Age Gap in a Relationship: a Genius Move or a Huge Mistake?

Age Gap in a Relationship: a Genius Move or a Huge Mistake?

What is an age gap in a relationship?

The age gap is literally the difference in age between partners. When we say “age gap” we usually mean the number of years, and not months or weeks. What is considered acceptable and appropriate for an age gap between the partners will differ depending on society and culture. 

The benefits of an age gap in a relationship

You might be surprised, but having an age gap with your partner has real-life benefits. 

1. Shared growth and diversity. You can come from similar socio-economic backgrounds, but if your age groups are different, you’ll probably open a whole different world to one another. The culture, the values, the lifestyle – there’s so much we can learn from both younger and older people. 
2. Longer life expectancy. Don’t quote us on it. However, there is research that shows that partners with an age gap can live longer and happier. It has to do with the economic security that comes with age, but also the ability of the younger partner to care for their older spouse. 
3. For women specifically, there’s been research that they are happier when a partner is older. Also, perhaps, due to the stability that they get, but also maturity and readiness to start a family that younger men might be reluctant to do. 
4. Expanded social networks. When there’s an age gap involved, the two people often have very different social circles. Mixing and matching them is not only great for becoming more open-minded, but can also enrich their lives, help with their career, and result in new surprising friendships.

The challenges of an age gap in a relationship

Everything has a price, and finding a partner of a different age than yours has its challenges too. Here are the main pain points that you might consider when thinking about dating someone older or younger:

1. An older partner might get sick and leave you. To be fair, sickness and death can happen to anyone, and nobody is guaranteed time on Earth. Still, if your perfect match is 20 years older than you, there’s a fair chance that you’ll have to go through a substantial chunk of your life without them. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date them or limit your age parameters on dating websites, but it’s definitely worth thinking through. 
2. The power dynamic. Age can be a source of power in the relationship. The partner who is older can take on the role of the mature provider and push the younger person to be more submissive and dependent. 
3. Differences in life stages can cause issues. If one of the partners is just finishing university but the older partner is pushing forties and wants to start having kids, this can create tension. 

Besides the first challenge of dealing with sickness and death, the rest is more applicable to the pre-retirement age. Once both lovers are in their 60s, the power dynamics and different life stages become less relevant. So hey, maybe the key to successful dating with an age gap is to wait until you’re 70? 

Does the perfect age gap in a relationship exist?

What is the best age gap in a relationship? Is it a big age gap, like 10-20 years? Or something like 3-4 years? 

The truth is, there is no perfect answer that fits everyone. Some questionnaires and researchers have found that a smaller age gap of a few years would be ideal. Other findings suggest different results. 

The thing about age gaps is that they’re only one factor in a relationship. To have a long-term successful union, the couple needs to be on the same page with values, life plans, and have strong emotional intimacy. Without it, it won’t matter if your age is the same or 50 years apart. 

Some experts have found that the larger the age gap, the less satisfied people are together. The problem here, again, can lie in the age gap if two partners are at very different stages of their lives. However, this can also be attributed to something else. 

At the Once office, we’ve found that many of our colleagues have/had age gaps in their relationships, but we couldn’t spot the correlation between how many years apart they were and satisfaction with their romance. Also, one of our team’s favorite famous couples, Gary and Valeria Lipovetsky are 18 years apart, which is way out of the average age gap, yet they’re doing great as husband and wife. 

So, to conclude, does the age gap matter? Most certainly, like anything else in the relationship. Is there a certified best age gap or the maximum number of years you should target for marital success? Nope. You’ll need to test and see if it works for you. 

How to bridge the age gap in your relationship

If you’re in a relationship with someone younger or older than you, and you’re wondering how to deal with the age gap to have a healthy relationship, then our tips are for you: 

1. Talk about the age gap openly. What it means for both of you and how it affects your life goals and plans for your family.  
2. Stay respectful of each other’s differences. You both have something going on in your lives, and your values and beliefs are valid. Don’t try to change your partner too much to fit your “age group” better, or you’ll probably lose them. 
3. Watch out for power dynamics and don’t be shy to voice your concerns over how decisions are being made, how finances are managed, etc. Partner equality is paramount to mindful dating and relationships.
4. Set boundaries. If you’re dating online and come across someone older/younger than you fancy, ask them about their boundaries and communicate yours straight in the dating chat. If you’ve been with this person for a while already, sit down with them and have an honest conversation about what’s comfortable for you and what’s not. 
5. Be open-minded. Dating someone who’s close to your parents’ age or is way younger can be tricky. It’s normal to feel frustrated sometimes and fail to understand their lifestyle and views. What’s important is the effort that you should be willing to demonstrate and exercise in learning about their world.

Finally, adapt the slow dating approach. Don’t rush until you’re sure the person is the one. If you jump right into the relationship without getting to know them better, and understanding what they want from life, you’ll have a lot more heartache to process if the relationship goes south. And if it turns out that you found the love of your life, there’ll be plenty of time to do things together, even if one of you is older. 

Photo by Maia Habegger on Unsplash

People are different and it may be unclear (or very obvious) if someone is flirting with you. Some people are just “a flirt” with expressive personalities, so it can be difficult to tell.