Crafting the Perfect First Message for Online Dating

Sending the first message on a dating site is an emotional rollercoaster.

You’re worried, you’re excited, you’re scared. The anticipation is real. The age-old question remains: What should you say in the first message on a dating site to make you stand out?  

Let’s find out together!

Why the First Message Matters 

In the digital world, the first message you send to someone equals the first words you’d say to them in real life. 

We all know that books shouldn’t be judged by the covers, and the first impression is not always to be relied on, yet it’s human nature to do both those things.

The first impression that you create grabs the other person’s attention and sets the tone for the ongoing conversations you’re going to have. 

The way you approach someone, on the internet or offline, says a lot about your intentions and your personality. The choice of words, gestures, emojis, your tone of voice, everything is automatically scanned and processed by those you chat or talk with. 

Speaking of the initial message on a dating app, the way you craft and phrase it defines if the match on the other side will respond or not. Think about it, would you be enticed to respond to a message that screams generic and mass copy-pasted? Probably not. Similarly, you wouldn’t want to engage in a conversation with someone who’s being offensive from the start or weird you out. 

Regardless of your goals on the dating app, a good first message that is unique and thoughtful sets you apart from the rest of the crowd and helps you get the response you’re looking for. 

Key Elements of a Great First Message 

Here is everything that goes into the best initial message online dating.

1. Personalization. Share your hobbies, interests, values, or anything else that will give the other person a peek into your personality. You can also mention something that caught your eye in their profile that resonates with you.
2. Keep it positive. Being friendly and approachable is the best take on online dating openers. You’d be surprised how many people don’t think about it when crafting their first message on a dating app. Negativity will look odd as you’re here to look for love, not have a pity party for yourself, right?
3. Open-ended questions. The best first message is the one that sparks a conversation. Ask questions that require elaborate answers and watch out for how you respond as well. 
4. Authenticity. Cliches, overused lines, generic meaningless compliments, – all that needs to go. 
5. Simplicity and briefness. There’s no need to write lengthy paragraphs, it won’t work in your favor, but it will likely do the opposite. 

Strategies for Crafting Effective Messages 

Let's talk about strategies and tips for the first message on a dating app. 

1. Be clear and get to the point sooner rather than later. Your message needs to be easy to understand. Your matches will be reading it without necessarily too much focus on what you’re saying, for example, in between work meetings. 
2. Reference something about the user when you text them for the first time. It will make them see that you’re not mass-liking and mass-texting everyone the same message. 
3. Show genuine interest. Ask open-ended questions about the person’s interests, feelings, hobbies. Avoid the interrogation-style yes-or-no conversations.
4. Keep the chat balanced. Try to have a balanced conversation where you both share more or less similar amounts of information about each other. Don’t trauma dump or simply share too much information right away as it sends the wrong message. 
5. Joke but carefully. Humor is a wonderful bonding instrument. Make someone laugh, and you’ll leave a mark on their heart. Try to be a bit more careful with joking as you send first messages though, as texts are easy to misinterpret. 
6. Give cool compliments. Say something nice about the person, but only if you really mean it. Basic, cliche compliments are worse than no compliments. 

Examples of Good First Messages 

Let’s look at some real-life examples of the first messages that people send to each other. 

• Personalized: Your photo with the kangaroo looks dope! It is taken in Australia, right? It’s been my lifelong dream to go there!
• Creative: don’t think I’m weird, but I saw your beautiful photos and they’ve inspired me to write a little song. Is that okay if I send it to you? 
• Thought-provoking: What do you think about e-cars? I feel like we’re slowly becoming disillusioned with them as a society, but I also don’t know what the alternative should be. 

Adapting Your Approach 

When you’re sending first messages on a dating app or dating website, it’s important to adapt and customize your approach not only for every individual person but also for every platform that you are using. 

Not all dating portals are the same. 

Once, for example, is a dating website that is primarily focused on mindful dating. Surely, there are users here who are looking to have a good time and wouldn’t mind a casual get-together for a hookup. Still, the core audience is different. Similarly, there are dating apps that are sex-forward and prioritize positive sex experiences for people who don’t need a relationship right this second but want to have their sexual needs met. 

Now, depending on your dating goals, and the app or website you’re dealing with, and the way you approach users, your dating app introduction messages should vary. 

