Avoidant Attachment in Relationships: Can It Work?

Every person you meet on this planet has some kind of attachment style when it comes to a relationship. The four core attachment types are:

1. Secure attachment
2. Anxious attachment 
3. Avoidant attachment 
4. Fearful-avoidant attachment 

So the avoidant attachment style is one of the four that exist out there. If you’re dating online actively, you’ve probably come across all of them throughout the years. We know the Once team definitely did!

So what is an avoidant attachment style?

What does the avoidant attachment really mean though? It is one of the core attachment types that is largely characterized by the lack of emotional intimacy, focus on independence from the partner and suppression of one's emotions. 

Tip: Although these are the basic traits of someone who has an avoidant attachment style in relationships, it’s important to note that there is variation in avoidant attachment. The person’s previous romances, relationships with friends and family, and other experiences can all influence how they demonstrate their attachment type, so it can look a bit different than you would expect.  

Symptoms of avoidant attachment 

If you’re not sure whether you have the avoidant attachment style, there are signs to tell. 

• Emotional intimacy makes you uncomfortable. 
• You experience difficulties with trusting others. 
• People repeatedly tell you you’re emotionally unavailable. 
• It’s difficult for you to be emotionally invested in your romance even if you try. 
• You’ve learned to be dependent on yourself and yourself only. 
• Expressing your needs and emotions is not easy for you. 
• You tend to downplay or be dismissive about the importance of emotional support and closeness.
• You’re inconsistent and can ghost someone or bail at the last minute.
• Conflicts are usually avoided in your case, and not addressed and resolved directly.
• It can be hard for you to empathize with your lover.
• When talking, you prefer to keep things light and avoid serious topics. 
• You’re using slow dating preference as an excuse to keep your distance.

If you look at all the symptoms above, you’ll be able to spot a pattern. All these points have one thing in common – they highlight that someone avoids getting close to their partner. 

Avoidant vs anxious attachment 

Avoidant and anxious sound kind of similar, but they describe two opposite attachment styles. 

Someone who’s avoidant is keeping their emotional distance and is not trying to foster intimacy with their partner. For an anxious-avoidant lover, the situation is quite the opposite. They’re so afraid of rejection and abandonment, that they require constant closeness and reassurance from their partner that they’re good enough. They’re the ones sending you messages in the dating chat non-stop, freaking out when you don’t reply quickly enough, and fishing for compliments and words of affirmation. 

While anxious avoidant style partners are perfectly capable of getting closer and opening up about their emotions, fears, etc, they’re almost overdoing it, leading their partner to suffocate from their clinginess and demands. They’re not doing it on purpose, it’s just hard for them to regulate their emotions because of deep-seated insecurities. 

Avoidant vs fearful-avoidant attachment 

Avoidant and fear-avoidant both relate to insecure attachment styles, but there’s a key difference between the two of them. Someone who’s avoidant will be hyper-focused on their independence from their partner. The fearful avoidant lovers are stuck between wanting to be independent on one side and also seeking closeness from the other side. This is very confusing to them and to their partner.  If you start analyzing situationships around you, you’ll probably find that many of them are created by the person with a fearful-avoidant attachment type. 

What triggers avoidant attachment?

There are several reasons why someone develops the avoidant attachment type in their romantic relationships. A lot of it boils down to our childhood and adolescence. The type of care we receive from our primary caregivers, or lack thereof, determines our behavior in relationships for decades to come. 

The impact of avoidant attachment on your relationship

If one or both of the partners have an avoidant attachment style, this can make things difficult for their romance. First of all, it will be that much harder to move across the normal stages of a relationship because of emotional unavailability, intentional distancing, and the lack of motivation to get closer. 

Unless those with avoidant attachment acknowledge this pattern and are willing to work things out, they will eventually sabotage the relationship, sometimes without even realizing what they’re doing. Unfortunately, it’s rather normal for someone to start a fight just to distance themselves and avoid having to do anything about the relationship. 

You can imagine what kind of an emotional, and sometimes physical toll it has on the other person. Staying with someone who exhibits an avoidant attachment style can be a real challenge, even if you love them to death. 

Can avoidant attachment work in relationships?

Having an avoidant attachment style doesn’t automatically disqualify one from a chance to build a happy and healthy relationship. It only means that achieving it can take more time and require more energy. 

First of all, if one of you struggles with avoidant attachment, it’s important to identify whether you are willing to heal from it. The idea of working on your issues can make you anxious, but you need to have this intrinsic desire to fix things. Otherwise, it will be pretty much impossible to do anything. 

Once we have the confirmation that the person is up for a challenge, the next step is to start unlearning toxic behavior patterns. At this point, honest conversations with a partner might not be enough, and it’s best to read more about the issue, or better yet talk to a licensed therapist. Many of our insecurities in life come from past experiences and the way we were brought up. It’s best to have professional help when untangling all of that. 

Here is how you and your partner can unlearn the avoidant attachment at home in the meantime:

• Help the person feel safe. Many are fearful of getting closer emotionally because deep down they lack a sense of security in their relationship. It’s not necessarily the fault of the other partner and can be objectively unfair. We are dealing with deep-seated feelings here though, so lead with empathy and compassion.  
• Learn about yourself and your partner. The more you know about each other, the easier it will be to understand the motivation behind certain actions.
• Practice sharing intimate thoughts, beliefs, and fears with one another. You probably won’t wake up on a random Wednesday and suddenly feel comfortable with sharing anything and everything with your lover. It’s a gradual process, especially when the avoidant attachment is involved. What you can do to change the situation, is to slowly but surely open up to each other. It works just like stretching your muscles – you won’t be able to do the splits on day one, but you’ll have significant progress by day 40. 
• Practice sharing emotions. Similarly to the step above, talk about your feelings and do it regularly. 

Dealing with avoidant attachment style is a process, and it will require more than your typical mindful dating baseline. If the person is your perfect match, and you believe they’re the one, then all this work will definitely be worth it.