicious cycle that never ends. Just like Katy Perry sang in her old hit – they’re Hot and they’re Cold, they’re Yes, and they’re No.
One common tactic of a breadcrumber is to check in with you about this one specific issue you told them about, but not caring at all about anything else. They can show interest and worry, for example, about your car being stolen, but anything else that goes on in your life is pretty much non-existent to them.
Plans are beyond them
They seem completely unable to make plans with you and actually commit to them. This can even be the case if they’re the ones suggesting those plans to begin with! For example, they send you a message in the dating chat saying you two should go out for coffee sometime. Next thing you know, weeks have gone by, and they’re nowhere to be found, or they continue texting you, liking your posts, and talking about other potential date ideas, but never taking the next step. Then if you finally get tired of waiting and offer a time and a date, they either bail out at the last minute or come up with a half-decent excuse to say no.
Bare-minimum communication
They honestly don’t bother and resort to a bare minimum when it comes to talking to you. Think of emojis as replies or short sentences that don’t look welcoming and insinuate that the person is not willing to continue the conversation. Basically, they’re maintaining a facade of having a relationship with you of some sort while spending as little time and effort on you as possible.
There’s a pattern
If you notice that this person is always texting you at this specific time period, such as over the weekend or late at night in general, that’s a sign they’re potentially breadcrumbing. There is always room for exceptions, such as they work two jobs plus have hobbies, so they only have free time just one day a week. But come on, how often does this really turn out to be true?
They don’t seem to care what you think about them
The last sign is if you sense that they’re not bothered by your perception of them. Been absent for weeks? Sending you mixed messages? Hurting your feelings? Oh well, too bad, tough luck. A person who genuinely likes you and does mindful dating instead of playing games will go out of their way to explain themselves if they did or said something questionable. A breadcrumber doesn’t feel like it’s worth the effort. Moreover, it doesn’t even cross their mind.
Is breadcrumbing toxic?
Breadcrumbing is definitely not a healthy relationship model, and it’s safe to say it’s the definition of a toxic romantic dynamic. It is essentially a manipulation tactic that many narcissists (and simply bad people) use to keep you interested in them romantically when their motives are questionable at best.
If you’re exposed to breadcrumbing for too long, it can mess up your self-confidence and damage your overall mental health. The more time you spend in this ambiguous relationship, the more you fall for the person. It’s not universally true, of course. You can just get tired of their BS or meet someone cool and fall in love, but the chances of you developing stronger feelings are pretty high. So then you end up with emotional dependency on someone who doesn’t deserve you. This cannot be good, no matter how you spin it.
Why do people breadcrumb others?
Breadcrumbing occurs for a number of reasons:
- They want to boost their ego
- They’re using you to make someone jealous
- They’re just evil and have no issue with making others suffer
- They crave external validation
- They’re immature
- They’re bored
There’s no sure way to find out why this particular person is breadcrumbing you, but it’s most likely a combination of the reasons above.
Sadly, many people lack basic empathy and they will gladly use others to prove something to themselves. Some people will kind of feel bad for you, but they won’t change their ways because it works great for them. For example, a person who’s not ready for a committed relationship might want to keep their options open and stay in touch with multiple people for a while. Once they’re ready to settle down, they’ll choose from the pool of eligible bachelors(-lorettes) that they’ve collected over the months and years.
Gaslighting vs breadcrumbing
It’s tempting to use gaslighting and breadcrumbing interchangeably, but those are still two very different concepts. With gaslighting, the wrongdoer is messing with our brains and perceptions of reality. They’re trying to make us and others think we’re going crazy. The typical aftermath of gaslighting is for the victim to feel isolated from their friends and family, and for the gaslighter to assume full control over their mental state.
While breadcrumbing is a cruel concept, it’s nowhere near as bad as gaslighting. Yes, your feelings are definitely hurt if someone is misleading you and you think they might be your perfect match when in reality your future together looks bleak at best. However, there is just this one element of your reality being distorted – your perception of someone liking you. With gaslighting, things are much more intense and horrifying.
Paperclipping vs breadcrumbing
Both paperclipping and breadcrumbing refer to online dating tactics that are not the most sustainable. They both imply out-of-nowhere and random communication styles, and they both leave the other person confused and unsure about what’s going on. The key difference between the two is that paperclipping is usually a one-off event. For example, your ex got bored to death, so they texted you to pass the time. With breadcrumbing, we’re usually talking about an ongoing communication that is riddled with mixed signals.
Love bombing vs breadcrumbing
Love bombing is an emotional roller coaster. A love bomber switches between showering you with love, gifts, and attention 24/7, and going completely radio silent. It’s much more intense and (arguably) more hurtful than breadcrumbing. With the latter, you get occasional compliments here and there, dead-end insinuations of potential dates, and random chats. There’s no excess in attention from the other person, so you don’t get all euphoric only to be left broken when the love bomber switches to ignoring you.
Both behaviors are unfortunate, but love bombing is much more dangerous, as it often leads to the victim developing an unhealthy dependency and attachment to the manipulator.
What to do if someone is breadcrumbing you
First of all, you need to understand that the person who’s breadcrumbing you doesn’t like you. Even if they have minimal emotional intelligence, trust us, they know what they’re doing. Start to accept the idea of you having to give them up for your own happiness.
Once you understand and accept it, follow these actionable steps:
- Voice your concern. Even if you’re 95% sure they’re breadcrumbing, it makes sense to bring this up directly with them and clear the air. If this happens to be a major misunderstanding – awesome! If they’re indeed shady breadcrumbers – that’s good too! The sooner you find out the truth about them, the sooner you’ll get your romantic freedom back.
- Do the “what if” exercise to seek out alternative routes for you. For example, what if you stop responding to them today? How will your life change? What if you call them out for their behavior? What if you open a dating app and find someone new? This exercise reminds you that opportunities are endless, and you don’t have to stick to one scenario.
- Leave them on read. If someone treats you like their booty call or sends meaningless texts and emojis, you’re free to ignore them. You don’t have to respond and reinforce their behavior like that.
- Set boundaries. Relationship boundaries are not to be underestimated. Share yours and watch how they react. If they ignore or ridicule them – it’s a major red flag. Run in the opposite direction. If they, however, adapt to them, you can give them a chance. Still remember though how they treated you before. If they’ve been bad once, they can do something unethical again in the future.
- Don’t forget you’re the prize. Don’t let anybody treat you badly. You deserve to be respected, loved and cared for. Walk away from anything that doesn’t involve those three things.
Lastly, there are plenty of fish in the sea, especially now in the era of dating online. Trust the Once team – you literally never have to settle for someone who’s breadcrumbing you. Don’t try to change them or sit this one out. Ghost them and move on to someone truly awesome!