You can, for sure, fall in love and get married to someone who you’ve initially texted something like “WYD, wanna hook up tonight?”. It’s not impossible, but the chances are rather slim, we’re sure you’d agree. 

And if you want a casual relationship to get you through the summer in the new city, you can lead with that in your intro messages to let the other person know upfront. 

In terms of timing, it’s better to send those first messages during business hours, i.e., not too early and definitely not too late. People will be either sleeping and not seeing your texts, or they’ll be busy preparing for school and work. And then if they get more texts from other users during the day, yours can fall to the bottom of their inbox and be buried there forever. 

Also, don’t forget that if you’re texting someone at an inappropriate time, it can signal that you’re either disrespectful or only interested in casual sex.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid for Online Dating Openers

Wondering what to say in a first message online dating and not make a mess? We got you covered! Here are the most common pitfalls you need to stay clear of when starting a chat on a dating app. 

1. Sending generic messages. At this point, why bother at all and send generic messages? If you’re looking for a genuine romance, then you should naturally strive to make a good impression. If you’re not interested in attracting someone special though, a completely bland message may work. 
2. Spelling and grammatical mistakes. Typos and mistakes are not the end of the world, but they show that you didn’t bother reading the message through before clicking ‘send’, and it’s not a good look. Of course, many people these days know that dyslexia exists, so if that’s your case then you shouldn’t worry too much. Everyone else needs to check their spelling if they don't want to appear sloppy. 
3. Being overly forward or aggressive. Some people think it’s hot and attractive to dominate and be rough with communication. In reality, it shows that you lack soft skills, empathy, and can’t communicate very well. Also, the majority of dating site users will see it as a major red flag. 
4. Making assumptions about the person and voicing them. Think “Oh you’re so pretty you must have thousands of matches on this dating app” or “You wouldn’t understand the XYZ situation because you’re not this or that”.

Overthinking your first dating app messages

One of the biggest pitfalls that not many talk about is actually overthinking what you’re going to say. Yes, you should put some thought into your texts, but to a certain point. Try too hard, and the words you send will seem artificial. It’s your call when to stop, but aim not to do more than two alterations.

Enhancing Your Profile to Support Your Messages 

So you think that you’ve written a perfect first message online dating and your work here is done? Boy, do we have bad news for you! 

In order to get to the stage of exchanging messages, you need to have a nice-looking cute profile that will convince people to give you a chance. And then once the opening message is sent, the recipient will go back to your profile to check what’s going on there.

Don’t let your best opening messages go to waste with an underworked profile. Here are the tips you can use today to elevate your dating game.

• Upload multiple photos where people can see your face. Nobody is impressed by your mystique shots where you’re barely visible. 
• Don’t upload group photos, or at least don’t allow more than one. You know what they say – if you only have group photos, you are the least attractive one there. 
• Make sure the photos are high-quality and well-lit. 
• Add a few sentences to the bio. Tell the world what you’re like and what you are passionate about. Keep it brief, positive, and neutral in terms of humor. It’s best to avoid radical jokes just yet.
• Skip the requirement lists to the future partner. The bio is about you and why you are a great candidate for a romance, not the brief for your future partner. Drop anything that starts with “my partner needs to be/must be”. It’s weird.

As you browse through other people’s profiles, draw inspiration from what they have written in their bios and the type of images they’ve added. Re-work their ideas into something unique for your profile, but don’t try to resemble someone else too hard. It’s important that your profile reflects who you are. 

Crafting the Perfect First Message for Online Dating FAQ

How to start a conversation on a dating app?

The best thing you can do to start a conversation with someone online is simply to reach out. A simple Hello plus a question or a compliment is everything you need. 

Sure, you can plan a perfect message and overthink it for hours, but what if somebody else snatches your crush right under your nose? Somebody who doesn’t need so much time to think through what they’re going to say. That would be the most unfortunate outcome of you taking time and not letting yourself engage in a conversation. 

What is a good first message on a dating app?

In terms of good opening messages on dating sites, make them your own but follow the key principles: personalization, engaging questions, and lighthearted mood. You can also add something about yourself and/or give a compliment to the person. Keep everything brief though, a long read as the first message in online dating will look a bit odd.